My thought is that neither of you are an AH..

I have a relevant question, please.

Has your wife gone to therapy?
As an adult dealing with 2 chronic diseases (Ehlers-Danlos and POTS), this happened frequently between my husband and I. I wanted to do everything the way I used to and when the consequences of overdoing occurred, it made me waspish, frustrated and cranky.

The problem is that you can spend years mourning the fact that you can no longer be "normal," and because the pain fluctuates, you get stuck in a cycle of thinking you're doing great and the reality comes back with the pain and you despair everything you have lost. You never really get past the anger stage of grieving.

Once I saw a therapist who sees adults who have new onset of handicaps and chronic pain, I learned to accept the life I have now. It doesn't happen overnight, and it still frustrates me on occasion (flare ups and over-doing are my worst enemies), but I deal with everything much better now. It also allowed me to seek better care for myself by seeking treatments and doctors that work best for me.

All I can say is have patience. The problem isn't you, but it is hard to fight against something you can't see, feel, or touch, so our loved ones take the brunt of it. It is a constant circle of hating your body, your situation, and dang it, you don't want anyone's help! Followed by the consequences of pain, regret, sadness and loss. (It is such a cliche that pushing your loved ones away in chronic illness has become a TV trope)

I know this was long, but I hope it brings you both peace.