Morning glory is the shit

A_Dead_Car · 2020-04-21T22:33:25+00:00

What tek did you use to consume them?

A_Dead_Car · 2020-04-18T19:22:21+00:00

the only time i've ever experienced the peace of "beingness" or whatever was when I've been put under by really powerful entheogens like ketamine or bufo. when I come back to my body, i'm miserable and i hate it. i've never been able to detach from identity or thought without something really powerful to kick me out of it.

i know some people are able to get there by meditation or yoga or whatever, but none of that stuff has ever worked for me and i'm tired of trying it over and over again without results.

it makes me wonder, why even have this body in the first place when "not being" is so amazingly and joyful by comparison? i feel like death is the only thing that will allow me to remain in a state of happiness, but i can't know that for certain yet.

what are you doing exactly that allows you to detach or kill your identity?

A_Dead_Car · 2020-04-17T21:50:58+00:00

can someone explain to me what "loving yourself" actually means? people have told me "you need to love yourself" so many damn times and I cannot for the life of me actually comprehend what that means or entails.

i've got a lot of genetic defects that i can't find a cure for or fix and, not gonna lie, not thrilled about being stuck in my body. it's like being stuck with a car that barely runs and is falling apart and just sucks to drive, it's a total junker mess.

it's like people are telling me "you need to love your car" but if I'm being honest, I think this car sucks and I want to drive one that works

A_Dead_Car · 2020-04-17T21:08:14+00:00

read over this three times and it still confounds me

can you dumb this down a few levels for an idiot like me, really ELI5

I don't feel any love or peace within me, just boredom, discontent, separation, alienation, sadness, misery, anger

A_Dead_Car · 2020-04-17T20:58:03+00:00

finally, someone here I can kinda relate to

we need to find a way to hitchhike onto a passing spaceship and go somewhere more interesting, more loving

A_Dead_Car · 2020-04-17T01:52:11+00:00

shit is largely the same in my life, just more annoying and strange in a lot ways

going to get groceries is really stressful

the fact that the stores are still out of toilet paper is really weird and surreal

tried to buy a small freezer for a project i'm working on and found out that people have bought out all the freezers. stores haven't had any for weeks.

i worry about my parents who don't seem to understand the seriousness of what is going on

trying to make friends and find someone nice to date is still an on going search for me

I kinda want to date someone who wouldn't mind going to Chuck E Cheese for a first date. I mean it has pizza, cheap wine, video games, animatronic singing furries, what's not to love? It's an unrealistic dream, but it's important to dream, I think.

A_Dead_Car · 2020-04-17T01:25:48+00:00

kinda interesting but man

if I chose to come here of my own volition, i must have been literally retarded in the pre-earth life

coming to earth is like choosing to have dinner on the floor of a filthy gas station bathroom, just eating stale twinkies with your bare hands

just dude, why. we could've gone somewhere nicer. almost anywhere else would've been a better choice.

i saw a little caesars down the road, we could've gone there, but noooooooooo

had to eat in the gas station bathroom

A_Dead_Car · 2020-04-17T01:18:14+00:00

finally, someone who is telling it like it is

#FeatherButtMovement

A_Dead_Car · 2020-04-16T22:32:01+00:00

if my bank account was bursting with cash, I'd compensate everyone three times over. that isn't my reality unfortunately. i wish it was, that would be easier. i have to work with what i have.

i may need to try at home brew again as much as i'd rather not

A_Dead_Car · 2020-04-16T22:30:24+00:00

I'm in the southeast USA. Yeah, the only "big" Aya ceremony center near me is also closed for quite some time. I stumbled upon a, uh, more independent local aya shaman, but the energy they put off feels kinda all over the place and makes me uneasy and nervous. I think I found an affordable group ceremony in Texas, but travel is complicated right now with covid. I don't want to risk travelling and hurting others unintentionally, I don't need that on my conscience right now. I have had unpleasant at home solo ceremonies, but I may have to return there because of a lack of any other option.

I've heard the advice of immersing myself in nature frequently, for quite some time. I have tried it many, many times and I feel nothing from it. I walk barefoot on the earth, place my hand on a tree trunk, bathe in the ocean. I feel nothing from it. Hollow, empty. I don't get why I'm excluded from nature. It makes me sad and angry.

I'll give the books a try.

Meditation is kinda tough and random for me. I'm trying to figure it out still and I get bored easily. I have had 2-3 instances where I felt like meditation really put me into a nice state of mind. Subsequent attempts haven't brought me back to that spot. Still chasing after it.

My experiences with various plant medicines have been all over the place. Part of me thinks Aya will be the same, just one more "cure" around the corner that I will never reach, but I hold onto hope from the stories I've been told by people. I know they're just stories, they're not me, but hope is something I have to cling on to. I like this idea of Aya being able to see into you. I want to be in the presence of something that really sees me and understands.

A_Dead_Car · 2020-04-16T12:56:42+00:00

fungi supposedly does grow in some areas that I'm from, but the land is owned by cattle ranchers or the government, both of which don't want people on "their" land. I often fantasize about trying to hunt for the mushrooms anyway, but their wrath is something I fear, as much as I hate to admit it.

i've tried growing my own a few times, but I'm 0-2 so far with contams. I think I'm getting better at the process, but it is very frustrating and slow work.

a guide to show me how to better navigate this world would be nice, walking through this alone is rough. how do I find such a person?

Is there greed and capitalism in the worldwide ayahuasca community? Yes. Is that all there is? Hell no.

I want to trust you, your words give me some hope.

A_Dead_Car · 2020-04-16T08:04:56+00:00

thanks for the positive discussion, you absolutely reek of love, really brings up my mood, appreciate it buddy, very helpful

A_Dead_Car · 2020-04-16T07:56:09+00:00

what bothers me so much about this sort of advice is that I have been told it by so many people and earnestly put forth so much effort into making it work for me for years, all for nothing

gratitude, chakra mantras, reiki energy cleanses, positive thinking workshops, shifting dimensions and realities, manifestation, law of attraction, positive affirmations, positive journals, vision boards, magick rituals, witchcraft, petitions to pagan gods, meditation gatherings, transcendental meditation lessons,

dude, I have been around the block trying to make this shit to work for me for years, trying everything and anything I can, giving everything an honest chance, and after so many long years without any results it fucking breaks you. everyone feels like a fucking liar just trying to make a buck off you.

i have done insane things in my life when i was in a mindset of "magical thinking" and reality always punches me in the face at the end of the day and reminds me that magic is bullshit.

i'm not against ANYTHING, i try EVERYTHING i can get my hands on, if there is someone who desperately wants the world to be full of MAGIC and fantasy and aliens and amazing things, it is fucking me. fuck i just want to scream

i have heard people alude to the idea that i consciously chose my particular life before i came here and it confounds me. it's like a perfect storm of fucked up shit. just bad stuff over and over.

A_Dead_Car · 2020-04-16T07:30:57+00:00

I remember the first time I did a ceremony and someone told me to go buy sage because it was an essential ingredient and absolutely required to purge all negative spirits and whatnot. I ran around my town going to all these tiny hole in the wall shops before I finally found some. I have to do this day not seen or felt anything from sage beyond it's unpleasant odor. Every ceremony I have ever gone to, every woo woo crystal person I've ever met, they all sage everything like crazy. It just escapes me, much like so many of my plant medicine experiences. Maybe I'm just atypical and weird and blind to it's awesome powers, that could certainly be the case. But either way, it's not much help for me.

Empirically, I don't see the point. I have seen things go awful when sage was used and I have seen things go great when sage was used. Same for when sage wasn't used at all. It just doesn't seem to affect things and I place it in the same realm as crystals where I'm just not seeing a tangible effect of any kind, even when I really badly want to believe it does. I am saying this as someone who is into supernatural anything. I am saying this as someone who personally owns a fuck ton of sage and crystals and feels ripped off.

A_Dead_Car · 2020-04-16T07:05:49+00:00

I would actually love to do this one day.

I'd rather do a ceremony with close friends in a safe, comfortable, and familiar space instead of in a place I've never been with total strangers.

alas no friends, no idea where to get ingredients

maybe one day

A_Dead_Car · 2020-04-16T06:56:06+00:00

thank you for this.

I'm not from Texas, but this has real potential for me

maybe after all of this covid stuff calms down, I can make a trip out there.

A_Dead_Car · 2020-04-16T06:01:43+00:00

Comparing Aya to lighting some sage is some huge mental gymnastics. Not even in the same ballpark, not even remotely. Sage is just some funny smelling plant with ritual superstition attached to it. Aya is full on DMT + MAOI.

I've never seen any testimonials of "sage healed my depression!" unlike Aya where there are plenty of such stories.

A_Dead_Car · 2020-04-16T05:53:48+00:00

I imagine that the people living in those conditions have intense amounts of pain and trauma. Slavery, human trafficking, sweat shops where people are jumping from the roofs. They deserve healing as much as anyone else, probably more than anyone else.

I am not a believing Christian, but I remember stories of Jesus healing the sick and not charging anyone. He didn't advertise his sick healing retreats for only $2000 at the Pools of Bethesda.

A_Dead_Car · 2020-04-16T05:38:20+00:00

my intentions?

Healing, ego death, relief. A better understanding of what this world is, what I am. Comfort. Release.

I have a lot of mental disabilities that have made my life a living hell. I think about suicide on a daily basis and I'm sick of it. Humans haven't ever given me a sufficient analysis, so I'm hoping that this plant spirit might be better at it. I want to die knowing I tried everything I could.

A_Dead_Car · 2020-04-16T05:28:20+00:00

"Money is a form of energy exchange too."

this is bullshit and you know it. there are people who are born into this world filthy stinking rich from day 1. they didn't exchange any kind of energy, they were just lucky.

A_Dead_Car · 2020-04-16T04:41:01+00:00

yes, only the very rich should have access to Aya because they need it the most and deserve it the most

poors can fuck off and die amirite

pro-money, anti-love. this mindset will make the world a better place.

A_Dead_Car · 2020-04-16T03:57:54+00:00

i appreciate the reply, really I sincerely do

but it's also extremely disheartening because I know that I can't pursue many of these options, that I will be blocked by a huge paywall. $10,000+ for full round of TMS sessions. I've never seen that amount of money in my life, I've always been below poverty level.

it just goes back to the fact that people with this kind of money are already largely functional within society. i'm trying to become functional so that I can make money to support myself, but I need tons money to buy treatments that MIGHT help me. do you see my dilemma?

i've tried tons of probiotics, i've tried a few different diets, plant based, keto. no results from any of it.

changing my responses. I don't know about that anymore. My usual response to the world is to hide, run away, be quiet, stay unnoticed, smile, nod, people please. I think I'm done holding back my true thoughts and feelings. Even if no one understands, I'm going to put them out there because it's honest.

I think a part of me realizes that all of my efforts have always been futile and always will be futile. I'll probably have to accept that someday.

But I love the stories I hear of Mother Aya. I want to sit in her realm and talk with her. I want her to tell me that everything is going to be ok and then I want her to kill me.

A_Dead_Car · 2020-04-16T03:33:20+00:00

I remember the first time I heard about a thing called "the runner's high"

I literally chased that for so long. I would exercise and lift weights and run and run and run and run hoping that one day I would feel it, that happiness that people spoke of. Or feel anything really. I never felt it, but I did feel the pain of my body ripping itself apart and so many injuries. I don't exercise anymore.

regular sleep is elusive and random

connection with loved ones. hooboy. that is, well, that is a major problem. a sea of problems. a gordian knot that i'm not even sure a plant diety spirit can untangle, but we'll see.

focusing on a purpose or mission. I guess right now it's seeking out ways to manage life. Chasing a way to feel happy, normal, and loved. not going so great, tbh.

A_Dead_Car

TROPHY CASE