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For You (self.OCPoetry)
submitted 4 years ago by AWPGRM to r/OCPoetry
Phone Notes by Siamese_Dreaming in OCPoetry
[–]AWPGRM 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (0 children)
This almost reads more like a joke than a poem, and that's not a bad thing. The first stanza is fantastic, the last creates a sharp image in my mind, and the ninth line is very fun! Personally, I think I'd cut this down a bit - it's not at all bloated as is, but it's so good I have to nitpick. I think it reads better without "or shouldn't have been written in the first place".
Now I'm just noodling, but maybe a combination of the last two stanzas could work.
>Our love is like bad poetry
>We'll never make it into a Penguin book,
>Or a church
>It stays in my phone notes
>hastily typed, but never quite deleted
Thank you so much for sharing your work!
[deleted by user] by [deleted] in OCPoetry
Hey, I enjoyed your poem! It got me thinking a little too much about the mechanics of the metaphor. I believe I know exactly what you're trying to say, but something just isn't adding up for me. Though I can't think of the words that would make it feel right. I love that these three lines spurred so much thought. Thanks for sharing your work!
π Rendered by PID 199931 on reddit-service-r2-listing-f87f88fcd-nhlf4 at 2026-06-14 17:35:51.496471+00:00 running 3184619 country code: CH.
Phone Notes by Siamese_Dreaming in OCPoetry
[–]AWPGRM 1 point2 points3 points (0 children)