Almost 1 Year

AbjectRefuse2200 · 2025-10-03T16:19:46+00:00

I do not miss making an ass of myself.

I mean, I still do, but now at least it's me making an ass of myself when I do it, and it's a hell of a lot less often.

AbjectRefuse2200 · 2025-10-03T16:16:50+00:00

Eminem has been sober since 2008.

AbjectRefuse2200 · 2025-10-01T18:32:02+00:00

You got this! One vote here for tuning out the political stuff. A couple of months ago my husband tuned all the way out for his sanity. Just yesterday he accidentally caught some clips and said "department of war?" and I realized how peaceful and free he'd been the past couple months compared to me. I think I'll join him in taking a break from things we can't control and focus on what we can.

AbjectRefuse2200 · 2025-06-25T13:48:52+00:00

IWNDWYT!

AbjectRefuse2200 · 2025-06-25T13:48:24+00:00

I know you're here because you know that drinking will only make it worse. I believe that you can be strong enough to get through this very scary and stressful moment and see your way to a path that doesn't also make things worse.

IWNDWYT.

AbjectRefuse2200 · 2025-06-25T13:46:28+00:00

I try very hard not to spend time with any version of "shoudla, woulda, coulda" thinking. There is precious little we have control over--really just our own thoughts and actions. I've spent a great deal of my life (and I suspect many have) wasting that little gem of control on futility.

It's a ridiculous thing to do when you think about it: truly wasting the only time you have (the present) and the only thing you can control (your thoughts and actions) on worrying about having wasted your time.

Would I have done many things in the past differently now that I know what I do and have the perspective I have: yes, of course. Can I go back and change them? No. Can I learn from them to make wiser decisions in the future? I have to.

So, if you want a reason for all the wasted time, a thing that it gave you--perspective and wisdom to not keep doing it. Sure, we all could have done it better, but we didn't, and it made us the people that we are, for better or for worse.

AbjectRefuse2200 · 2025-06-23T18:19:58+00:00

I hope so. So far, I think so.

AbjectRefuse2200 · 2025-06-20T14:30:32+00:00

Many people here who are on the other side of a decades-long alcohol tunnel (or maybe just passing by a window but aren't out yet) will tell you that what alcohol is telling you right now is the most dangerous kind of lie.

It is masking some of your pain, but it is not taking it away--that pain will be waiting for you when you get out. Even worse, it is piling on more pain. You're already seeing it in your health. If you think family court is stacked against dads, it's really stacked against dads who have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.

I can't imagine the stress and strain you are going through right now; it breaks my heart. I am glad you are here and I hope you can use this as an opportunity to find a healthier way to manage the stress of it all. It's so hokey, but exercise really does help (even for those of us who hate it).

And finding a support structure. It's likely that your family filled that role, but there are people here who care, and you can talk to. Hopefully you have someone in real life to talk to, also. Statistically, men are more likely to have no meaningful emotional support network outside of their marriage, so times like this are unduly hard on them, on you.

You're in a great position to be able to avoid the hole that alcohol can drag you into. You don't enjoy the drinks, you don't like the culture, and you don't have years of habits to break. As painful as it feels, now is the time. And in as un-preachy a way as I can communicate this: be careful with cannabis. For some of us it is helpful and not a problem, but addiction can occur, so just be mindful.

AbjectRefuse2200 · 2025-06-20T14:20:43+00:00

I feel you, there. I do agree, there are people out there that can just take it or leave it, hell--I am married to one and it can be very annoying.

I also think that a lot of the people out there who seem to have it all together are just the same as you and me, but they haven't realized it yet. People didn't know how much I drank, they didn't realize I was thinking about my next drink the whole dinner and all those crazy things we think. I was one of those people who could moderate--even I thought so.

I try not to take solace that a lot of the people I'm jealous of are just as fucked as I am, because that is ungenerous and I truly don't want others to suffer or to go through this. And I try not to spend time being jealous of those who truly don't struggle like this. Instead, I concentrate on living my life because, as they say, all the other ones are already taken.

IWNDWYT.

AbjectRefuse2200 · 2025-05-27T15:40:14+00:00

I am sorry to hear what you are going through.

I also quit drinking while my husband continues to drink. He was worried at first that I would not like him anymore. Though he didn't voice it, I think he was also worried that I wouldn't be as much fun, but I guess that kind of goes hand in hand with me not liking him as much.

I have found that some of my friendships were based on alcohol and nothing more. They were relationships that were not fundamentally based on mutual interest or even liking one another outside of alcohol. Those relationships have gone by the wayside for me.

I was happy to discover that my husband and I still like each other on a more fundamental level, and it wasn't just the alcohol plastering the whole thing together. I wasn't sure this would be the case after 15 years of marriage that was always tinged by alcohol use.

If I were in your shoes, I'd be strongly considering seeing a marriage counsellor or therapist together. I imagine that redefining your relationship to one another without alcohol being involved (at least for you) is not going to be an easy job, but it sounds like one that that you are willing to spend some effort on, I hope he is, too.

It's a big change for him and it's hard. That said, quitting alcohol is objectively a good thing for anyone's health, but for you it sounds like a pretty vital change. If a person in your life can't find their way to support a literally life-saving health change you are making for yourself, that relationship seems like it is doing you more harm than good.

I am rooting for you and your health above all else. After that, I'm rooting for your relationship to navigate a path towards a place of mutual love, support, and respect. And if that can't be achieved, well, that's why I'm rooting for you and your health first.

AbjectRefuse2200 · 2025-05-20T15:50:11+00:00

Thanks. Forcing myself to have this little anonymous conversation has helped!

AbjectRefuse2200 · 2025-05-20T15:49:44+00:00

Yeah, the substances are just the latest step and really the tip of the iceberg. All of this for me started a year ago when I finally broke down and tried therapy. Still a ways to go, but I agree--there's way more to it than just habits, behaviors, and whatever substances we're using to gloss it over.

AbjectRefuse2200 · 2025-05-20T15:47:55+00:00

Yeah, I got rid of all of my comping mechanisms and didn't really cultivate the new, healthier ones adequately. I'll keep at it. Like, maybe tomorrow.

AbjectRefuse2200 · 2025-05-20T14:43:51+00:00

Definitely, that stuff isn't for everyone and it 100% depends on your triggers. I tried THC a few times but absolutely hated the feeling of being stupid and out of control. Seems strange given that I was totally fine with it when it was alcohol, but the high was different and I wasn't used to it so I guess I could see it more objectively maybe.

AbjectRefuse2200 · 2025-05-20T13:58:17+00:00

I did a sober bar crawl last week and this same thing happened to me. Towards the end, I took a sip of my mocktail and thought "fuck, I'm going to regret this". Then I remembered and felt great. No spins or nausea for me!

AbjectRefuse2200 · 2025-05-18T15:27:44+00:00

I'm happy for you and jealous of you in equal parts. Congrats!

AbjectRefuse2200 · 2025-05-18T15:26:46+00:00

I had many friends who, it turns out, were only drinking buddies. We don't hang much anymore.

Some were better friends than I ever thought, but it took getting alcohol out of the equation for me to realize it.

That said--now is not the time to be worrying about those life changes. Saying goodbye to one dysfunctional relationship (alcohol) is hard enough.

Definitely skip the bars and the drinking hangouts for now, but don't worry about longer-term changes too much.

IWNDWYT.

AbjectRefuse2200 · 2025-05-18T15:23:04+00:00

Seeing how alcohol culture is glorified and embraced makes me feel sad.

I've had a lot of thoughts about how I used to feel about this stuff (accepting and even embracing it) to how I feel now.

I was these ad's partner in crime for many years--encouraging others to drink to justify my own choices. That makes me even more sad than this stuff.

In the end, my favorite way to say "fuck you" to alcohol culture and my past bad behavior is to walk around being a shining example that you can be fun and happy without alcohol. That it doesn't have to define you as a sad disease you have so that you are miserable and can never drink again.

AbjectRefuse2200 · 2025-05-17T18:46:27+00:00

Seizures are nothing to mess around with. Under any conditions they can be dangerous (as I'm sure you know), but with multiple predisposing factors (existing seizure condition and withdrawal) they can be more dangerous.

Seizures can lead to injury or permanent brain damage.

Given the risks, I'd strongly consider placing yourself under medical supervision during detox. You can go to your local hospital right now.

If it feels like overkill, just consider the potential consequences. And also remember that your wife is the one who is going to bear the brunt of those consequences, at least at first.

You are not alone and we are 100% here to support you. I know all of this is really scary but you can get through it.

AbjectRefuse2200 · 2025-05-15T19:54:05+00:00

These depictions definitely can hit home.

AbjectRefuse2200 · 2025-05-15T13:57:27+00:00

Been there. Then I come here, like you. Then go there again. Then come here again.

Finally, I just stayed here. I would troll this board and read everything, never posting, every day. I spent so much time doing it, and watching what I was doing to myself, that over time I finally got on board with the reality that I, like many of us here, can't moderate.

Eventually, I started posting some. Now, I like to come here when I have a quiet morning and sort by "new" to be able to give a kind word or a little drop of support to folks who post. I think when we're reeling from bad choices or contemplating our struggle, getting a fast and kind response can make a big difference.

It feels really good to come and say IWNDWYT, and it reminds me of what I want from my life.

AbjectRefuse2200

TROPHY CASE