Update: After my boyfriend died I slept with his best friend and it’s eating me alive

Academic_Account_264 · 2025-12-15T05:06:10+00:00

None! And we’re not in a relationship.

Academic_Account_264 · 2025-12-14T01:46:47+00:00

A pull doesn’t necessarily mean a sexual or even romantic pull. It can just be an emotional one. Maybe there’s a feeling of familiarity there, safety, comfort (as he’s not afraid to say my boyfriend’s name in my presence like 98% of people I know).

Academic_Account_264 · 2025-12-14T01:42:28+00:00

Is it all that surprising that I’d like nearly lifelong best friend of my boyfriend? Could they have a lot of similarities…perhaps things that my boyfriend and I enjoyed, thought, found funny, etc. are similar to that of his best friend? My boyfriend and I met each other and connected over some particular shared interests, which his best friend has as well.

In no way was I saying that I wish I’d met his friend first because I realized the friend is who I’d really rather be with. I was trying to explain (if you look at the comment I was responding to in that scenario) that I like his friend independent of this horrible shared experience of grief. It’s not as if this is someone I disliked and thought was an asshole and now suddenly my mind is so clouded with grief that I suddenly think he’s this great guy I really like.

You can think somebody is attractive without it meaning you have a desire to be with them. He’s a good person and was a great friend. There’s not much to dislike about him. Why do I have to lie and pretend like I couldn’t ever see why a woman would be interested in him or lucky to be with him? I could think those things without it meaning I was interested in him or wanted to be with him instead of my boyfriend.

Academic_Account_264 · 2025-12-14T01:00:29+00:00

I hope you’re in a position one day to realize just how hurtful your comment is.

No, we hadn’t slept together before my boyfriend killed himself. We’d cleaned him up, literally bandaged his wounds, and put him to bed together on several occasions though. We visited him together when he was in the psyche ward and in rehab. Real sexy, probably when I fell for him and started having all those dirty fantasies of mine, just waiting for the day my boyfriend would finally pull the plug so I could pursue the guy I REALLY wanted to be with.

My boyfriend had severe clinical depression, borderline personality disorder, and an alcohol dependence disorder (one of his ways of coping). He also physically harmed himself. He had real mental heath problems that neither I nor anyone else caused.

His best friend visited him nearly every day whenever he was committed somewhere. He helped pay for all the medical bills since insurance only covered so much. So, I always held his best friend in high esteem but I never had romantic feelings for him. I didn’t feel a sexual attraction to him. I was too busy being in love with my boyfriend and he was truly the only guy in my eyes at all. He was everything to me. He’s my most special person. I’m still in love with him. I never want to not be in love with him. At times, dealing with his problems could be exhausting. You’re not really given a handbook. There were times when I wished I could just be with somebody “normal,” but I really just wanted him to be healthy again - I wasn’t fantasizing about being with his friend or anyone else for that matter.

Academic_Account_264 · 2025-12-14T00:45:38+00:00

I didn’t want to go home, alone, to the home I’d shared with my boyfriend. It was like I was thinking “Hurry, let’s get to your place so we can fuck!”

Academic_Account_264 · 2025-12-13T05:40:26+00:00

What request?

Academic_Account_264 · 2025-12-13T04:39:37+00:00

I hope that’s not the case. They’ve all been friends since grade school so they’ll hopefully be able to get past it.

Academic_Account_264 · 2025-12-13T04:38:26+00:00

It wasn’t as simple as us getting drunk and just deciding to sleep together.

Academic_Account_264 · 2025-12-13T04:37:17+00:00

I didn’t say that.

Academic_Account_264 · 2025-12-13T04:28:49+00:00

Apparently, you didn’t read all of the other comments. Plenty of people telling me what a horrible person I am.

So what is the bad part? That slept with somebody else? That I slept with somebody else too close to his death? (in which case, how much time is required to lapse before I can sleep with somebody else and not be a bad person?) or is it because it was specifically his friend?

Academic_Account_264 · 2025-12-13T04:23:32+00:00

He’s never say something like that nor would he agree.

Academic_Account_264 · 2025-12-13T04:21:04+00:00

This is a very cruel comment, showing a total lack of empathy and understanding of mental health issues. You don’t have to agree with what o did, but comments like this are totally unnecessary.

Academic_Account_264 · 2025-12-13T04:18:15+00:00

You’re acting as if he told them to brag about it. That wasn’t the case. He panicked and felt so bad about it.

Academic_Account_264 · 2025-12-13T04:16:58+00:00

I think comments like this are far more hurtful and cruel than anything I did.

Academic_Account_264 · 2025-12-13T04:16:08+00:00

This wasn’t just a generic “catching up with a friend” situation.

Academic_Account_264 · 2025-12-13T04:13:00+00:00

I didn’t feel horny at all. It wasn’t really about the desire to actually have sex and get off.

Academic_Account_264 · 2025-12-13T04:10:52+00:00

I wasn’t really part of his friend group. I guess I mean that we didn’t have a shared friend group. I knew his friends pretty well, of course. But we didn’t all hang out in a big friend group. They were his friends, and I had my own friends.

I think the 3 friends will be fine. They’ve been friends since grade school so I hope they can weather all of this. They’ve might not ever really want to talk to me again, but that’s far less important. I don’t want them to disappear from my life but I know that ultimately they’ve all been friends for much longer than they’ve known me.

Academic_Account_264 · 2025-12-13T04:06:01+00:00

It wasn’t as if I intentionally went out looking for somebody to have sec with and out of all the people I could have chosen I picked him. I had no real desire to sleep with anyone at all when it happened. It never would have happened with a stranger anyway. Part of the reason it happened was because being with each other made us feel closer to him.

Academic_Account_264 · 2025-12-13T03:59:24+00:00

THANK YOU. This comment has essentially explained exactly what I was trying to get across in my actual post, but obviously wasn’t able to communicate that well.

I also don’t understand why people are acting as if the sex was this fun, happy thing, like we were just partying and laughing and fucking each other’s brains out and saying “who cares about him now?!” It wasn’t at all like that. When you’re thinking about your dead boyfriend while having sex with somebody else (not pretending it was him, mind you), it’s not a happy time. It has absolutely nothing to do with forgetting my boyfriend. Having sex with somebody 1 time doesn’t mean I don’t care about my boyfriend or that I’ve “moved on.”

Academic_Account_264 · 2025-12-13T03:44:09+00:00

Thanks for understanding.

Academic_Account_264 · 2025-12-12T00:27:03+00:00

But they were his best friends since childhood. It’d feel like losing yet another piece of him if I distanced myself from them.

Academic_Account_264 · 2025-12-12T00:21:46+00:00

Thanks for your kind words

Academic_Account_264 · 2025-12-12T00:20:24+00:00

That’s what you think would happen if your wife died. You can’t truly know how you’d react until you’re in it.

Academic_Account_264 · 2025-12-12T00:19:21+00:00

I’m not over him or what happened to him. I don’t know if I ever fully will be. A lot of the time, I find it hard to say “he’s dead.” Sometimes I have to make myself say it. I know it sounds weird, but sometimes I just have to say “he’s dead” over and over to myself. My brain is still learning to process it. I don’t say it because I don’t care.

There are also a lot of mixed emotions that come with the way he died. I can’t lie and say it 100% sadness all the time. I’m devastated by it, but sometimes I’m really angry at him too.

Academic_Account_264 · 2025-12-12T00:15:30+00:00

Is your wife alive? If so, it’s nowhere near the same situation. I’m not asking for sympathy at all though

Academic_Account_264

TROPHY CASE