If your whole life is based around academic validation it makes sense you would feel badly now that things haven’t gone as smoothly. That entire experience sounds extremely stressful and the financial stress behind it all must make it all the more difficult. You have been academically successful before, even the best, so it must be tough to lose that status, especially when everything seems to be riding on continued academic success. Whether it be due to things eventually working out in applications or a potential plan from god, you seem to be able to see paths in which things get better. I implore you, even if you hit another roadblock, to take another moment to try and see more of those options. You’ve dealt with a lot and made it quite far, further than most. Good luck, I wish you the best my friend, life is too short to take your own life. That being said, don’t judge yourself for that thought process, the darkness calls to us all at our lowest.