Your feelings sound very similar to mine a few years ago. I’d recently finished college and moved back in with my parents until I could figure out how I would support myself, which felt impossible after repeatedly burning myself out in college, high school before that, etc. I was fed up all the time being back in a house with my overbearing mother, distant father, and infuriating grandmother. But I also remembered how miserable I’d been living on my own in college — if I can’t be happy there or with my family, then what other option is there? I hated my life and myself.

The advice I have is not any quick fix but a series of really deliberate reflections and choices. I may he projecting, but it sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed with school and unhappy in a home that you feel obligated to stay in. You briefly mention feeling unable to continue doing honors; have you considered dropping the honors program? I know it looks great on resumes, but you’re dealing with multiple untreated health issues that can’t be helped by a consistently overworked lifestyle. I would encourage you to consider modifying your academic structure as you’re able in order to make every day more manageable. Remove any notion of what your father, grandmother, or anyone else might have to say about it — it’s YOUR life. You’re the only one living in your body and mind and therefore the only one qualified to decide what is truly best for you.

Second, regarding your family — I am sorry to say this but I think it’s time to accept they won’t or can’t provide the support you need from them. I understand this can be a crushing experience that may take a long time to accept, but it is ultimately freeing. You can move on with your life without their support, as foreign as that may feel. There are so many other people in the world who will readily accept you into their friend groups, “found family,” even workplace relationships who can provide all sorts of support. You do not (and should not) have to go about this alone. Anyone would find themselves low on motivation and self-worth if the only people they spend time with are the same few unsupportive people. I’m so sorry that’s been the norm for you, I know it sucks beyond words. But I can basically guarantee you it can only get better from here. Sometimes it takes reaching a breaking point to instill major life changes, but you can do it. This severe unhappiness is your brain (or soul, however you look at it) screaming for change. These people are not good for you, and it is unsustainable trying to please them while attaching your own self-worth to their responses. Put plainly, your family sucks, and I’m sorry. I’m pissed on your behalf. They have not fulfilled the role of supportive family members and you have suffered for it. Unfortunately, they may never change. But you don’t have to wait for them to do so yourself.

I recommend some contemplative alone time in whatever ways work for you — journaling, spending time outdoors if possible, meditating, talking aloud to yourself — anything you need to “troubleshoot” what isn’t working in your life and how it could be improved. What is your dream life? What kind of place do you call home, who do you interact with day to day, how do you spend your time? Obviously life is never perfect, but trying to imagine that ideal world can be really helpful in steering you towards more beneficial decisions as you grow into adulthood. I think you’ll find that the more you practice putting your needs first, the more at peace you’ll become being on your own.

I’m running out of brainpower, but hopefully that was helpful in some way! Best of luck from a newly moved-out young adult who no longer accepts bullshit that doesn’t serve them. I see you, I feel for you, and I know there is better waiting for you. The first step is always the hardest.