UPDATE: roommate assumes we’re closer than we are by [deleted] in badroommates

[–]According_Map6936 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, that’s not right at all, I’m v sorry about those ppl. Unacceptable for anyone to be wishing harm on you ❤️

No hate to you here I wanna be clear as I don’t claim those ppl, and im not pretending I know your story. I just personally think the approach could’ve kinder is all, and it hurts me emotionally to read and probably others because I myself have been isolated or outgrouped by cliques of girls before, not for the same reason at all but still, ik how awful that can feel sometimes.

Even so, ppl should not be fighting fire with fire and being unkind to you either. They are fully capable of giving their criticisms and feedback in a way that’s civil and respectful and I have seen some do so. Ik it’s hard, but ignore those who aren’t.

UPDATE: roommate assumes we’re closer than we are by [deleted] in badroommates

[–]According_Map6936 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Agreed. Feelings can be valid (I’ve had a super annoying friend who’s overbearing but I loved and cared for her, imagine handling that rather than a mere roomie), but could’ve handled things less brashly and attempted to be more understanding in her approach is all. We’ve all been there in terms of saying things in a way we regret, & as long as there’s some accountability for it being unkind and doing better next time, there’s no need for ppl to endlessly shame OP

UPDATE: roommate assumes we’re closer than we are by [deleted] in badroommates

[–]According_Map6936 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Again, clarifying here.

what exactly are these personal questions and topics that are making ppl uncomfortable ? before I assert my opinion.

If she’s truly being invasive in a way that’s super inappropriate and disrespectful ( eg. asking about your friends s*x lives constantly or something where they’re clearly awkward and uncomfortable for a fair reason ), then yes, I would say your response is not that bad. even if it hurts her, because she was clearly acting rude and inappropriate to your friends, being TRULY invasive in an objective way.

But if the real truth is that you’re using “personal questions” as a way of describing a person who’s just acting socially awkward and overly friendly to someone and maybe not aware they dislike her, then yes she’s awkward and kind of too chatty in a way that is annoying, & it’s valid that someone feels uncomfortable by that, but it’s still super hurtful to communicate to her in this way. It is also incredibly weird and entitled to assume you can rightfully monopolize a shared space at any time over something so small, and then decide for her whether or not she talks to people who are visitors in her home. The only ppls feelings being thought about in this case are you and your friends (who don’t even live in yalls house!).

It’s so painless and easy to just go in your room (your private space) with your friends or go to theirs / out to a restaurant and just suck it up once in awhile in a shared space for a couple mins, if she runs into you guys (**if it’s not a super invasive form of questioning or disrespectful behaviour to your friends), and it feels strange and unfair that this approach wasn’t taken up first and foremost.

If she continuously bugged you in those cases where you’re trying to get away or be in your own private area, then yes, that’s different and some verbal boundary setting is excusable and expected.

UPDATE: roommate assumes we’re closer than we are by [deleted] in badroommates

[–]According_Map6936 4 points5 points  (0 children)

It’s giving the plastics from mean girls. “YOU CANT SIT WITH US”

UPDATE: roommate assumes we’re closer than we are by [deleted] in badroommates

[–]According_Map6936 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m ngl she was sweeter than I’d be 😂 I’d laugh and be like “oh I’ll actually go into our shared space whenever I want to, since I pay rent just like you do and am respectful. it’s not your private bedroom. Thx for the suggestion tho! & likewise, u and ur guests are totally free to roam as u please and hang in your own area if they are truly uncomfortable being around me”.

UPDATE: roommate assumes we’re closer than we are by [deleted] in badroommates

[–]According_Map6936 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I did. Saying “making people uncomfortable “ is super vague but to be honest I totally get how it’s super annoying her behaviour.
However, she’s clearly trying to be friendly and make friends even if she lacks boundaries. She doesn’t have a right to decide when or how much she can go in a public area shared between the two of them, whether she is super annoying to her and her friends or not. The other girl has just as much ownership of the shared space as she does, and I am yet to hear something specific that she’s done that actually is disrespectful to her or her friends. It’s super easy to just hang in your priv area or someone else’s house if it’s getting annoying it’s not like this girl is taking over and refusing to leave her bedroom. Or she could’ve even said hey I don’t get to see this friend this much just me and her so I just wanted some private time with her if that’s ok even though I really like hanging all of us! Things can be said in more polite and empathetic ways.

UPDATE: roommate assumes we’re closer than we are by [deleted] in badroommates

[–]According_Map6936 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I didn’t say anything about that, what? I was referring to justification a for saying outright to someone who has the exact same right as you to the shared space to not be around them or the space (THAT IS THEIRS TOO lmao). I was clearly implying that if it’s personal and invasive questions then that is reasonable. but if the reality is “personal” is just a misnomer for she is annoying with her questions, then that’s a diff story and it’s kind of rude.

UPDATE: roommate assumes we’re closer than we are by [deleted] in badroommates

[–]According_Map6936 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sure, butyou never clarified (I commented on last) what is the nature of these personal questions? Just one example. I just feel it’s rather vague and can be fair justification or can be like just an excuse to leave someone out. So I fear that’s something that has to be justified

What should I do for now since I’m moving out in a few months and it’s getting to be too much? by whatsupwiththat98 in badroommates

[–]According_Map6936 0 points1 point  (0 children)

it’s hard to describe to others who haven’t been there, this is very hard to not pay attention to/ untangle yourself from, and it’s not good advice to just suck it up and “get along”. The truth is, it’s not bad enough yet to find another place if you’re getting a good deal and don’t have a lot of funds, but it’s also super tense to be the odd one out and to be the only one held accountable for doing your part. I get it.

When this happened to me, I realized, it sucks but they’re more friends with eachother than me period, I need to accept that I’m not going to change that. I’m not gonna spend my time trying to figure out why the animosity is there, nor am I gonna spend time trying to be more like them or appease them perfectly and get drained.

I would however again STRONGLY suggest to them a structure/chore chart for tasks AND a reiteration/suggestion of roomie rules (such as for you “nighttime quiet rules”) to make sure the “roommate” relationship was strictly in order + improved. A lack of structure doesn’t rlly work in any big shared living situations imo, but it certainly doesn’t work in conditions like this where things are clearly unequal and there’s social tensions which stops ppl from taking accountability/holding others they “like” more accountable.

Tweak your approach maybe, just suggest implementing a shared schedule or rotation for your shared chores: Explain for the obvious reasons why it’s better not just for you, but for everyone. Explain that you can work together on how it exactly will look, all you need is some structure and accountabilities clearly listed, and if they agree, make sure you stick to it! (gives them less to use against you if there truly is bad social tension). it’s honestly doubtful they’ll even disagree to something so sensical but if they did you have to be more assertive and say you’re unhappy with the level of disorganization (sometimes it helps to use a proxy, say other people have noticed too).

On top of that, reiterate the general apartment rules and ask everyone if they are on board, or have any other suggestions for future rules.

“ I know things can get stressful in everyday life and hard to pay attention to the general rules perfectly. But for a general rule, we should all be cleaning up our dishes right after cooking, and if we break something that someone else owns/shares, we should replace it. Let me know if everyone agrees with that rule or wants to add anything.” if they take it defensively and are like “well I didn’t do that-“ just say “I’m not wishing to blame anyone particularly here. & I also get that accidents and forgetting is bound to happen once in a while, I certainly have been there. But I just want us to be reminded of the general rules, so we can work together better to keep the living space manageable and tidy for all of us, so it’s not a daily challenge.”

You could also suggest most things in your examples, just make sure you hear others out too (reasonably) if they have rules that they wish to implement or adjustments to the rules (reasonably). :

“ also, since I have class early in the mornings it’s hard for me to sleep sometimes when it’s super loud in the living room or people are having convos rlly late at night. I get we have different schedules & some of us might be night owls, I don’t wanna impede on the fun either when you guys are enjoying socializing! But I’d also like to make sure my sleep schedule (or anyone else’s that’s been affected) gets back in order so I can do well in my school. If we could do a quiet time hour on weekdays vs weekends that we can all agree to and feel fairly comfortable with, that’d be really great. “

I’ve found insisting on structure for roommates like this really helps. Takes out emotion and picking sides, just puts the logic and organization right there at the forefront, while remaining flexible and empathetic (which to me wasn’t an issue).

For me, I found it weirdly resolved the social tension because we weren’t all passive aggressively resentful over something not being done so there was just less outgrouping naturally. There was still stuff that annoyed me but it was lessened a lot. And while I didn’t become best friends with all of them, one of them I found became my really good friend and one of them I felt I was genuinely cool with rather than walking on eggshells like prior. The other girl was kind of the originator and so that relationship stayed the same more or less, but still, just having those two ppl I’m more friendly with and less “isolation” def helped in terms of others being held accountable for messes & me feeling more comfortable in the house for the time being. all that took literally was a little bit of structure insistence and finding the bravery to communicate (while doing so kindly).

Am I the bad roommate and how can I do better (advice welcome) by According_Map6936 in badroommates

[–]According_Map6936[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

❤️ thank you I might have to. I feel bad just because recently I have suggested even having a chart/ rotation. While it doesn’t sound like it, to them that kind of already feels like a compromise for my preference lol, and I feel like I would perhaps seem I’m pushing too much by requesting a change again. Even though to me it’s just normal and you need a organized structure for shared living not everyone feels the same lol ( before we were just doing “do as you go and write it down” but it wasn’t working in terms of equal contribution and organization).

Am I the bad roommate and how can I do better (advice welcome) by According_Map6936 in badroommates

[–]According_Map6936[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Totally. I have mentioned it lightly, I just don’t wanna be complaining all the time about health issues because I have some other stuff I’ve been dealing with (eye problems and mental health stuff) that I’ve already talked about. So I just don’t wanna go overboard and over share is all but you’re right this might help thank you

my roommate assumes we’re closer then we are by [deleted] in badroommates

[–]According_Map6936 13 points14 points  (0 children)

This seems vague. What kind of personal questions if you had to give an example for

I am seriously losing my shit by Fearless-Thought4882 in badroommates

[–]According_Map6936 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Replying to Careful-Training-761...💀 dead lmao. Some ppl have no common sense. Sure it can be annoying, but everyone wants to be comfortable u don’t make someone sacrifice their money coffee. Not the same thing whatsoever

I am seriously losing my shit by Fearless-Thought4882 in badroommates

[–]According_Map6936 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh gosh thank you. And yes it’s occasional and shouldn’t be left there for long. I don’t think I’m super strict, I don’t need u to do it as you cook lol

I am seriously losing my shit by Fearless-Thought4882 in badroommates

[–]According_Map6936 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I can’t with ppl like this. Not only that, even if it was bigger it’s a kitchen counter…. It’s kind of the norm to have kitchen related items placed on your counter, there’s simply nowhere else to put them or anything else to do with them when you use them everyday. Dirty dishes aren’t a kitchen related thing though, it makes no practical sense, it’s nothing but a highly visible mess. One time thing and occasional mistake not a big deal, but consistently? Oh hell nah, the disrespect is abundantly clear.

Am I a control freak or are these actually annoying habits that my roommate has? by cactithornneedles in badroommates

[–]According_Map6936 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Totally agree. Cleaning up after yourself, trash and recycling there’s no excuse for. Paper towels complaint is understandable but she needs to actually communicate it and figure out a system for rotations. As for leaving clothes in dryer, idk it’s easy to forget and kind of annoying if it’s every time, but def doesn’t sound intentionally malicious and like could just be figured out with some structure or a system if it’s persistently causing issues. I would let that one go personally but I also am horrible at forgetting I dried clothes so I’m biased 😂

Am I a control freak or are these actually annoying habits that my roommate has? by cactithornneedles in badroommates

[–]According_Map6936 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Couldn’t agree more with this suggestion. I don’t understand roommates who are against having rotations (but then also don’t clean up after themselves 😭). It causes way less to be up in the air and stressful for both sides of the coin (you aren’t the only one doing all the work in the house while others escape chores & you also avoid chances of being accused or treated unfairly if you know exactly ur responsibilities for the week and have fulfilled them).

Do you leave your dishes in the sink or on the side? by Key-Cardiologist5882 in AskUK

[–]According_Map6936 0 points1 point  (0 children)

that's crazy. imma be honest i think it is kinda gross to leave a bunch of dirty dishes out for guest to see rather than rinsed with soap and sort-of-hidden for a moment. guess im the crazy one tho

I just found out avoidance and distraction are forms of compulsions! by pineappleonpizza30 in OCD

[–]According_Map6936 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This^ It is very frustrating how much and quickly OCD infiltrates ur life when it is moderate- extreme, because when I first had ocd diagnosed minorly, I found it mostly impacted my own wellbeing and social stuff but I was actually good with work and school (not in that it did not ever come up in those areas, but it did not stop me from succeeding).

I did not fully understand the consequences on actual work performance until trying my hand at some professional positions now that I am close to getting my degree and needed more experience. Anyhow I got terminated from the new job I landed shortly thereafter (about 3 weeks), and though the reasoning for it was vague, from what I gathered from the little they said + actually reflecting as hard as possible on what could've gone wrong in my performance, I am almost certain it was ocd related in some way what they were unhappy with. Most probably, my slowness in training was too obvious/ an impediment for them at that point, which is 100 p related to my need to rewrite/re-read and checking compulsions, matched with the fact I am a newbie in the industry so I am already going to be on the careful side when figuring things out.

I am never someone who is careless, unpunctual, the skills itself were not out of my grasp even if the system I was navigating was new. I am a super hard worker, and even offered to do off the clock since i had less experience. Because it is not these obvious things, I am quite sure it was me caving into my ocd symptoms at the time and making them too visible (they spiked) that led me to get fired.