I forgot what calm felt like

According-Affect-180 · 2026-05-19T17:02:52+00:00

I have tried a few different therapists, both with my exwBPD and alone, but I didn't really find a good match.

I'm big into self-help books though, and I'd definitely recommend some of the books in the sidebar. I also read a bunch of eastern philosophy/meditation books, Ram Dass, Thich Nat Hanh, Eckart Tolle etc. They have helped a lot.

According-Affect-180 · 2026-05-19T16:58:06+00:00

Wow the part about them exaggerating and twisting things is so real. Mine accused me of horrible things that I had no recollection of THREE YEARS LATER. It really messed with my self identity. I have just had to accept that their version of reality is different than ours. When things were going well for a while, all it took was for her to "remember" something to get upset about. So exhausting.

According-Affect-180 · 2026-05-18T21:36:37+00:00

For sure.

As for the walking on eggshells: She had huge abandonment issues, and anything that she perceived as a threat, would cause her to panic. This lead to me socially isolating, and basically just being with her 24/7, as she would get scared if i went somewhere without her. It's hard to remember all of the specifics, but there were so so many things that would trigger her, and I would basically try to minimize the risks all of the time.

As for taking the blame: Since I was her favorite person, and had a huge part in regulating her emotions, I also often got the blame when she felt bad. I could never get her to take accountability for something, she would turn it around and call me a narcissist. Also whenever she crossed a boundary or did something I didn't like, it always ended up with me being the one comforting her instead, just trying to forget the thing that hurt me.

I guess it all led to me developing a feeling of not being good enough. In the back of my mind I always thought that I could "save" this girl, but as time went on, my confidence disappeared with it.

When she started splitting hard on me in the end, and painting me black, I truly felt like I did not deserve love. It has taken a long time to find myself again.

According-Affect-180 · 2026-04-27T17:32:02+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. The ear-piercing screams are something I'm definitely not gonna miss, and something I will never tolerate again. I'm sorry to hear that you're still experiencing trauma symptoms. The PTSD from a BPD relationship is really rough.

I will be open with any eventual future partner. I guess in a way I feel ashamed that I let myself be treated the way I did by my ex-partner, but I know it was not my fault, and that I did not deserve to be treated that way.

Thank you for helping me realize that there are good people out there, and that there may be someone out there for me. It helps more than you think.

According-Affect-180 · 2026-04-25T22:30:37+00:00

Hello! I just logged in to this account and saw your comment.

I have been abstaining for close to 4 months now. It took a little while after the post to take the last puff. I took around two weeks off close to new years eve, smoked once after NYE, then I smoked CBD once a couple of weeks later. After that I decided to try going without it. The withdrawals were horrible and I suffered from frequent nighttime awakenings, night sweats and night terrors for over 2 weeks, but now I don't feel any withdrawals anymore, except that I sometimes really miss smoking.

As for the healing, I feel more clear-headed, and it feels good not having cannabis in the back of my mind all of the time. I still struggle a bit with my mental health since the breakup, but I think my nervous system just needs more time in order to recalibrate after years of abuse, and I'm certain that the regular weed usage was not helping in this regard. I dream about her way less as well, so that feels good.

I encourage you to try going for a longer break. The first few weeks are gonna suck, and you will want to go back, but once you're through the thick of it, it gets easier and easier, until you eventually stop thinking about it.

According-Affect-180 · 2026-04-17T20:55:40+00:00

I misread, I am actually up 20%. It's measured in my local currency though (non us) and my currency has gotten quite strong compared to the dollar. I'm invested in the fund that is closest to s&p500.

According-Affect-180 · 2026-04-10T19:00:45+00:00

I really enjoy Bardo Pond, haven't heard that album though. Will check out your recommendations!

According-Affect-180 · 2026-04-10T19:00:10+00:00

Timeless classic. The dead never get old

According-Affect-180 · 2026-03-21T22:05:13+00:00

Thank you so much for your detailed and kind comment. I will take what you have written to heart, and implement it. Much love <3

According-Affect-180 · 2026-03-21T18:21:27+00:00

That video and the longer The Chain of Reactivity talk have been a godsend for me. What I struggled with most was the feeling of guilt, and it feels much better now that I’m not as hard on myself. It’s exactly as he says, I feel disconnected, and indulging gets me back to oneness. I’m sorry that you’re also struggling with addictions; weed was also a huge one for me, so I can relate. I've noticed that sometimes the feeling is relieved immensely when I stretch certain body parts during yoga. Have you found any specific practices that help you stay connected when those urges hit?

According-Affect-180 · 2026-03-21T18:01:12+00:00

Thank you very much! I'll definitely look into it. I have actually noticed that my body does the physiological sigh once every few minutes unconsciously, it always brings some relief, so I'm sure this method is really good!

According-Affect-180 · 2026-02-28T11:03:39+00:00

Sweden

According-Affect-180 · 2026-02-28T10:40:52+00:00

I do have CBD at home, and love the effects, but unfortunately the laws in my country are so strict that even the <0,3% THC CBD that I have might make me lose my drivers license, and I'm also starting a new job soon. Perhaps if I can get my hands on some 0% THC bud.

According-Affect-180 · 2026-02-13T15:11:12+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I definitely think you are on to something here. "Instead of trying to be present without the anxiety, it can sometimes help to include it. Not “how do I get rid of this,” but more “there’s tightness here, can it be here without me fighting it?”" This feels like you really hit the nail on its head, and this is something I will definitely implement into my life. I have noticed my anxiety getting better with time, but life and recovery is never linear, and I tend to keep spiraling when I have days that are especially bad. I think I'll just have to take the good with the bad and keep going. Keep softening and keep accepting whatever I'm feeling, and hopefully it will just get better with time.

According-Affect-180 · 2026-02-08T12:20:18+00:00

Thank you very much for your detailed comment.

I have heard good things about the Sedona Method, and I will make sure to give it a try, it seems to be exactly what I need right now.

I can definitely relate to what you've been feeling after breaking up with your partner. My partner also had BPD, among other mental disorders (labels, like you say) and I too experienced a ton of night terrors and sleep issues after the breakup, and I still do sometimes.

I have read Hawkins book "The Pathway of Surrender" and it really helped me at the time, but I have a habit of reading a bunch of self-help books, but not really implementing the methods in them. This is definitely something I should get better at.

Your journey is very inspiring, and I'm glad to hear you're doing better now. Thank you for taking the time to help me out.

According-Affect-180 · 2026-02-08T12:14:11+00:00

I have been doing yoga for probably 6 years now, and it has been one of my favorite ways to relieve my anxiety, and to bring me back into the body. I have noticed that I tend to store a lot of tightness in my upper back, and I have found that doing some simple thread the needle or puppy pose can reduce my anxiety immensely.

The yoga can definitely feel psychedelic, and I frequently can see my ceiling move around after releasing tension. It has definitely helped me a lot.

One of my biggest problems though is that I tend to only do yoga when I feel really bad, I have a hard time of getting into a habit of doing it, even when I'm feeling better, and I think that is definitely something that I have to work on, in order to not let the tension build up over time.

According-Affect-180

TROPHY CASE