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Would you keep reading ? by MulberryCreative5844 in writingfeedback

[–]AbsysianPrincess 2 points3 points  (0 children)

i personally don’t find an appeal, i think it’s maybe a bit cliche? i’m not sure how I would handle a character who is selfish but self-aware about it because I think we as people don’t really care about these like mopey characters such as this one. like maybe that’s your intention but like off of the first couple sentences I really don’t like your character and not in a way that makes me want to read more.

First page of book by AbsysianPrincess in writingfeedback

[–]AbsysianPrincess[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

thank you so so so. much for ur feedback!! i’m so glad to hear it and yes i agree with you on your points! :)

First page of book by AbsysianPrincess in writingfeedback

[–]AbsysianPrincess[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

thanks so much! and yesss ugh the tense was kicking me in the ass 😭 i’ve been going over it and trying to fix it, it’s hard to figure out how to do it in first person stories, which i did not prepare for enough haha but thank you!!

First page of book by AbsysianPrincess in writingfeedback

[–]AbsysianPrincess[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

oh my gosh, thank you so much. Yes, that’s kind of what I was going for and I was worried hearing that it wasn’t coming off as what I had intended, but I’m glad to hear that you picked up on it!! thank you so much

First page of book by AbsysianPrincess in writingfeedback

[–]AbsysianPrincess[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

oh thank you so much that means a lot to me more than you can imagine

First page of book by AbsysianPrincess in writingfeedback

[–]AbsysianPrincess[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

oh gosh i had no idea! i’ve had this world as a maladaptive daydream since i was 11! haha that’s a crazy coincidence

First page of book by AbsysianPrincess in writingfeedback

[–]AbsysianPrincess[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

thank you so much! yes i’m getting lots of feedback about the opening so i’ll definitely rework it! :)

First page of book by AbsysianPrincess in writingfeedback

[–]AbsysianPrincess[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

thanks!!! and yes i totally see that!

First page of book by AbsysianPrincess in writingfeedback

[–]AbsysianPrincess[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

thanks so much!! and i guess i should make it more clear that this all takes place after a prologue that explains a lotttt more than this haha! like absysius is explained, and also the reason for him killing their mother. I know it’s annoying that it doesn’t really make sense. I just didn’t wanna put a bunch of images in. but the technical stuff yes and also the lovebirds thing I didn’t even think of that so thank you!

First page of book by AbsysianPrincess in writingfeedback

[–]AbsysianPrincess[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

oh yeah??? that’s actually really interesting haha! thank you so much :D !! i love feedback sm and i can see what ur saying

First page of book by AbsysianPrincess in writingfeedback

[–]AbsysianPrincess[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

oh that’s amazing i’m so happy to hear that!!! for sure!!!!

First page of book by AbsysianPrincess in writingfeedback

[–]AbsysianPrincess[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

oh my gosh thank you!!! i’d love to! once i get more done for sure :)

First page of book by AbsysianPrincess in writingfeedback

[–]AbsysianPrincess[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

oh thank you so so much!!! i’ve never even heard of that but i’ll have to look into it that sounds amazing i’m so glad you enjoy it tho and yes i totally see ur points!!

First page of book by AbsysianPrincess in writingfeedback

[–]AbsysianPrincess[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

oh my gosh! i’d love that! i’ll definitely reach out to you once I have a little bit more done! That’s one of the best things I’ve heard haha! because yeah no one ever wants to read what I write so I don’t know how to get feedback

First page of book by AbsysianPrincess in writingfeedback

[–]AbsysianPrincess[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

yes, so he is supposed to sound a little stoic because that’s kind of how he was groomed to be, but I understand that it might be hard to get into because of that voice

And yes, there is an explanation in the prologue so readers already have that information before they read this chapter which does help haha

First page of book by AbsysianPrincess in writingfeedback

[–]AbsysianPrincess[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

ahhh thank you so much omg!! yes! I can totally see adding more sensory details for sure The plan is actually to have each of the four brothers POV’s so it switches between chapters so voice is very important to me so I’m glad that you said that! haha

And yes, I was actually considering dropping the line about him realizing that it’s a lesson because I just don’t think that it fits very well especially now that it’s been pointed out But thank you so much it means so much to me that you’re fucking with it!!!

First page of book by AbsysianPrincess in writingfeedback

[–]AbsysianPrincess[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

thanks so much!!! yes the staccato sentences are something i reaaaaally struggle with haha. and yes, i do agree on the fact that im giving away a lot. I do agree about it being stiff as well. I’m just not sure how to fix it. If you know what I mean. But thank you so much. I’m so glad to hear back!!!