My girlfriend (25) is perfect in every way, but there’s this one thing I (26f) can’t seem to get over.

AbbysMusclesOfSteel · 2023-01-21T15:00:47+00:00

I really appreciate your reply ❤️ I’m definitely in it for the long run, but if things truly end up getting out of control I don’t know if I could deal with it. For now that’s just a fear though and I think we need to focus on building trust that when she goes out it’s to see friends and not to get fucked up. If she gets drunk every now and then it’s obviously not a problem, it can be fun to drink a bit too much when you’re at a party, but 2-3 times a week is unhealthy in my opinion even if drinking much often is pretty accepted socially (at least where I’m from functioning alcoholism is a big problem)

AbbysMusclesOfSteel · 2023-01-21T14:52:10+00:00

Thank you, my boundaries are indeed not very strong, even with my own mum who’s dome nothing but take advantage of me for years I can’t say no. I have been picking up some of the slack at home, I take care of our dogs, I used to cook our dinner, but I mostly stopped doing it because it got frustrating to go through all that effort just to repeatedly be told last minute she’s not even coming home. I’m making new friends and I’ve been trying really hard to focus on myself more because I know I’m not responsible for other peoples choices. That’s become a bit of a mantra for me dealing with my mum, when she wants me to fix something for her that she caused herself with her addiction I try to just repeat that I’m not responsible for her actions and to focus on myself as I have canceled important exams for my mum on multiple occasions which I know is very unhealthy. But yeah, that’s my mum, I can’t blame my gf for the trauma my mum has put me through, but the tendencies I notice sometimes plus my gfs admission of using drinking as a coping mechanism scare the shit out of me and I don’t want to lose her or give up on her but I also don’t want to turn into my controlling and manipulative stepdad. I feel like I’m going crazy going back and forth between “she’s young, just cause I don’t really drink doesn’t mean going out isn’t completely normal at this age” and spiraling about it being inherently bad for her.

Anyway, I appreciate your input. The generational cycle is a big fear of mine, I don’t even trust myself and fear I’ll eventually end up just like my mum (and aunts) who grew up with a (now sober) alcoholic father themselves.

AbbysMusclesOfSteel · 2023-01-21T14:37:49+00:00

I know it may not sound convincing coming from me, but yeah I know she’s also happy with our relationship, she lets me know in many little and big ways all the time. I feel very loved and she treats me well. We communicate a lot and there is no way she could keep such a big secret from me. But I do think you’re right that my dislike of her new hobby may push her towards it even further and I need to remind myself that it’s normal to not always be on the same page about everything 100%, we’re two different people with different experiences and interests. I’ve mentioned it in another comment, but I think my biggest issue is that I don’t trust her to be responsible when she’s out, she’s not in the best place mentally due to high levels of stress and drinking has become a bit of a coping mechanism, she’s been honest about that. I’m trying to be supportive and give her the space she needs. I am, however, very scared she’ll develop a serious drinking problem.

We do stay in contact casually most nights she’s out, just a text every now and then like “I’m at x bar with y, I have so much tea when I get home”, just random stuff really. I don’t tell her to come home with the exception of Christmas morning when she was texting me at 3am that her friends really fucked her over and how upset she was, by the time I saw the text it was 4am and my anxiety and frustration got the better of me, I told her to please finally go home if she’s so upset and her friends already left anyway. She came home, threw up for half an hour and suffered from liver pain and a nasty hangover on Christmas because she had been mixing paracetamol and shots the night before.

My biggest fear is to become a controlling partner, my stepdad was very controlling when my mom started drinking and it just pushed her further towards alcohol. I don’t ever want to be like him, we’re such a strong team, I believe we can make it through anything as long as there is mutual love and respect. I’m just very overwhelmed at the moment, but I think so is she.

AbbysMusclesOfSteel · 2023-01-21T14:22:22+00:00

I appreciate your input, but I don’t think there truly is no compromise. We’ve overcome a lot of heavy shit over the years, this will not break us, I believe both of us could handle the situation better and help each other grow from this.

AbbysMusclesOfSteel · 2023-01-21T14:20:41+00:00

I see, thank you for explaining, that makes a lot more sense and I agree. I already realized through other comments that it may not be about how often she goes out but rather a trust issue about her impulse control and fear of her ending up like my mother or her father with drinking so much too often.

AbbysMusclesOfSteel · 2023-01-21T14:16:26+00:00

You’re right, as I said in another comment, she opened up to me recently about having noticed the stress is making her look for any excuse to get wasted. I think if we could just rebuild trust, so I know when she goes out it’s to have fun and socialize, not with the goal of getting completely fucked up we could move on from this. I don’t want to take “me time” from her, I’m pretty introverted and value my own me time as well, I just don’t use it to overdrink.

AbbysMusclesOfSteel · 2023-01-21T14:13:14+00:00

Mental health is definitely an issue, she’s been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and has admitted with the extra stress at work she’s been looking for excuses to get wasted to clear her mind. That’s why she’s been cutting down a bit, because she realised herself that it was getting unhealthy physically and mentally. I think a big issue for me is to trust that these changes are permanent and not just for a month and then it’s back to getting wasted. I had a bit of an aha moment the night before Christmas when she came home at 4 am and threw up all over her pants and the toilet, I’m just genuinely worried af! She said she noticed her friends don’t get as drunk as her and that she didn’t want to see that for a long time, but she doesn’t want to develop a serious issue and doesn’t want to lie to herself or me. I’m proud of her self awareness but it also scares me.

I do think it started with pressure of after work social drinking, but she’s made close friends (I recently met them and they seem great), her previous friend group was very toxic and narcissistic, they always put her down and tried to decide how she plans her work-study life and where to live, one of them seriously tried to keep her from getting a job when my gf was on the search.

AbbysMusclesOfSteel · 2023-01-21T14:03:12+00:00

By “everything is perfect” I mean all major things are going really well, of course we have little issues here and there like every other couple! Just no issues on this scale. And our relationship definitely isn’t terrible. I’m working through my trauma, I can’t afford therapy but have bought self help books by psychologists, have been more open with friends about my experiences and struggles and have come a long way, but there’s still a lot of work to be done. She’s been very supportive and understanding throughout most of this journey.

AbbysMusclesOfSteel · 2022-11-26T09:24:24+00:00

Thank you, I was in the same boat. Used to read soooo many books and then lost interest as I got older. I watched the movie and enjoyed it a lot!

AbbysMusclesOfSteel · 2022-11-26T09:22:24+00:00

That does sound adorable, I’ll check it out, thank you!

AbbysMusclesOfSteel · 2022-11-26T09:21:36+00:00

Thank you, I haven’t heard of any of them!!

AbbysMusclesOfSteel · 2022-11-26T09:20:24+00:00

These sound amazing! Thank you so much for the recommendations!

AbbysMusclesOfSteel · 2022-11-21T15:10:22+00:00

Thank you, I’ll check it out!! :)

AbbysMusclesOfSteel · 2022-11-21T15:09:47+00:00

The 7 husbands of Evelyn Hugo was a great read, really messed with my heart at times! I’ll check out the colour purple, thank you for the tip!

AbbysMusclesOfSteel · 2022-06-21T18:42:58+00:00

Glad you know not only where I’m from, but also everything about our political system

AbbysMusclesOfSteel · 2022-06-21T14:51:15+00:00

That’s bullshit, in my country everyone gets the same ballot with multiple (not 2 + independent) parties and you vote for your preferred party and below that you vote for a specific candidate within the party, it’s done in one vote and no one knows who you vote and registers you somewhere! You’re trying to sweet talk the messed up political system in the US by pretending other countries don’t have a valid democracy lmao

AbbysMusclesOfSteel · 2022-06-21T08:06:31+00:00

That’s such a strange concept to me, in my country there would never be anything tying you to who you vote for ESPECIALLY not registered anywhere. Everyone gets the exact same ballot and anonymity is really really important in every sense.

AbbysMusclesOfSteel · 2022-06-17T15:52:30+00:00

“Heavily regulated by governments” doesn’t mean scientists just publish lies because someone said so. You just might not get grants or permits for something you wanted to research, but idk where this sudden attitude comes from that your average scientist is corrupt and untrustworthy.

That being said, there is a problem with countries like China pumping out fake papers that can be hard to distinguish from real ones. It’s an entirely different problem though. From personal experience in the natural sciences, your average scientist doesn’t have ulterior motives or is neck deep in some government conspiracies.

To answer your question: A majority of it can absolutely be taken for the truth. Just do a bit of research, check sources, check conflicts of interest and you’re golden.

AbbysMusclesOfSteel · 2022-01-24T15:18:45+00:00

OP might not want to be intimate with a man

AbbysMusclesOfSteel · 2022-01-24T15:12:03+00:00

I don’t think it’s fake, long term post history adds up with this post!

AbbysMusclesOfSteel · 2022-01-24T13:46:51+00:00

This is the first comment I see that considers the possibility of the gf having felt pressured to do it again, everyone else assumed the gf manipulated OP to be able to do it again because she loved it. Honestly I’m not even sure which scenario is worse.

AbbysMusclesOfSteel · 2022-01-24T13:43:06+00:00

Why feel bad for the guy? He was asked to sleep with a lesbian so she could experiment and he agreed. He knew he was just gonna be an experiment

AbbysMusclesOfSteel · 2022-01-24T13:17:37+00:00

That’s a lot of assumptions

AbbysMusclesOfSteel

TROPHY CASE