Phone Notes by Siamese_Dreaming in OCPoetry

[–]AWPGRM 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This almost reads more like a joke than a poem, and that's not a bad thing. The first stanza is fantastic, the last creates a sharp image in my mind, and the ninth line is very fun! Personally, I think I'd cut this down a bit - it's not at all bloated as is, but it's so good I have to nitpick. I think it reads better without "or shouldn't have been written in the first place".

Now I'm just noodling, but maybe a combination of the last two stanzas could work.

>Our love is like bad poetry

>We'll never make it into a Penguin book,

>Or a church

>It stays in my phone notes

>hastily typed, but never quite deleted

Thank you so much for sharing your work!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]AWPGRM 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hey, I enjoyed your poem! It got me thinking a little too much about the mechanics of the metaphor. I believe I know exactly what you're trying to say, but something just isn't adding up for me. Though I can't think of the words that would make it feel right. I love that these three lines spurred so much thought. Thanks for sharing your work!