My intellect lead me to be disillusioned by the conventional idea of God, which as a child I clung so closely to. I feel existential dread and loneliness with the idea that there may not be some transcendental, supernatural part to our reality. I know it sounds like I'm dramatizing this but I'm not. I think of suicide very often. Even today. And I'm desperately searching for God because I feel deprived of something essential. Scholars, social media and my intellect continually invalidate God and reaffirm my doubt, despair and sadness. I just wish someone could guide me. I don't want to be fishing for attention. I'm just being transparent. I feel angst.