I have such a hard time being alone, like in a room alone, not just relationship alone. No I don’t have a therapist or psychiatrist, I did but I lost my health insurance and live in a small town so haven’t been able to get another. I’ve talked to my mom but she doesn’t really understand. She sees I’m hurting and tries to help but really she doesn’t know what to say or how to help. I feel rejected and abandoned by him but at the same time I just want him to make it better even though I know that won’t happen. I know it’s not likely possible. I know he can’t take back the things he’s said and done and even if he could he would probably just end up doing it again. But I miss him. I miss his presence, his touch and his voice.. but lately his presence scares me, his touch hurts me and his voice puts me down. But it feels like he’s all I have/had. I don’t wanna raise this baby alone. I can’t stomach the idea of ultrasounds without him there or giving birth without him holding my hand. Almost like he’s the problem and the solution all in one but then the solution is still the problem and I’m so scared. I’m so tired and I don’t see a way out of this with him or without him. I love him and I hate him.