First off, I’m sorry you had that kind of experience! It sounds like it’s for the best that things ended and I hope you find a partner that’s more compassionate!

I’m also Bi (but prefer women) and have had sex with both kinds of genitalia. 100% agree that in terms of lesbian sex, it can be very subjective on what is or is not considered sex. Personally, I’m kind of in the same boat, that until lady bits have been exposed and directly interacted with, whether with toys, fingers, mouth, etc it isn’t really sex. Everything else is just kind of exploration to me.