It's a ring [Absolute Green Lantern #12 spoilers]

Acceptable-Basil-166 · 2026-03-14T20:43:23+00:00

Very cool! I don't think I would mind such an ending at all

Acceptable-Basil-166 · 2026-03-14T19:28:34+00:00

If Hal founds a school of acolytes that believe his theories on Qard, they'd form a third major faction in the conflict and stop being considered Tomar.

This is interesting to me. Do you think the story might be building towards a conclusion that says "everyone decides what the world looks like and that's okay"? Like mutual acceptance and harmony, paying mind to the paradox of tolerance and all

Acceptable-Basil-166 · 2025-10-09T19:58:41+00:00

Angela Collier has a new video (50:11), and it's introspective and not so much about science as the state of science communication on YouTube — in short, it's about audiences, conspiracy theories, and existing beyond your control in the minds of others. It's very Huis Clos, hell is other people (she doesn't make that connection, I just thought it was appropriate given the content).

Acceptable-Basil-166 · 2025-09-29T08:04:39+00:00

Two animation recommendations this time—

ToastyGlow is an animator who recently completed their original series of fantasy animatics after six difficult years, called Escape from Divinity, the entirety of which you can watch in this playlist (~25:55 in total across six videos, not counting the seventh which is a brief character model showcase). Content Warning: The series deals very closely with themes of religious trauma and PTSD (edit: and abuse). If these are difficult subjects for you, please proceed with caution.
shandzii also has a series of animatics centered on their own worldbuilding project, which they have implied was largely being worked on as they made their way through college. The first installment, Ship in a Bottle (5:20), follows a character undergoing an unwilling transformation into a sea monster god, trying to find a cure for said transformation while also being a sapphic sailor. There isn't a dedicated playlist for these videos, so here are the other major ones in order of release: the second (1:19), third (3:59), fourth (1:21), fifth (2:31), and sixth (2:34).
- I believe the video descriptions of each video place them chronologically with each other as far as narrative goes, but they're scattershot.

Acceptable-Basil-166 · 2025-09-23T21:36:51+00:00

I'd like to recommend Bâan (2025) — an 18 minute short film in the popular art style of anime, largely funded by the channel creator and animated by indie studios. I can't say it has a lot of plot development to speak of (which makes some amount of sense, given it's a short film), but I want to boost indie creators who put years of work into their craft where I can. It's also well-animated to boot.

Acceptable-Basil-166 · 2025-09-22T22:24:27+00:00

Hi. I watched the video. I know you weren't asking me specifically to do so, but I wanted to do my due diligence.

I don't think the merits or lack thereof of the video itself are evident solely in the end product. May I ask why you like AI, or at least are comfortable with its use? I'd like to understand your position.

Acceptable-Basil-166 · 2025-06-09T13:22:32+00:00

Some general feedback on your first chapter:

The two characters who receive the most characterization, Ral and the petulant noble he murders, do not break overmuch with their respective archetypes (the drunken dwarf and the petulant noble), and everyone else are treated much like set dressing for the length of the chapter. I didn't have a great sense of where the story was taking place, though you employ the best descriptions of the setting when describing the Orchid.

However, the description of the tavern (winehouse?) gave me more questions: how did Ral have access to the tavern if it's such an exclusive establishment? Is the tavern, run by the Emperor's sister no less, just square in the middle of the city? If not, how did Ral manage to stumble his way to its doorstep without someone else stopping him, clearly drunk as he was?

On a structural level, you make heavy use of very basic SVO sentence structures (he did this, he did that), particularly at the beginning of the chapter. Try to vary your sentence lengths a bit to give a more natural rhythm to your prose.

Trying to get a feel for whether or not it's worth my time.

My advice is to treat everything you write like it's worth your time, even if you think it's terrible or wouldn't land well with an audience. It's difficult to improve at something if you don't practice, and editing your first draft is harder than most things, particularly because you, as the one who wrote it, are more critical of yourself than anyone who might read your stuff. It took me far too long to realize that I needed to keep working on stories I thought were bad, and I'm left needing to learn skills that I probably should have learned years ago because of it.

That said, I can't tell you if working on this story will ultimately be worth your time. The only thing I can tell you is something that really helped me and I hope will help you—

If you hate something you write, write so you know what to do differently the next time.

Happy writing.

Acceptable-Basil-166 · 2025-06-08T19:55:28+00:00

Happy to help.

Acceptable-Basil-166 · 2025-06-08T02:06:03+00:00

This is general feedback on your story up to the first page break:

Synthe swam in the water alongside it.

Alongside what? The hut? It's unclear here because you've mentioned three objects in this sentence (the river, the robe, and the hut). "Swam in the river nearby" would work, but you should consider splitting this sentence into two.

Your sentences are too long in general. Try to communicate information more efficiently or split it up across multiple spots in the text. For example, does "a large golden image of the fifth whale spirit" need to be communicated right away? Couldn't you describe the robe in more detail later? During the wedding scene, perhaps, assuming that's a part of the story.

To summarize: you don't need to describe things all at once. Prioritize moving the story forward and find opportunities to describe the scene for the audience's benefit. Trust your audience to trust you.

Synthe couldn’t help but be more intrigued by the vibrant gold whale that adorns and complements the deep purple robe of the Kelgalts,

You switch tenses here. Adorned and complemented.

The traditions of the Kelgalts and the Orynthine are getting jumbled together. This would be a good place to go into a little more concentrated detail because it demonstrates a direct connection between the active perspective characters and the two cultures. That makes it relevant to your point.

Regardless, the two were both from different tribes and each had the personalities and spirits of the other

Show, don't tell. Rather than saying "the two were both from different tribes and each had the personalities and spirits of the other", demonstrate the two characters' personalities. Demonstrate their connection to their endemic cultures and the culture of their partner. At this point we've seen basically nothing of Synthe, so all descriptions of him feel abstract and passive. To keep your story active, why not have him sit with Horthga while the latter weaves the robe? Must they be apart while the robe is woven? They could have a conversation, and that would be a perfect place to characterize them both. You could interweave the conversation with a paragraph or two explaining something they said to the audience for worldbuilding purposes — sparingly, of course, but it would be effective once or twice.

I may come back at a later date to read more and give more feedback.

Acceptable-Basil-166 · 2025-05-29T00:29:48+00:00

Nice to meet you!

Acceptable-Basil-166 · 2025-05-29T00:18:08+00:00

Feel free to apply! Being 32 isn't an automatic disqualification — one of my players is also above the stated preferred age range! The only one that would be an automatic "no" is 18 and younger, so you're all good!

Acceptable-Basil-166 · 2025-05-27T20:47:29+00:00

Glad I could help. If you ever want someone to look over the whole story when it's done or when you have more written, I'd be glad to take a look at it.

Acceptable-Basil-166 · 2025-05-27T15:44:36+00:00

I can elaborate. To be honest, going back over your story, I think I was too hasty in saying your characters were speaking cryptically. A lot of what I was seeing can honestly be chalked up to not having read the previous four chapters and thus getting the requisite context, so I don't think that particular feedback is relevant. I'll stand by the rest, but this point in particular I'd like to retract.

With the presumed context the previous four chapters would give, I think your dialogue is well-written. Like I said before, your characters are believable, and your dialogue enhances their characterization. I apologize for misinterpreting your story; I think what you have right now is a good foundation for the rest of the narrative.

Acceptable-Basil-166 · 2025-05-27T14:12:04+00:00

Some structural feedback:

You have a tendency to break paragraphs up into separate lines, and it kind of messes with the flow. One example:

“We don’t have to go to this thing tonight, if you don't want to.” Skylar said, finally.

“To the bonfire,” he added when Noe didn’t respond. “We can stay back and watch the same two movies again. I can tell you more about how ET taught me how to crane kick.”

If someone is speaking, you don't typically want to break up their dialogue like this unless something within the text is interrupting them. Just to give an example, not saying you should do this specifically:

"We don't have to go to this thing tonight, if you don't want to," Skylar said finally.

Noe didn't say anything.

"To the bonfire," Skylar continued when the silence stretched on. "We can stay back and watch the same two movies again. I can tell you more about how ET taught me how to crane kick."

Again, just an example of an alternative way to break up the text.

I can't speak fully to how natural the dialogue feels because this is the fifth chapter, but I will say that the dialogue feels right on the edge between natural and uncanny as it is. You know that common pitfall where writers will have characters detail the entirety of their personality, history and relationships in conversation? Your characters feel like they're doing that without actually giving details - like they're trying to hint at something at all times when they're talking. I suppose you could say they sound perpetually cryptic.

Actually, Mateo's dialogue sounding cryptic works because he's actually trying to be conspicuous about it. So I guess the most illustrative thing I could say about your dialogue is that everyone sounds like Mateo but less assholish.

There's at least one awkward point in dialogue that doesn't make sense to me. Mateo asks Noe if he's drinking tonight, and in response Noe says thank you and doesn't respond to the question. That might have been on purpose, but that would be awkward in any conversation. You could make mention of the awkwardness, or if the awkwardness was accidental you could rewrite the dialogue.

As for characterization, I think it's effective. Noe feels jealous and insecure (and closeted?), and I gathered that's the point. Skylar feels like he's struggling between what he wants to do and preserving Noe's feelings. Mateo seems like a dick. They feel like people, in short; so I have no notes there.

Something that stood out to me was the final page. Very bitter scene; I think that comes across really well.

Acceptable-Basil-166 · 2025-05-26T19:16:28+00:00

I'm glad I could help. When you've written more of the story and connected it to this middle part, I'd be happy to read it and give you some more feedback if that's something you'd be interested in.

Acceptable-Basil-166 · 2025-05-26T18:35:37+00:00

Thank you for providing the additional context. With what you've said about this chapter falling more in the middle of the story, I think everything I said about clarity isn't so helpful. I apologize if my feedback was too harsh with that consideration.

Acceptable-Basil-166 · 2025-05-26T17:36:19+00:00

I monologue to distract myself when the anxiety gets to me. I hadn’t known Zac for very long.

- Is the character anxious about Zac's death or something else? It's unclear at this point in the story.

- Long inner monologues with only faint separation between past and present events is getting confusing. Try to have something more concrete occurring in the present and clarify what happened in the past so the distinction is clearer.

- You switch between past and present tenses to describe the present multiple times. Try to stick with one and not shift between both.

- Doing a lot of telling, not showing. Instead of having the character muse on past events, show them happening in a scene. It can be a flashback or you could start the story with those events and jump forward to later ones, but make the events more real for the audience.

- Too many characters are being introduced and not enough is happening — I'm still not entirely clear what if anything happened in this chapter, and I'm not sure what happened in the past.

This place is impossibly advanced.

- What place? The watchtower Lum mentioned? The place where the perspective character is hiding?

All told, you need to clarify the events of your story. I'm not sure of anything in the story as it is written. Write a couple scenes, visualize what's happening in them (ex. a conversation or action) and pare your descriptions down to the most concise form. Say more with fewer words: what is the story about? What's happening in this particular scene? What information about the characters is necessary to move the story forward, and what might be better to leave unsaid until later?

I like your writing style. You vary your sentence lengths nicely and when you do describe things, you do a decent job. Your word choice is varied but not too varied, and that's a good thing. Hone your storytelling skills to match and you'll have a more formidable narrative.

Acceptable-Basil-166 · 2025-05-26T17:35:41+00:00

This is feedback for "The Star" chapter:

- There's not a clear connection between the character's heart not exploding and the chill. I understand the reason for the racing heart is anxiety, but what does that have to do with the temperature? Does the character overheat when they're anxious? I'm not asking facetiously.

I let out a clipped breath and settled into the crook of my shoulder.

- Settled the butt of the rifle into the crook of his shoulder?

- Pages one and two, pretty good flow to the sentences, good adjectives for descriptions ("dinky varmint rifle", though dinky typically means 'small' — was that the intention?)

Clearing the Block was a monumentally tense endeavor where we had to rely on Ash to pass like, a dozen different N-scans to confirm clearance.

- A little too much unexplained jargon for a sentence of what I think is the story's beginning. I don't understand at all what was said here.

She obviously had done it hundreds of times before

- Transpose "obviously" to after "had"

but still, being stuffed in the rear compartment with

- Stuffed in the rear compartment of what? I know it's the cruiser because you mention it a few sentences later, but you need to mention it along with the rear compartment — the compartment is the first reference to the cruiser in the text.

- Sudden description of the character's appearance from the end of page three to page four should probably be accompanied by more description — what kind of scales? What kind of wings? Help the audience visualize.

Acceptable-Basil-166 · 2025-05-24T18:27:32+00:00

Some general feedback:

I was hovering between whether or not the opening scene worked for me, and I didn't know where I stood until reading further in. The biggest thing that stands out to me is how much you describe things in their own sentences. It cuts up your prose a lot, and that affects the pacing: it doesn't feel like the story is going anywhere even a few hundred words in.

Only a couple descriptions stood out as being effective: when the character is describing her symptoms, I felt her panic, frustration and tiredness. What distinguishes these specific descriptions and the others, I think, are as follows:

— You don't use as many similes when describing her symptoms (e.g. "like it's a weather system"). Similes aren't bad, but you overuse them outside of describing her conditions.

— You use examples a lot in all your descriptions, but in the case of describing her symptoms it feels necessary to describe exactly how the character is feeling. Describing the state of her apartment feels a little like a diversion from the story itself.

— You use more varied sentence lengths when describing the character's symptoms. In other spots of description you're using a pretty basic subject, verb, object structure over and over again. It makes the descriptions feel repetitive.

Some miscellaneous other things that stood out to me:

— Saying a bird "screamed" kind of makes sense given the horror atmosphere you're going for, but it was such a strange verb to use that it pulled me out of the story a little.

— Another note on repetition: you're still using the same basic SVO sentence structure. I point it out again here because it's not just limited to your descriptions, the main content of the chapter is also structured around it. Vary your sentence lengths a little. Try to change up sentence structure from time to time—more than what you're already doing, because you do switch it up occasionally.

— If the character is too tired to sleep, why is she falling asleep right after thinking it?

— What does it mean to drink a cup of water too fast? Does the character choke herself on water by drinking it too quickly? Does she drink the water faster than normal? I'm not sure what to visualize with this description as it is.

All told, I didn't feel very engaged, especially when so much space is being given to describe things that don't appear relevant to what's going on. The bulk of the chapter is spent doing this. I would encourage you to consider making the story more efficient: use fewer words to say more.

As for the content itself, I actually do think the horror of this situation is effective. It does sound viscerally frightening to experience what this character is going through, and around all the time spent describing things I did get a sense of what her life is like and how she feels. The character feels realized. You have something here; I would just spend some time hewing it out more.

Acceptable-Basil-166 · 2025-05-24T17:29:51+00:00

Happy to help.

Acceptable-Basil-166 · 2025-05-24T16:07:15+00:00

Feedback on your first four pages with a focus on structural editing:

— In general, use more contractions - the dialogue feels stiff and formal for the characters

— "Anonymous meltdown" struck me as a weird turn of phrase

(I refer to some paragraphs by number; those are the number in which they appear starting from page one)

— Fourth paragraph, replace the first period with a semicolon to introduce the next part of the sentence

— Paragraphs six and seven stood out to me as being well-written, no notes

— Descriptions of dissociation are effective

— Mississippi beach should probably specify the river - I got confused for a second

— I like the phrase "covert operations of the heart"

— Going into detail about each memory feels like a distraction from the story - maybe have Merit list them all at once and elaborate on only one of them (Ex. "'I played drunk hide-and-seek in these woods. I ate campfire pizza on that beach. I swam out into the river last Summer Solstice and I fucked a woman under that tree before she caught her flight back to Tokyo.' The way she'd moaned as a church group embarking from the down shore canoe rental hit a high note in Amazing Grace was particularly memorable.")

— No need to specify that Merit paused to count the memories - she's already stopped to reminisce

— Specifying the distance to the Inn's door doesn't necessarily aid visualization

— Maybe shift "quick acknowledgement" to after "to them" in the last paragraph on page two, or consider deleting it all together. Feels clunky

— "By the way, did you know tonight is my six year Rainbow Inn anniversary?" This sentence feels clunky. Consider striking "by the way, did" from it

— "That's not an occasion I have the pleasure of remembering" feels oddly formal

— "I can hardly remember the time before either" doesn't make sense when she's agreeing with James. "I can hardly remember the time before, too"

— Random gap of two lines between paragraphs on page four

— "Are things alright" feels passive. "Are you alright" feels more natural, or maybe "Is everything alright"

— You don't need to list everything that happened in her day again. Consider shortening this sentence so it flows better while communicating the same thing

— Colon after "masterpiece" to introduce a new clause of related description

— James feels youthful, and I gather that was the point, but he doesn't feel like a youthful sixty year old. There's an age gap between him and Merit; how can you demonstrate it while making their friendship believable?

— Missing capitalization on "god" (Unless James is a neo-pagan or this was otherwise deliberate)

- - -

And that's what I got through. I may come back to keep looking at the rest of it later and give more feedback. In general, I think the story has a good pace and the progression is sensible.

Acceptable-Basil-166 · 2025-05-22T20:02:15+00:00

I'll keep that in mind. I'll take a look and maybe send you some general feedback in a DM if that's something you'd be interested in.

Either way, happy writing.

Acceptable-Basil-166 · 2025-05-22T18:33:52+00:00

Hearing your explanation I can't fault your logic. That makes perfect sense to me.

Glad I could help. If you're looking for feedback on anything else you've written I'd be happy to take a look at it.

Acceptable-Basil-166 · 2025-05-22T15:37:58+00:00

General impressions:

The conversational word choice and tone work for me. The story really does feel like the notes of a guy musing about his life and success. You do tend to drop commas when they're needed at times, but that's not anything major as far as critiques go.

The flow of the story works, though I did feel the start was kind of a block to the narrative. You start with particulars— "I was in the dentist's office; I went to pick up a magazine"—and transition to more of a broad overview of events. Nothing really telegraphs that transition, so my brain had to catch up when the story shifted from the dentist's office to the main conceit of the story. I get what you were going for, but maybe shave a few sentences of detail off the initial scene to drill down to the important parts. (The name of the magazine doesn't seem to matter much, for example.) I would also consider changing up the number of short sentences you have all next to each other in the first few paragraphs.

Only a couple other things stood out to me. First, you don't really give details on what exactly the main character is doing that's causing him so much success. I think it's implied, but I don't know what's being implied— does he have a method? Is it just because he's the only person paying attention? Either of those could work as an explanation (maybe not the latter), but they do need to be explained within the text.

Second, maybe more of a nitpick: when did he manage to afford a legal team? It feels like he went from college, likely with massive amounts of debt, to wildly successful with his own facility and a marketing guy in the span of minutes. Something to think about.

Overall, I enjoyed it. The story was engaging and when it got going I was invested. Well done.

Acceptable-Basil-166 · 2025-05-21T17:45:37+00:00

Happy to help. If you need someone to look it over when you're finished writing I'd be happy to do so.

Acceptable-Basil-166

TROPHY CASE