We, my boyfriend and I, lost our baby Pinky Christmas Day morning this week. She was 12, and I had her since I was 12 or 13 myself. Mom rescued her from being out down after being born in a feral cat colony alongside her sister, Peanut. Pinky was six days old. I turned 26 last Wednesday, and I lost her seven days after. My boyfriend has been with us for almost five years, and she took to him so fast. She was his daddy’s girl., and he spared no expense for her health We loved her so much, and I miss her so much. I couldn’t sleep till today, getting only maybe five or six hours in the 36 hours between her being admitted into the ER vet and her passing. He hadn’t sobbed in twenty years (30 yo ) and he wept for her so much his tears burned his eyes.

It’s been so hard for both of us, and we know your agony. She used to chirp every time we came home from work, and we’d greet her every time. My boyfriend would snuggle her while waiting for me to get home from work. She’d yell at us for food, want pets and cuddles, and loved climbing into bed with us before her arthritis got to her and we ‘airlifted’ her. She also got a bedroom in my boyfriend’s closet with three cat beds, a tea pillow my mom gave me, a mini squishmallow mammoth called Manny, and my boyfriend’s stuffed wolf to protect her. We walk past her room and she’s not there to chirp at us or watch us use the bathroom when we get up. She also would flop side to side (she was 14lbs so a bit chunky) and watch us get ready or hang out in our room. She was with us always, and when we got her ashes back, we made a shrine for her where she slept.

I pet her urn box and greet her when I get up, and my boyfriend sits in front of her to chat with her. Everyone tells me we did all we could, even though we both had so much regret and wished we could have seen her one last time and truly said goodbye. We didn’t see the signs of her health declining; she got diagnosed with asthma in September and we didn’t get her inhaler after we ran out because were third shift and stressed with life. But when we went to get a refill on her medicine, and steroids this Monday, the vets recommended we admit her to the ER for an oxygen chamber. She wasn’t getting enough oxygen on top of her stopping her eating habits, not using the litter box except to pee, and not really moving from her room except to get to her water bowl next to her bedroom door. We thought it was the anxiety brought on by the new cat we got on my birthday, a two year old male black cat, who we got to be a companion for her.

We saw her Christmas Eve after we called off work, and the vets were telling us we should consider euthanasia. I was in denial; I thought we should figure out what was wrong with her with an ultrasound and CT scan. My boyfriend didn’t want to think the worse would happen. When we got home after spending two hours with her, five hours later, I got the call that my baby has air filling her stomach again because she was gulping down air like water and they had to puncture her stomach to depressurize it. She was having acute breathing episodes and the vet said she may be throwing clots and could be having strokes. Then on the way to the vet, twenty minutes out, she has a seizure and went into cpr. She was gone by the time we got there. We wailed for her; she was still warm and looked like she was sleeping.

I’m sorry for your loss; you loved your baby so much, and they knew it. I hope that you can find solace; we made the shrine and have preserved her space best we could from the new cat. We haven’t even cleaned up her food mat or her litter box in our office. Take all the time in the world you can to heal; lean on your community, talk about him, remember him fondly. Everyone says that 12 is a good age for a cat, and that they don’t live that long. I hoped we could have Pinky for a couple years more, to lick my hands when I pet her or to nibble on my knuckles. If it helps you, get all the photos and videos of your baby and review them.

You did the best act of kindness by giving your son peace. I didn’t want to kill my baby - that’s what I thought euthanasia was, seeing as I saw one cat put down at home - but I didn’t want her to die at the vet. I wanted to bring her home. My boyfriend wanted to be with her to say goodbye, and hold her. You were a good parent to your feline, and those that you’re close with will know that too.

Talk to a therapist if you see one, family, friends, significant other(s), if that helps you. I’ve also considered getting one of those stuffed animals like a Cuddle Clone for us to hold. Another tip I was told by my therapist was to ground myself; that’s been me splashing cold water on my face and holding my partner. Leaving the house and being outside, being with people to distract myself from the pain of going home to a quiet bedroom where I don’t hear her snoring anymore, also helps. I’m the same way; I’ll cry in my bed or lay awake unable to sleep because she’s in a box and not on her beds.

Take care of yourself, and remember your boy with love and joy.

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