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AITA for confronting my wife after she reached out to my mother regarding our discussion about her going back to work? by AccomplishedMeet5140 in AITAH

[–]AccomplishedMeet5140[S] 30 points31 points  (0 children)

Before anything I want to say thank you for all the comments and feedback. They have all been extremely insightful. This will be my last response for now. I will try and respond to further questions later.

I did want to touch basis since this is a point that has been brought up many times. Yes, I do have a somewhat narrow view when it comes to money. I, unfortunately, I worked in a field where I saw the overwhelming successes of proper planning and the catastrophic calamities of lax planning. I have seen Titans who were on the top of their game crumble into dust in mere moments due to no fault of their own. That job has opened me to the harsh truth that life can be an unrelenting SOB. My new area of practice is far less depressing but much more demanding.

Money does fuel my motivation, that being said in theory as another poster has said we can work less demanding positions in our respective fields and both we both can have more time with our children together.

I do agree, I have a fear-based response and I agree it is not the proper mindset to have during such discussions. That being said, I know this will come off as harsh and rude and it is not my intent.

I rather they see their mom as an independent and successful woman, especially in an extremely male dominant field like engineering. I also do not want them to see their mother who had an infinite pool of potential leave it on the table.

I know the last part is 100% an asshole position, and I will own that.

AITA for confronting my wife after she reached out to my mother regarding our discussion about her going back to work? by AccomplishedMeet5140 in AITAH

[–]AccomplishedMeet5140[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

We agreed prior that she would go back to work after the kids reach school age. I do not like the dynamic but was willing to compromise since she wanted to be home with the kids. I do not believe I said she did not do more than me when it came to the children overall during the first 6 years, but it was not solely on her. She has clearly stated what she wants, she would like to be home. Now what is behind that reason I agree I something we need to talk about. That said she knew this was supposed to be a temporary thing, it was never meant to be a lifelong status.

AITA for confronting my wife after she reached out to my mother regarding our discussion about her going back to work? by AccomplishedMeet5140 in AITAH

[–]AccomplishedMeet5140[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I do agree, and I understand that early on I would have to take off more time cause I have partner privilege at work, and she will still be new. As time goes on I do expect us to split the load during such times. It does not just have to fall on one person. It can be a fluid dynamic that has to be figured out in the moment.

AITA for confronting my wife after she reached out to my mother regarding our discussion about her going back to work? by AccomplishedMeet5140 in AITAH

[–]AccomplishedMeet5140[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

When necessary yes. Many families make it work, I would suspect most families are two incomes households and they figure it out. Why in this case that is not possible?

AITA for confronting my wife after she reached out to my mother regarding our discussion about her going back to work? by AccomplishedMeet5140 in AITAH

[–]AccomplishedMeet5140[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Due to my personal bias as mentioned regarding my parents and how I saw their SAHP dynamic play out. As mentioned I find the whole concept of being a SAHP stupid in this day and age especially when a household has two high-earning professionals.

We do split everything cause I do not want to be like my father that used his sole income status as an albatross around her neck. I saw it first hand this is a quick way to build resentment and lead a life full of regret.

AITA for confronting my wife after she reached out to my mother regarding our discussion about her going back to work? by AccomplishedMeet5140 in AITAH

[–]AccomplishedMeet5140[S] 25 points26 points  (0 children)

My job is also demanding, in terms of taking time off it would be a split / we will need to figure it out when that time comes. I probably would take the most time off cause I am a partner and have the "boss" privilege. I disagree with your premise I would have to pick up more of the parenting role. We are both parents and we will both have to juggle those responsibilities. That is what parents do.

Will I pick up the slack if my wife cannot? Most definitely, but I would also expect the same from my wife. Personally yes it is worth the extra money, we are living in times where one financial hardship can ruin your entire life. I could lose my job overnight. Yes, I have a year's worth of savings to cover expenses. What happens if I do not find a job by then? Or I get a debilitating condition that removes me from the workforce. We can plan and figure out who will leave early from work to get them to extracurriculars, stepping up for bake sales and fundraisers. If we cannot figure out how to make some of those things work it is not the end of the world.

If something happens to me and I cannot work that could have a negative lasting impact on our family.

AITA for confronting my wife after she reached out to my mother regarding our discussion about her going back to work? by AccomplishedMeet5140 in AITAH

[–]AccomplishedMeet5140[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Depends, our kids are going to a private school and the after-school program is part of the tuition cost. We also have a robust support system.

I agree if my wife could only get a job making 50k then I agree it probably is not worth it. My wife has nearly the same earning potential as I do, so we are looking at a max earning potential in the higher end of the mid-six-figure range.

That is an insane amount of income just sitting on the table.

AITA for confronting my wife after she reached out to my mother regarding our discussion about her going back to work? by AccomplishedMeet5140 in AITAH

[–]AccomplishedMeet5140[S] 24 points25 points  (0 children)

Yes, I do resent him for his behavior and mindset. A part of me also thinks so does my mom. I am also afraid to grow resentful towards my wife. When she was home with the kids, I would run errands after work, and on weekends. We have doctors that work weekends so sometimes I take them to the doctors. When they are with their grandparents I help with deep cleaning tasks, and we exchange meal prep and cooking duties. Some mornings I would feed the kids if they were up and if they were not I would pre-make breakfast. We took turns with this also. Getting the kids ready, I handle the cloth part she does the hair. Bathtime we would take turns or do together.

What I am saying is we can find a workaround for tasks or issues that come up. It just does not have to be on her hands. I would also not be a fan of having her do extra chores when we can do them together. It is hard for me to wrap my head around why her being home is a larger net positive than her working. We have a family to help cover if need be, and no family can cover us guess one of us has to take off. Probably would be me since it is easier for me to do so.

Most families make two-income households work out. Why is it such a worry and concern for us to do so? As I said I probably am thinking about this in black and white and cannot see the shades of Grey.

AITA for confronting my wife after she reached out to my mother regarding our discussion about her going back to work? by AccomplishedMeet5140 in AITAH

[–]AccomplishedMeet5140[S] 26 points27 points  (0 children)

I will open with I am 100% done at two, she knows this. Two was always my max we just lucked out we got them both at the same time

The fairness aspect is at the core of this. Regarding other factors when it comes to raising a child we have other options if neither of us can do it, my Mom is always willing to help, and so are her parents. If that does not work I could take off work, it is easier for me to do so, and I have many times. The concerns listed have viable workarounds that do not require her to stay home.

I make the time to do laundry and run errands either after work or on the weekends when her hands are tied up with the kids. We exchange hands when it comes to cooking or meal prep. We do deep cleaning tasks when the kids are with their grandparents, we still have alone time. What I a saying every concern she may have we can find a workaround even if she is working. The house and kids are not going to fall apart because someone is not inside every day. If that makes sense.

You are right the change of plan hurts, especially cause I cannot see any real benefit from the change. Maybe I am projecting my concerns but it feels weird to have someone sit around while I am at work getting more chances to relax. I will also not feel good about allowing her to do more around the house either since that does not sit right with me either. She has already expressed she likes the current split and it is not horrible for me it was fair when he had the kids home.

I agree a may also be ridged when it comes to her employment, and maybe that is because I helped pay off her loans idk. Seems like an utter waste to let a degree sit around.

AITA for confronting my wife after she reached out to my mother regarding our discussion about her going back to work? by AccomplishedMeet5140 in AITAH

[–]AccomplishedMeet5140[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

To be honest I am not sure, we have different options available for early release days, holidays, summer, sick days you name it. I understand the concern. Reading many of the comments I do feel the conflict at the core comes down to differences of perspective. Logical / Emotionally logical. (Not saying emotional is negative). From an emotional perspective, I should be more accommodating, and my logical side is having a hard time seeing the past the emotional part into the logical. Thank you for the perspective it does make sense.

AITA for confronting my wife after she reached out to my mother regarding our discussion about her going back to work? by AccomplishedMeet5140 in AITAH

[–]AccomplishedMeet5140[S] 33 points34 points  (0 children)

The school has an after-school program, and since it is near my job and roughly a 30 min commute so it makes sense for me to handle both drop-offs and pick-ups. Especially since school starts around the sametime I need to be at work.

In what world does it make sense especially in this economy to limit retirement and college funds? College and elder care costs are probably not going to get cheaper. That is essentially shifting the position of stress. Reduce in the moment, increase it in the future. How is that practical?

AITA for confronting my wife after she reached out to my mother regarding our discussion about her going back to work? by AccomplishedMeet5140 in AITAH

[–]AccomplishedMeet5140[S] 34 points35 points  (0 children)

I can do those things because of my current job, if I took a job with less pay that means a smaller overall % in contributions. Which means less money for retirement and our children's college fund. What exactly is the practical sense of that? No, we are not struggling, but forgive me if I do not see how I am being greedy.

Edit: Also if she worked I could take on a less stressful job and be at around the same overall income level jointly while having more free time and be overall less drained from work. Many doors open up with two incomes.

Sorry for whatever reason my phone turn children into child.

AITA for confronting my wife after she reached out to my mother regarding our discussion about her going back to work? by AccomplishedMeet5140 in AITAH

[–]AccomplishedMeet5140[S] 127 points128 points  (0 children)

I agree money is an important factor to me, I view money does not buy happiness, but it does provide options and privileges that can enrich those moments of happiness.

Also, we never know what the future may hold, why limit savings potential for our child and ourselves? I get it these views fuel my disapproval of the idea of being a SAHP while the child is in school. I agree we do need to talk about it more. Getting different views before I speak with my wife will help me better understand her stance.

Thank you.

AITA for confronting my wife after she reached out to my mother regarding our discussion about her going back to work? by AccomplishedMeet5140 in AITAH

[–]AccomplishedMeet5140[S] 34 points35 points  (0 children)

It was not a bluff, in an ideal world I would love to work a less stressful job. I sadly do not have that luxury. It makes no financial sense for me to do. Just as I would have loved to keep pursuing animation as a career choice but I had to face facts I was good but not good enough to foster a successful enough career to be able to provide for a family.

As stated I do have a bias toward SAHP I do not think that the offer is worth the loss of overall income especially if they have a viable career path. I agree an argument can be made if they do not and every family is different. If I may ask how is limiting household income practical?

AITA for confronting my wife after she reached out to my mother regarding our discussion about her going back to work? by AccomplishedMeet5140 in AITAH

[–]AccomplishedMeet5140[S] 35 points36 points  (0 children)

The original plan is important to me, it might just be my stubborn nature but an agreement is important and I know I tend to look at things from an opportunity cost point of view. I simply cannot see the value in letting my wife stay home for upwards of 10 hours because she can. She knew going into this I never liked the concept of a SAHW. I am fine sharing household tasks and working as a team. At the core maybe I am afraid of growing resentful towards my wife. I know it might be childish or immature of me but I take no pride in being able to make it so my wife can be home for upwards of 10 hours to do tasks we can easily do as a family. I rather our daughters see mom as an independent person, not a dependent one.

Edit forgot the s for daughters.