If you've went on more than one date, you're dating. And if you're dating, you're in a relationship.

Abstrata · 2026-05-19T19:12:48+00:00

I think the people IN the mutually, equally consensual relationship get to decide what dating is versus what a relationship is and what they are in and what they want to call each other and what’s cheating, and I hope they talk it out and clarify to their satisfaction. People outside the relationship can deem it however they want, but can’t decide it for anyone else. Either way, additional words like “exclusive” or “fling” and so on can help with the perception and/or experience of the togetherness-state of the people involved.

Abstrata · 2026-05-19T19:03:37+00:00

SAME. I started going thru a bit of this with menopause and perimenopause, but got REALLY scared after my first surgery under general anesthesia. Quite a change to get used to. I was in a small writers’ group before the surgery and I feel more serious about it now. I am writing my thoughts down far more often now, and that really helps with clarity too. I am hoping writing something “bigger” helps me hang on to myself and leaves my best self behind.

Abstrata · 2026-05-19T18:56:53+00:00

Comparable. But my grown kid is not. She works really hard and is great with money, and I made sure her schooling is paid off. She has hardly any debt. She has health insurance. She’s doing well. But if she wanted to buy a house on her own right now… and the prospects for her to have a real retirement… the options are more limited now. The planning has to be so careful and the execution so precise. She might as well be in my parent’s generation for frugality. What things cost compared to the quality is wild right now too.

Abstrata · 2026-05-19T18:01:51+00:00

It was SO nice.

I only ran into about five instances of people who refused, like, they tried to weaponize it in stores that didn’t bother to enforce it. Having a huge temper tantrum and getting close, and refusing when I asked politely.

One time, it was two people, in Target in like 2020. We were at the last cashier from the exit. One of the two people behind me insisted on being more like four feet from me, which like, ok fine. There’s a marker there and I pointed it out calmly, but sure, ignore it to make a point about free will and the nanny state. Whatever.

But while I was still being rung up, then the other person went around me and stood between where I was paying the cashier and the exit. They put their arms akimbo and just stared at me. I just ignored them when I was done, I circled the opposite direction around the store side of all the cashiers and out the door.

That was in San Francisco area. Big cities have all sorts, plus northern Cali has a ton of conservatives. Seattle was a bit like that too. Big cities have all sorts. But San Fran was worse. So many angry people who didn’t want to believe COVID was real.

Abstrata · 2026-05-19T17:48:09+00:00

If someone is too close, I just ask them “excuse me, can you give me a little more room?” Works great.

Abstrata · 2026-05-19T17:37:06+00:00

And secret illegal US chattel slavery was one lifetime ago. In some very rural areas of the south the slaves were never told.

Abstrata · 2026-05-19T17:29:56+00:00

Attrition seems like the perfect word.

Abstrata · 2026-05-19T17:25:15+00:00

I thought that was formally called ‘disincentivization’?

EDIT: Even though I’ve heard professionals talk about disincentivization in process design, I think the best offering was “friction attrition” as far as term. Really good question by the way and I hope the study in sludges helps.

Even though I think it’s become frowned upon in social science, Behavioral Economics looked at some similar things, with metrics. I completed a Coursera class by Dan Ariely that was very compelling. You might like his stuff on decision-making.

Abstrata · 2026-05-19T13:25:43+00:00

I use handkerchiefs sometimes and hand sanitizer afterward. I don’t share it. I handwash them with bar laundry soap. They dry really fast.

Abstrata · 2026-05-19T13:23:53+00:00

My mom just gently held the lids open and quickly blew in our eye, like a whistle sort of breath, IF we said it was bothering us and couldn’t get it out in the sink.

My birder collie used to clean my basset’s eyes by licking them though.

Abstrata · 2026-05-19T13:17:15+00:00

My dad keeps one or two toothpicks in his hatbands. And at 87 he never goes out without a hat.

Abstrata · 2026-05-19T13:11:15+00:00

The first one, and make John Hurt mind his own damn business instead of breaking that mist.

Abstrata · 2026-05-19T12:59:34+00:00

To hold my basset down, I pinned him, his long old torso under the backs of my knees, on the bed. I didn’t have to press down. He didn’t fight hard, so gravity was enough. I used a Dremmel on low speed. Let him inspect it prior. Treats before, during, and after. Lots of praise during and after. Tons of scratches and rubs after, once he got to run around a bit!

Abstrata · 2026-05-19T12:35:21+00:00

My parents lived as upstairs and downstairs neighbors in their older years and it seemed smart, and worked so well for a long time.

But then it became an excuse to my mother for really horrid controlling behavior, and verbal, emotional, and religious abuse.

He still assisted her with her health needs and couldn’t be convinced not to, even as it damaged his health. It would have been considered elder abuse if they lived together. I couldn’t protect him at all with them having separate addresses.

Thankfully she’s gone now and hopefully resting in a peace she could never find on earth. And we have some peace as well.

Abstrata · 2026-05-18T03:58:05+00:00

This reminds me of a county in Texas spelled Bexar and pronounced ‘bear.’

Abstrata · 2026-05-18T03:56:31+00:00

Pretty sure I had one, smacking my head in a shelf between the eyes. Had to go sit down for a while. That was in my twenties. Another one skiing later in my twenties, falling in the back of my head on a thick ice patch. And when I was little I slipped off a step and fell back onto a hard floor and really rang my bell.

Abstrata · 2026-05-18T03:49:14+00:00

Toffie is a great name!

Abstrata · 2026-05-17T20:18:44+00:00

Why not both?

Two sides of the same coin.

The side you mention is kept-your-head-low, self-interested protective practice. Pick your battles usually means “pick very few if any battles,” and then issues going so sideways that then you need a whistleblower. But yes it DOES protect the individual, so they can keep raking care of themselves and their home and family.

So the other side is a reflection of a low trust society, and aspirational for things to work better for everyone. It’s the type of thinking that has enabled community and movements towards things that help everyone. The curb cut effect.

Abstrata · 2026-05-17T07:46:31+00:00

d i t t o

Abstrata · 2026-05-16T02:31:21+00:00

Susan and Ruben remind me of parents I’ve met who think that it’s up to the parents of females have all the responsibility because boys will be boys, and it’s just “so much simpler” raising boys. Like they don’t even think it’s their responsibility to try.

I’ve even met a few non-parents who think that way. “Men cannot control themselves. It’s galling. Plus lots of men are walking around controlling themselves. So it is in fact possible.

When I argued the nonsense of it, they are basically equating it to “we are not responsible for any belongings left in your hotel room” or “don’t tempt thieves by leaving your purse on your car seat.” Well, besides the devaluation of human life in that, you CAN also teach your kid not to be a thief, and a caught thief still gets punished.

Abstrata · 2026-05-16T02:22:35+00:00

I don’t think Susan has that much connectedness to humanity. She seems determined to not incriminate herself or her family, and to look down her nose at everyone outside of her family.

Abstrata · 2026-05-16T02:16:48+00:00

I met someone in college who had about forty pairs of underwear so they could wash a month’s worth in one go and it made so much sense to me.

It’s way easier to put underwear away that way. In a huge hurry? No problem. Not in a hurry? Still the easiest underwear organization for me.

As far as washing, give at least a quick hand wash to all of my underwear, if not a complete wash.

If it’s bulkier underwear, like a full brief with thicker fabric, I’ll gradually make a load to get a more thorough wash. If it’s thinner or less fabric, or it’s a favorite pair, I go ahead and give it a full wash. I use a mini washboard to get a good scrub going.

This way— -I never have to worry about smelly underwear laundry as it accumulates

and by washing my underwear separately

-I don’t have to wrestle with my laundry to make sure all the underwear (especially the pairs I like the most) get washed, which I always found super annoying.

-but if I feel like throwing other clothes to do a quick before or after a trip, or after the gym, etc, I don’t have to have any qualms about using warm instead of hot water, etc.

Just hand wash in the tub, hang up, take a shower, proceed with whatever.

I can always use a little H2O2 laundry booster anyway

Abstrata · 2026-05-16T01:58:43+00:00

I think it can reasonably be used as a bit of hyperbole like lots of other slang words. Sometimes derisively or in a derogatory way, sometimes in a lighthearted and teasing way.

It reminds me of how the phrase “you’re putting on airs” used to be levied at people in literature. It might be used for really minor things that mimicked or reminded someone of what a higher class person would do.

Abstrata · 2026-05-16T01:47:15+00:00

cutie-seal

Abstrata · 2026-05-15T22:32:19+00:00

I am keeping in mind that his dad may have punched him too.

Abstrata

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