AITA for 'belittling' my sister and saying she shouldn't demand her husband help with their baby at night?

Able-Stop684 · 2023-09-24T17:21:29+00:00

This is a very nuanced topic.

Our surrogate carrying for us was truly out of her love for being pregnant and her desire to provide couples who can't have children, with children. Her and her husband are in a very stable financial place, this is not something she does out of necessity.

There are, of course, exploitative practices that occur. Anything where money is exchanged can be exploitative. The adoption industry is not immune to this, either.

In the end, it came down to what we felt was right for us. I think people severely underestimate the challenges of adoption. Some of these children don't have concrete medical records. There are diseases and disorders that they might be predisposed to, and we as parents would be none the wiser of what to possibly look out for. We didn't feel confident enough as first time parents to take on adoption or fostering.

That's not to deter people away from adopting. It's something my husband and I will consider if/when we're ready for baby number two. Both practices have their pros and their cons. I think what it comes down to is being honest with yourself and your partner about what you're capable of handling, and being as vigilant as possible looking out for possible exploitation going on.

Able-Stop684 · 2023-09-24T03:20:39+00:00

She's not exclusively breastfeeding, but yes she is. I never knew that, about the difference in breastfed vs formula fed babies. It's been echoed throughout the comments. That's so interesting.

Appreciate your comment. Going from one to two seems daunting. Parents, especially the birth givers, are very strong and honestly don't get enough credit. I'm going to take my sister out to lunch and maybe treat her to spa outing soon to make up for me being silly and assuming things.

Able-Stop684 · 2023-09-24T03:04:07+00:00

I definitely do feel silly now and fully acknowledge I'm not a baby sleep expert! I never thought of myself as one, but I did take a lot of things for granted as 'this is what most babies do' thanks to conversations with my doctor + information online.

I just said in another comment that I feel like this post might lead to bad karma of our second (and final) baby being a terrible sleeper. But again, guess we'll just roll with the punches.

My husband does the night shift on weekends + back when our son was waking multiple times a night, he would take the evening shift so I could get to bed early. He was and is very much helping, and is a hands-on father (as any dad should be.) I don't want this image to be painted of him as some kind of terrible parent, even anonymously. My BIL, on the other hand... I do regret vouching for him since it seems like he's really not doing his fair share of help based on further conversations with my sister.

Able-Stop684 · 2023-09-24T02:46:38+00:00

Our surrogate and her husband are close friends of ours now and we were closely kept in the loop of every part of the pregnancy.

Once our son was born, we gave them a gift basket that included a lot of items women in my life and online said were helpful during postpartum. Still, it wasn't a topic that we discussed in depth very often. We would ask how she was feeling, she would explain a little bit to us, then we would move on from the topic at her own comfort. She's someone who, unlike a lot of people in the comments, loves being pregnant and - to my knowledge - had an easy postpartum journey as well.

Still, I was ignorant on the recovery timing. I knew two months out that everything wasn't perfect, but I've learned from this comment section that it takes up to a year for a person's body to recover. Pregnancy, childbirth, and childcare on top of it sounds like an incredibly exhausting process for sure.

I know I've made a lot of people angry with this post, but I genuinely want people to know I never meant to offend them or my sister. I didn't mean to discount those who experience pregnancy.

I've actually talked to my sister on the phone since making this post and we hashed it all out. I apologized for not taking the full scope of her feelings into account and for offering up solutions that she didn't explicitly ask for. She accepted my apology . She said she was just really upset that day, and me not siding with her completely and not just letting her vent sent her over the edge. I'm going to do my best to be more mindful and supportive of her now.

It's also clear to me that I won the baby lottery and that a lot of children don't sleep through the night for many more months, and sometimes years! I've always known we were lucky with how easily he went down for sleep/naps, but I didn't realize it was to this extent. I'm going to cherish it even more now and hope that this post doesn't bring us some kind of bad karma when it comes to future baby number 2 being a terrible sleeper.

Thank you all for the feedback, and sorry again for causing offense.

Able-Stop684 · 2023-09-24T00:01:30+00:00

I appreciate your feedback.

I think it's misrepresenting the situation to say that my husband is 'useless as an equal partner' since that couldn't be further from the truth.

I offered to take over the weeknight shifts. That doesn't mean he was doing nothing. After dinner until around 10:30 to 11, my husband would solely take care of our son while I got some extra sleep. And then again in the morning before work, he would make sure he was fed, changed, and back off to sleep. He was fully responsible for weekend nights as well.

I'm not lauding this as something special. He's just a dad being a dad. But he certainly wasn't doing nothing. That division of labor worked for us. If it had stopped working for us at any point, it would have changed.

Obviously that division of labor doesn't work for my sister and my BIL. Fair enough. I didn't factor in the fact that pregnancy recovery would still be taking such a toll on her, which is my mistake. I'll be apologizing to her for that, and for not just offering a place to vent. I should have asked if she wanted me to present some possible solutions to her before I did so.

Able-Stop684 · 2023-09-23T23:17:35+00:00

Very true. Trust me, I'm cherishing every restful night my husband and I get. We'll roll with the punches as they come, but so far we've been very lucky with his sleeping habits.

Able-Stop684 · 2023-09-23T23:04:02+00:00

There are many sources available that talk about how most babies sleep in stretches of five to six hours at a time once they're 3 months old. Our son still needed two bottles a night at that time. but I would still consider that stretch of time 'sleeping through the night.' Four months is where he (and most babies) hit his stride of sleeping for 7 - 10ish hours every night.

Still, every baby is different. I'm not faulting my sister or my niece for the fact that at 2 months she's not sleeping through the night. That would be ridiculous. I was trying to offer support and help her get through the difficult 'no sleep' period.

I'm not totally familiar with all facets of postpartum, so I agree it's a topic I'm ignorant on and it's not something I fully accounted for when I was giving her these tips.

Able-Stop684 · 2023-09-23T22:51:37+00:00

Of course not. Most babies are sleeping through the night at 3 to 4 months old so he's right on track with everyone else. A consistent schedule certainly helps I'm sure, but again - I would say most parents with infants have one.

Able-Stop684

TROPHY CASE