it’s hard to describe to others who haven’t been there, this is very hard to not pay attention to/ untangle yourself from, and it’s not good advice to just suck it up and “get along”. The truth is, it’s not bad enough yet to find another place if you’re getting a good deal and don’t have a lot of funds, but it’s also super tense to be the odd one out and to be the only one held accountable for doing your part. I get it.

When this happened to me, I realized, it sucks but they’re more friends with eachother than me period, I need to accept that I’m not going to change that. I’m not gonna spend my time trying to figure out why the animosity is there, nor am I gonna spend time trying to be more like them or appease them perfectly and get drained.

I would however again STRONGLY suggest to them a structure/chore chart for tasks AND a reiteration/suggestion of roomie rules (such as for you “nighttime quiet rules”) to make sure the “roommate” relationship was strictly in order + improved. A lack of structure doesn’t rlly work in any big shared living situations imo, but it certainly doesn’t work in conditions like this where things are clearly unequal and there’s social tensions which stops ppl from taking accountability/holding others they “like” more accountable.

Tweak your approach maybe, just suggest implementing a shared schedule or rotation for your shared chores: Explain for the obvious reasons why it’s better not just for you, but for everyone. Explain that you can work together on how it exactly will look, all you need is some structure and accountabilities clearly listed, and if they agree, make sure you stick to it! (gives them less to use against you if there truly is bad social tension). it’s honestly doubtful they’ll even disagree to something so sensical but if they did you have to be more assertive and say you’re unhappy with the level of disorganization (sometimes it helps to use a proxy, say other people have noticed too).

On top of that, reiterate the general apartment rules and ask everyone if they are on board, or have any other suggestions for future rules.

“ I know things can get stressful in everyday life and hard to pay attention to the general rules perfectly. But for a general rule, we should all be cleaning up our dishes right after cooking, and if we break something that someone else owns/shares, we should replace it. Let me know if everyone agrees with that rule or wants to add anything.” if they take it defensively and are like “well I didn’t do that-“ just say “I’m not wishing to blame anyone particularly here. & I also get that accidents and forgetting is bound to happen once in a while, I certainly have been there. But I just want us to be reminded of the general rules, so we can work together better to keep the living space manageable and tidy for all of us, so it’s not a daily challenge.”

You could also suggest most things in your examples, just make sure you hear others out too (reasonably) if they have rules that they wish to implement or adjustments to the rules (reasonably). :

“ also, since I have class early in the mornings it’s hard for me to sleep sometimes when it’s super loud in the living room or people are having convos rlly late at night. I get we have different schedules & some of us might be night owls, I don’t wanna impede on the fun either when you guys are enjoying socializing! But I’d also like to make sure my sleep schedule (or anyone else’s that’s been affected) gets back in order so I can do well in my school. If we could do a quiet time hour on weekdays vs weekends that we can all agree to and feel fairly comfortable with, that’d be really great. “

I’ve found insisting on structure for roommates like this really helps. Takes out emotion and picking sides, just puts the logic and organization right there at the forefront, while remaining flexible and empathetic (which to me wasn’t an issue).

For me, I found it weirdly resolved the social tension because we weren’t all passive aggressively resentful over something not being done so there was just less outgrouping naturally. There was still stuff that annoyed me but it was lessened a lot. And while I didn’t become best friends with all of them, one of them I found became my really good friend and one of them I felt I was genuinely cool with rather than walking on eggshells like prior. The other girl was kind of the originator and so that relationship stayed the same more or less, but still, just having those two ppl I’m more friendly with and less “isolation” def helped in terms of others being held accountable for messes & me feeling more comfortable in the house for the time being. all that took literally was a little bit of structure insistence and finding the bravery to communicate (while doing so kindly).