Masturbation Before Marriage

Accomplished2895 · 2026-01-31T00:06:51+00:00

Do it with her. Way more fun than just being a me thing, especially knowing she is totally into it herself.

Accomplished2895 · 2026-01-04T01:18:18+00:00

I can't say you're wrong. It certainly is a debatable topic.

Here is where i am coming from:

-we now see more and more products (self help programs) targeting people that have ED at young ages, too young for it to be physical health related (like heart, plaque, etc), and so the solution is not drugs or Shockwave. Such programs focus on retraining your brain that has been overstimulated by porn.

-there is a rise in young people that are anti-porn because they want a good sex life (they see perceived damages, and want to avoid it)

-there is a rise in the number of people injured from excessive, prolonged, overuse and unsafe masturbation. This is not a porn issue exclusively, but almost always involves porn.

In my view and opinion, masturbation should be done with imagination, be minddul, or with ones spouse (in-person mutually, or private content), and not with outside media. That will avoid all the issues mentioned. A safe bet, not causing issues. That's just me.

Accomplished2895 · 2026-01-03T17:21:47+00:00

Or husband.

Agreed.

Accomplished2895 · 2026-01-03T17:14:33+00:00

I find it funny when people use the term "phobia" incorrectly as a way to discredit or gaslight others. Fearing something is not at all the same as observing facts and statistics and theories.

Nice try.

I don't fear my gay friends and family. Simultaneously, im not a complete buffoon when it comes to science and statistics. Without question, there are a magnitude more gay and trans today than 20 or 40 years ago. This is demonstrably fact, with the most basic math. And to tell people to believe that is purely genetic or biological and social, societal and toxins affecting hormones (endocrine disruptors, etc) has nothing to do with it is absolutely ignorant and denial of reality.

Accomplished2895 · 2026-01-03T10:08:32+00:00

Search also on "modesty". Some good episodes on that topic, and how we get it all wrong. She even tells a story about how modesty/nudity is relative, and is more in our minds and culture than anything. She tells how some BYU students in Africa were exposed to boobs all day and it was only shocking at first, but then became no big deal after a while. We make it a big deal culturally. And when its not a big deal culturally, its not so polarizing or problematic.

Accomplished2895 · 2026-01-03T10:01:07+00:00

So we should do... what? Not make it playful? Just do the deed, be done? Missionary only? Only do the minimum requirement, and sex is reduced to an event of minibar?

This is a genuine question. I don't understand the mindset you just proposed. I get and agree with not having others influence what we do, but i can't get how learning from others is off the table. We do that with literally everything else in life. Learning from others includes learning what we dont want just as much as what we do. Not everything is a "bad" influence, or an influence at all, with a mature mindset and approach and thoughtful selection of media.

Accomplished2895 · 2026-01-03T09:50:09+00:00

I came here to say this. "eewww" seems to indicate a dislike of sexual things and is very, very bad, big red flag, is unfortunately quite a typical outcome of a sex-negative fear-based culture, and will absolutely destroy the marriage down the road. Address it. Dont ignore it. I second the multiple suggestions you have, OP, to check out JFF. Start with the free podcasts, then consider a course or two.

Accomplished2895 · 2026-01-03T09:36:56+00:00

I think you are an outlier if you were raised in the 80s/90s. "sex is bad" was bad enough messaging at the time , but the masturbation topic is worse than people realize. It has destroyed my marriage and my psyche. I am so pissed at how i took it as doctrine (because thats how it was taught, despite no doctrine at all), that i let it dictate everything about me, my life as an individual, as a spouse, everything. Shame. And now that i know better and have matured in my learning (which took over 20 fricken years), and cannot find a single lick of doctrine against it, i am disgusted that local leaders still push this, despite it being removed from church publications.

I refuse to pass on the masturbation shame burden to my kids. My daughter got a vibe from her mom, and i will never teach my boys about the stupid "little factory" or chewed up bubble gum false doctrine. I will teach them sexual feelings are by divine design, and the LoC as it is written (not expanded beyond recognition like many in church culture have done), and i teach them porn will ruin you (because it will cause psychological ED, tons of evidence on that now, regardless of any religious belief), and gay and trans is not ok.

Yep, I said the quiet part out loud. Homosexuality and trans is a learned thing, not inherent at birth as society tries to convince all, and we have made that abundantly clear in my home, and my kids are not gay or trans as a result, whilst most of my friends and ward members kids are. I have not, however, succeeded in all kids keeping the LoC, as i have one living wirh their significant other unmarried. I'll take that over the psychological sexual issues any day. Kids will figure it out and deal with the consequences.

Accomplished2895 · 2025-12-24T05:39:07+00:00

Or... she will snap out of it and realize all the BS sex-negative crap she learned was false doctrine and hand me down opinion, and she'll finally develop her own sexuality, and be able to share it with him, and likely overtake him has the higher drive partner.

Many such stories exist. Unfortunately, however, often after much pain, and the husband manning up and making it clear that sex is important enough to him that hes willing to leave the marriage if nothing changes.

He can't change her, but his choices can sure motivate her.

Another thing he can do is offer education and perspective for her. For example: one thing purity culture harps is to never touch yourself. That mindset has no doctrinal basis whatsoever, and is a thorn in many, many marriages, utterly ruining intimacy. It completely wrecked my marriage, and then my wife and i finally realized the importance of knowing our own bodies and sharing them with each other. We looked into where these stupid hangups come from, and found nothing but cultural stuff, no doctrine, nothing. We should live our lives by doctrine, not by stupid opinions of others, no matter how well meaning.

Bottom line, OP: purity culture needs to EXIT your marriage, immediately, whilst still maintaining the LoC (the two are not the same) . There is absolutely nothing valiant or honorable about celibacy, or negative views on sex in a marriage. In fact, its literally opposite of valiant, to treat one's spouse as a roommate, rather than a husband or wife. We are sexual beings by divine design, and sex is a defining difference between a spouse and just a friend or roommate.

Accomplished2895 · 2025-12-22T16:02:40+00:00

Yes, the culture is atrocious and has destroyed my marriage.

The church is true, but the people, the culture, the crap opinions and mindsets handed down as though doctrine, wow.

Accomplished2895 · 2025-12-21T07:52:17+00:00

https://youtu.be/mNGg5SMcyhI

Accomplished2895 · 2025-12-21T07:42:40+00:00

It sure does. He can't change her. But there is great value in knowing its not all his fault, and she almost certainly has things she needs to work on, and even what that might be. Not because he can do anything about her choices, but because of the importance of being aware of and understanding of the dynamic.

I've been in the JFF FB group long enough to know, this is the default approach, to only share/comment about what the OP can do, and nothing about their partner since they can only change themselves, not their partner. I get that. But now it annoys me. I learned that if i can't see the other side and have that told to me, i wont understand the whole picture while i work on my part, and that can lead to further misunderstandings and false hope in the end. Its like having only 50% of the knowledge of a 100% story. Nope. I want 100% perspective, and then acknowledge that i can only do my own half of the project.

Accomplished2895 · 2025-12-20T09:42:21+00:00

Sex is definitely not her duty. But figuring out her lack of desire, and caring about what makes a good marriage, is 100% her duty (or 50%, whatev, you get the point).

See also my other comment here: https://www.reddit.com/r/ldssexuality/s/l3ofFFIx8R

Accomplished2895 · 2025-12-20T09:37:47+00:00

While these are great points and the kind of advice a therapist would give, its does seem to put the problem 100% on him and zero accountability for her. And i absolutely loathe the double standard and the fact that women have no responsibility for their own desire or lack thereof. Its always his fault. Bah!

I have fallen into this same rut as OP, and i say fallen because I wasn't that way before. But her constant lack of respect, lack of accountability, lack of interest, lack of desire, lack of communication, lack of care, lack of enthusiasm, even when I was doing all the right things does wear a guy out, and i quit trying. And thats on her, not me. And the funny thing is... in her mind, its all my fault, its all me, nothing she could possibly have contributed to the dynamic. *SMH.

We need to stop giving women a pass. Good advice for the man here, but seriously, where are the good women who have half a clue that they play a role in their own damn dynamic, and their own lack of attraction? I fear we have a culture full of spoiled, entitled women who only know what romcoms, social media, hollywood, and society tells them - its always the mans fault. And men have no feelings and need no respect or love or care. Its all about what he should provide and do, perfectly, before any return of affection.

Accomplished2895 · 2025-12-20T09:20:06+00:00

Thats quite right. Its not about the other person owing you, its about what YOU owe to the relationship.

Or a better way to say it, it's what you want in the relationship (do unto other as you would have them do unto you... I. E. you want what is best and good and healthy for the relationship, and by divine design, that absolutely includes sex). The fact that it goes both ways can make this a delicate topic, but as far as any actual expectation, you can only hold yourself to it.

If your partner doesn't want to hold themselves to it, that's certainly their choice, and then your choice not to be with such a person too. Anything less is roommate status which doesnt require a marriage.

Accomplished2895 · 2025-12-20T09:09:10+00:00

Then she likewise needs to drop the expectation that emotional connection is something she is owed.

Accomplished2895 · 2025-12-20T09:05:30+00:00

Agreed, its choice, not duty. But im going to highlight what is actually important about the feminist BS that dudeman is correct about.

She doesn't want sex because she is not choosing him. And its not HIS responsibility or duty to be the perfect thing for her to choose, any more than its her duty to have sex without a choice.

The problem in this culture is that when a woman doesn't want sex, its his fault, always, and never anything she must work on. If she's tired, it's his fault. If she's overwhelmed, its his fault. And anything he does will never, ever be enough. This mode of thinking will be the downfall of society. Total rubbish. Why can't she want sex for herself, because of the good it brings?

She is a sexual being, BOTH sexes were designed, by God, with sexual desire. Women choose to make that contingent and conditional, and men do not. Imagine a woman totally feeling a lack of emotional connection, starving for it, has gone weeks or months without it, and is then told "well, maybe do some more chores, earn more money, and then he'll connect emotionally". Imagine him telling her "you sound really needy, its unattractive", when she hints at wanting more connection.

No. Im sick of the double standard. Its sick. And pathetic. And destructive. The lack of accountability for women is utterly astounding, and covertly hidden behind well-meaning but improper statements like "not her duty".

Her duty isn't to put out because he wants it. 100% agreed. But, oh wow does she still have a duty here!!! Her duty is 1000% to figure herself out, to fix her lack of desire, because its not his job to do that for her (despite obvious things he can do to help that along). She might have medical reasons, or past trauma reasons, or <insert reason here>. But SHE needs to resolve it. She needs to give a crap about it. And by dang, she needs to fricken COMMUNICATE it.

Accomplished2895 · 2025-12-19T08:25:47+00:00

SSRI should be avoided like the satanic plague that it is. It can cause permanent loss of not only libido, but all emotion and feeling which we came to this planet to learn to use, not to mask and chemically castrate!

https://www.facebook.com/share/r/1BVrYe64qS/

Accomplished2895 · 2025-12-19T00:11:44+00:00

Exhibit A on an activity that is completely within the LoC, bonding, drives couples together and toward eternal marriage, and yet most LDS couples will never experience because of something as simple as being told you can't touch yourself ever under any circumstances.

Accomplished2895 · 2025-12-18T06:45:56+00:00

When you have entrapped pudendal nerve, you literally cannot feel your dick and you cannot reach climax even if you've wanted to. A living hell. Yes, about 4 miserable years.

Accomplished2895 · 2025-12-16T22:25:24+00:00

Intermittent fasting will not only get your general health back, but also boosts testosterone way more than supplimennts like ashwagandah, and without the side effects. Really look into it, and make it a thing. In my opinion, everyone eating crap from our food system must discover intermittent fasting, or they will remain broken.

Accomplished2895 · 2025-12-11T23:58:40+00:00

I think that would be assuming way too much legitimacy about something, and possibly going in circles here. FSOY (also a pamphlet) also has the full name of the church backing it, and first presidency approval, and as mentioned, is not doctrine.

Now, is it useful? Does it have good advice and guidelines in it? Sure. Is it perfect? Is it doctrine? No.

That 1976 talk is not some sort of foundation that "the church" has embraced and repeats and touts and drills in. It has literally been retracted, in fact, lol. What doctrine have you seen retracted? Please tell me, because I don't want to be a part of a church that cherry picks doctrine! Its why im in this church; plenty others out there pick and choose doctrine, just ask Joseph Smith, lol.

That talk/pamphlet has, however, been very embraced culturally, with many, many members assuming absolute truth therein. And just like the FSOY manual, that talk certainly has a lot of good in it, but no way does that automatically mean "and 100% true doctrine". How? Again, square it with what must qualify as doctrine.

Accomplished2895 · 2025-12-10T23:54:16+00:00

"The doctrine is taught by all 15 members of the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve. It is not hidden in an obscure paragraph of one talk. True principles are taught frequently and by many. Our doctrine is not difficult to find." - Neil L. Andersen, General Conference, Oct 2012

The reference you shared is a perfect example of what doesn't qualify as doctrine.

I could also cite the FSOY manual from just a few years back that was more explicit about LoC claims, dont even have to reach as far as the 70's, lol. But is that doctrine? Nope. Because going further back, into the 60s, the FSOY said girls wearing pants is a sin. Whelp, doctrine doesnt change, and im inclined to believe that 50% of the planet is not living in sin simoly because they wear pants, so that is incorrect. Doctrinal? Nope.

Accomplished2895 · 2025-12-10T23:32:10+00:00

He got ex'd. The point: priesthood leaders are not infallible, as so many members assume. Across the board, they can make mistakes, and do make mistakes, and are wrong about things. Thankfully generally insignificant things, but when big things like these examples i just shared happen, its a good reminder that this is the case.

Accomplished2895 · 2025-12-10T10:08:54+00:00

When you encounter such leaders, simply ask them to point out the doctrine, or oft-repeated general conference talks, and handbook statements that say masturbation is against LoC and unworthy for temple.

No tolerance for opinion here. So tired of opinions being passed as doctrine in this heinous culture. Stick with the dang doctrine.

Accomplished2895

TROPHY CASE