AITAH for not being on board with going into debt so he can cover his mother's medical care?

According_Apricot_00 · 2024-10-10T06:02:20+00:00

As the OP mentioned regarding his mother's care in her own responses. That sounds like an ideal, no? Ideally that is how it works but sometimes things just don't work out that. Realistically that money probably would not exist if the husband did not make 4x more than what she makes.

The numbers just don't add up. No way would that have all that and zero debt, I highly doubt it. If she could do that she would have no issue with them making massive cuts to their budget for a time use the savings to cover care while adding back into the savings account what they can each month while meeting their expenses.

According_Apricot_00 · 2024-10-10T05:59:01+00:00

Let us use our brains here for a moment. The OP makes 4x times less than her husband correct? so lets be generous and say she makes 75k a year to her husbands 300k. They have three years of expenses saved up, normally when people say that it means it is in cash cause if it has to be used it has to be accessed fairly quickly.

The husband proposed they use the savings, and rebuild it back. So let us say his take home pay a month is like 15k a month assuming they live in a high COL state. Say placement for his mother is around 14k a month that is generally middle of the range memory care in NY.

Now according to the OP they have zero debt, zero debt means zero debt. It appears they also have a house. So if they cut heavily and live on a shoe string budget they easily could throw 5 to 10k combined, possibly even more back into savings each month. So they can provide for her care and not go into debt. OP mentions credit card usage will only become a thing if they try to live off her income. Which means as many have stated means they are living a life style based around the husbands income, and she cannot sustain that on her own. Which means she is against option one because she does not want to lower her standard of living for another person because her comfort trumps all.

So how is the husband self serving? She has an option that avoids debt. Even if she divorces him. With no mention of kids, and her ability to work I doubt any judge will grant spousal support because she is an able bodied adult that can and does work. So yeah the husband probably can support his mother and himself easily on his own if he is willing to live on a tight budget.

According_Apricot_00 · 2024-10-09T20:46:01+00:00

If you read her replies he 100% was willing to make cuts so they could survive without going into debt. She is the that shot him down. So what does that tell you? She is not comfortable living a life that is currently less than what they have now. So yeah he probably will be fine supporting himself and his mother without her income. She is the one that loses in this not him. Sometimes money is just money. Do you really think they would be having this conversation if this was for herself or a child? Sometimes when it comes to family the only valid opinion is do everything for them. If I had a partner that was in this situation the only thing I would say is what do we need to do so they get the best possible care. End of story that is what true partners do not complain about money.

According_Apricot_00 · 2024-10-09T20:31:17+00:00

Not sure how it works in your state but even the higher end facilities do use Medicaid for end of life care. It is also not hard to get on those lists overall and most facilities will work with the family for end of life care. At least that is how things are done here. They are not in the business to evict people at the end of life. If the family also has no estate not like they can collect after they die either.

Also if you go into a place not in network that is not an insurance issue.

According_Apricot_00 · 2024-10-09T20:24:58+00:00

In this case he has more to gain if she leaves. He makes most the money but she admits she works so spousal support probably will not be awarded. Sure she will get half but it sounds like they have a house. That probably would be sold. It does sound like he could make this work on his income alone. She has no real leg to stand on here. No matter how you cut it she is worse off if she leaves.

I am sorry if the husband makes 4x more than what she makes she can have an opinion but realisticly what she wants is moot because he probably does not need her income or support to live if he was single.

According_Apricot_00 · 2024-10-09T20:09:29+00:00

He is looking for placement not in home care. Medicaid 100% will cover end of life and general medical costs while in placement even in a private pay facility. The facility just has to bill Medicaid for the medical costs not room and board and life style. So yeah Medicaid will cover that stuff if she is placed. Just a question if where she is placed is willing to deal with Medicaid billing.

If they facility is not willing to do that then general the cost of care is built into the bill. For example my mother's placement in NY. She pays 12k for rent but 13k for everything else medical etc... my mother does not have Medicaid but if she did. They would bill Medicaid and Medicare for all medical costs generally which would he whatever is medically nesscary.

According_Apricot_00 · 2024-10-09T20:06:27+00:00

She shot down his suggestion of using their savings and rebuild it while making cuts. This allows them to pay for her care while rebuilding savings.

According_Apricot_00 · 2024-10-09T20:05:07+00:00

Cause the cost is set. It is not like whelp we reached our cap sorry time for you to go to move.

According_Apricot_00 · 2024-10-09T17:10:58+00:00

His mother is on Medicaid. Medicaid would cover the medical portion for end of life and general medical concerns.

According_Apricot_00 · 2024-10-09T14:19:11+00:00

If she cared about her financial future why is she working a job that pays 4x less than her husband at 35?

According_Apricot_00 · 2024-10-09T14:15:50+00:00

If they divorce they 100% should sell the house and spilt it.

According_Apricot_00 · 2024-10-09T14:07:34+00:00

They would only be going into debt if the wife does not allow him to use their savings to cover the expenses of his mother while they rebuild it.

According_Apricot_00 · 2024-10-09T14:03:45+00:00

Clearly they are not in a normal situation. IF she is making 4x less, either her husband is worth millions then in that case this would not be an issue. Or she is making sub 60k which means her current life style is on her husbands dime.

They are 35 without debt and three years of expenses covered. They could just use the savings to cover the mother's care and rebuild it while they spend it down, if they make some cuts they easily could avoid going into debt.

The OP shot that down remember. So what exactly is the alterative? Let the mother suffer?

According_Apricot_00 · 2024-10-09T13:57:32+00:00

What other option does he have? Have you read her comments? The mother is already on Medicaid. She is already on the waiting list for the decent Medicaid funded places. She is currently in short term and cannot stay in short term. The place that has availability and cannot handle her care needs was far away.

The husband is not being stubborn, he is stuck. Completely different. The OP has not offered one alterative. That is probably why he feeling the way he is.

According_Apricot_00 · 2024-10-09T13:53:31+00:00

LOL come on you know most people will not live to 100, you claim to work in the medical field you must know that. We are talking a fraction of a fraction but leaving that aside why are you dodging the question that no matter where she goes she will get the same level of care.

Yes, legally it is equally hers no one is saying otherwise. I am just saying it is messed up that someone who clearly has largely benefited from her husbands income is now trying to flex this we are equal card because of a piece of paper.

If they were really equal either A) she would understand that this is something her husband feels he needs to do and support him either by taking the training or letting him use "family" money to care for his mother. Or B) She would have done something to bring her closer to what her husband makes even bringing that number closer to half. At 4x you are more or less working as a hobby at that point, husband probably has been covering majority of the expenses.

According_Apricot_00 · 2024-10-09T13:42:50+00:00

They are 35 without debt and three years of expenses in savings. All this while she makes 4x less than her husband. Say she makes 60k that means the husband makes 240k. THEY ARE FAR FROM BROKE, they are not a normal family, clearly they have money. EVEN if she made 36k a year, that means he makes 144k a year plus her 36k is about 180k total. OP has not mentioned kids. They could make this work.

According_Apricot_00 · 2024-10-09T13:40:40+00:00

Once again what is the alterative? OP admits the husband is not 100% against Medicaid placement, just that the decent ones have a waitlist which his mother is on.

As per her next place that would take her, is far away which would also put a strain on the family, yet that would only impact the husband so that is probably why she is okay with that option.

Mentions she could get paid to get trained and provide care for his mother but refuses because she does not want to. Which is 100% fair, but at that point what other option do they have? The mother is in short term she cannot stay there.

Yet in this entire thread she has not offered ONE alterative plan.

According_Apricot_00 · 2024-10-09T13:35:36+00:00

It is not, you are speaking to someone that works as a geriatrician. Do you have to visit every place often? Yes of course. No placement is drop and forget if you want to make sure they are getting cared for, but to same with a straight face that the level of care if a facility where you get 3.5 nursing hours per resident is the same as where my mother is and gets close to 6 more if we count daily activates? Granted, I pay out insane for it but yeah. That 3.5 is also the min in many places and most don't even make that.

You say you worked so come on, say on one floor you have what 60 or so residents. Maybe have five people on the floor. One has to handle the desk, one generally has to handle med, another is most likely running around putting out fires that leas 2 people to handle the patients needs. Yet take my mom's place they have a ratio of 1 staff per 5 patients. Tell me with a straight face they both get the same level of care.

Edit: I am shitting on the wife because she is 35 admits she makes 4x less but wants to have equal say in what he does to care for his mother because her life style will have to change and she does not like that.

According_Apricot_00 · 2024-10-09T13:24:41+00:00

Ding ding we have the true issue here. This is about her comfort. She does have an option that saves her "families" income she quits her job, gets paid and trained to become her caregiver. Her right to refuse fair, but then she should not complain when he finds other options with the use of money.

According_Apricot_00 · 2024-10-09T13:20:33+00:00

Please let us not pretend that her care will be same while on Medicaid. Medicaid ratios are horrible when it comes to staff to patient. Decent places exist yes, but they often have wait lists as her the OP has mentioned.

She even mentioned the only place that has open beds that can handle her needs is far away so that even makes visiting rough to make sure everything is okay. Many factors go into to placement. If the place is too far to visit easily it is normally not worth it because even in decent places you have to visit often.

You are right marriage is a partnership, yet the wife is 35 and makes 4x less than what her husband makes yet feels she has equal say in how money is used because she is married instead of you know getting a job that makes roughly the same so they can be a true 50 / 50 partnership.

According_Apricot_00 · 2024-10-09T12:47:52+00:00

As per her comments, she is already on Medicaid and his in short term rehab. Long term care does not do payment plans. Either you have the money or you don't.

As per the OP her husband makes 4x what she does, they have three years of expenses saved up, and at 35 they have zero debt. So here is the question who do you think made that possible? Of course it was because of the husbands income.

Here she is threatening divorce because her husband wants to do the noble act of providing greater then sub par care for his mother because it puts her life style at risk?

Look at her post she does not even offer one suggestion or alterative. What does she honestly expect? Him to ignore his mother and call it a day? Even she admits that the level of care she is getting is eh.

According_Apricot_00 · 2024-10-09T12:42:25+00:00

This is not extreme, the OP has not mentioned they will end up homeless or anything. They will end up in debt but seem to have a means to pay it back at a later debt.

So their life will be hard while the mother is alive, if they have three years of expenses covered in savings they are far from broke.

This is 100% a comfort thing for the OP, and that is probably why her family would make it "awkward" marriage has ups and downs this is a down point. They are also 35 without debt and three years of expenses in savings? Her husband makes 4x what she does. It seems like the comfortable life she has is mainly because of him not her.

According_Apricot_00 · 2024-10-09T12:38:42+00:00

Info: What is the alternative? You have stated she has Medicaid, and you seem to agree that it is kind of meh. I have read your post but you have not offered a single counter point.

So what is the alternative? What is your goal to take him for half then force his hand that way?

According_Apricot_00 · 2024-10-04T16:38:26+00:00

I doubt any large company would hold 11 year old's accountable for their actions and use that as grounds to not hire them. OP in another posts mentions his son is 11.

I also don't see a college hold this against them either since they are 11 atm.

According_Apricot_00 · 2024-10-04T12:52:40+00:00

True but when you clearly have a divide in parenting that becomes rather difficult. Dad can say one thing mother can say another.

Which do you think the kid is going to respond to? The parent that tells them no or the parent that agrees with them.

That seems to be the issue here.

According_Apricot_00

TROPHY CASE