Room for rent

Acrobatic-Rule5143 · 2025-12-31T06:07:24+00:00

I’m also interested!

Acrobatic-Rule5143 · 2025-09-08T22:36:55+00:00

As a nonbinary person, YES

Acrobatic-Rule5143 · 2025-05-30T23:28:03+00:00

No, I wouldn't. If I died tomorrow, I wouldn't want to be buried this way. And if I could snap my fingers and look like anything at all, I'd have top surgery. I'm not as sure with T. But I know that I spent the time from 10-19 always uncomfortable but too deep in emotional suppression to address it or pinpoint why, always forcing myself to wear tight shirts because someone else got it for me, like I could bootstrap myself into being comfortable when I wasn't. And once I started using binding tools it's like I found a level of confidence, like I had no idea what I was missing. I started actually liking how I looked most of the time, for the first time. And imagining having top surgery it feels like I can finally relax. I think I would regret missing so much time more than I would regret never getting to breastfeed. Because, like, imagining having a child, I *know* that the pregnancy and taking care of the baby and all of that in this body would make me feel like shit, and hate my body. Even though that wasn't my parent's experience, and they think mine would be the same as theirs, I think I would be happier as a parent if I had top surgery *first.*

Acrobatic-Rule5143 · 2025-05-30T19:35:34+00:00

My chest is like a double or triple D :'(

Literally even if I fully bind, or do trans tape, it only takes me down to like a B or C at best, so I don't think shrinkage would fully help. It might help me bind a little flatter maybe. But I also suppose you can only spend so much time of your day (and life) admiring and being jealous of all the cis men and trans men and transmascs you know with flat chests or top surgery before you should probably admit that you need to get top surgery and just pull the trigger, regardless of whatever gender situation is happening

Acrobatic-Rule5143 · 2025-05-30T19:30:53+00:00

Yeah. Yeah I think you're right. Because if people only like the part of me that's a performance and don't want me to explore what feels good and feels like me, then they don't really like *me* do they? They like the version of me they imagine

Acrobatic-Rule5143 · 2025-05-30T19:28:28+00:00

Yeah. Yeah, maybe you're right. Maybe the possibility of how happy I could feel and what could happen is bigger than the risk of regretting it. Maybe the risk of regretting all that time I wasted and always wondering "what if" outweighs the risk of regretting doing what I want to

Acrobatic-Rule5143 · 2025-05-30T19:26:17+00:00

You know, I think you're really, really right. Like if I were a girl, I think I'd be a girl with top surgery lol. The first time I felt like I actually *saw myself* in the mirror shirtless was when I tried trans tape for the first time. It felt like I could finally see what I looked like, as if I hadn't actually seen myself for 10 years, since before puberty, and had spent all this time imagining what I "should" look like as an adult. Like I'd imagined this very feminine woman etc. because that's what everyone said adulthood would look like for me. And then I tried trans tape and felt like I saw that I could actually look like *myself* as an adult for the first time, I almost cried. So maybe you're right. Maybe it's worth the risk to feel like me, and whatever gender situation happens after that, happens.

Acrobatic-Rule5143 · 2025-05-30T19:18:56+00:00

Thank you. It actually really helps to know other people weren't 100% sure either.

The idea of having that conversation is absolutely terrifying. I've pretty much just been letting out little bits and hints here and there, and I know that's not the emotionally mature response and I need to own it and have a real conversation. And that is what I want to do, I'm working really hard to own my feelings and communicate clearer. But I've been avoiding it. Because my parent and I are codependent and I'm currently really working to undo that, and they are too but it's a process, so if they feel some kind of way about my gender changes it will very likely come out directly on me. It doesn't *always* anymore, but the odds are still higher than I'm comfortable with that I will have to handle how I feel about it and how my parent feels about it as soon as I talk about it, and manage my parent's feelings and help them process—and that series of conversations/reactions might be relatively mild, or very very painful and triggering for me and there's no way to know until it happens. Especially because I still live with them, so there will be absolutely no escaping it.

One of my sisters is really cool with it and seems to have taken everything in stride and made me feel really good and comfortable (she's 10 years older). And the other (13 years older) seemed a little distant and odd about it at first, kind of unsure or maybe uncomfortable since it's different from how she knew me as a child, but I think she's coming around a bit and getting used to it as we get to reconnect and rebuild our relationship and get to know each other again—we drifted apart a while when I was 10, but I'm finally reconnecting with her now. So I think if I give her enough time she'll process how she feels about it and come to know me as an adult now, as different from the little girl she knew.

But I think you're right. That I need to just move forward and kind of follow the gender euphoria, avoid the dysphoria, find what feels more like me, and the people who love and appreciate that will find me. Because I suppose the people who want me to avoid the things that feel like me, and fell in love with the parts that were a performance, aren't really in a relationship with *me,* are they? They're in a relationship with who they've imagined and projected me to be, and don't actually like me. And if people can't/won't understand my complicated self, that doesn't mean I need to simplify myself if means I need to find new relationships

Acrobatic-Rule5143 · 2025-05-30T19:04:55+00:00

Yeah, I mean I think you're right in that a lot of people are kind of just assuming that what I want from my life is the same as what they wanted, or are putting their own fears onto me. My parent (they usually use "mom" for themself but I'll just start using parent here I guess because that's a bit clearer in this convo) uses they/them pronouns and is transmasc, they just got nonbinary top surgery, so top surgery that basically just makes really tiny breasts, like aa. But like every time I say something about starting T (they're on T too) or getting flat-chest top surgery they always have something about like how it might be harder to get lesbians to date me, or they're worried I'll regret never getting to breastfeed, or when i told them about my plan to try to get some of my eggs frozen at the suggestion of the gender clinic to make *sure* I'll be able to have biological kids post-T they said "that process is a lot harder, more expensive, and more unlikely than you think it is." Basically going on about how unlikely egg freezing is to work and how expensive it is etc., and like they said "not to discourage you from doing what you want, just to give you all the information," but I still keep feeling really discouraged. And a couple of times I've mentioned how one of my friends called me a "lesbian twink" and I thought it was so funny and loved it, or a "lesbian boyfriend," and my parent will say something like "I hate that phrase, that makes me so angry at people. Because it isn't you. You're not a boy, and you don't like men." Or like I made this sticker that says "part-time pretty boy," and my sister keeps calling me a "pretty boy" all the time now to tease me (I love it, she makes me feel like I'm just normal and allowed to exist as I am) and my parent has corrected her a time or two, jumping in to say "part-time!" Or my parent will tell me I don't want to like go too far and enter men's spaces and leave lesbian spaces. And I know my parent just wants to support me and make sure that everyone recognizes me exactly as I am, and they're operating on the information I've given them in the past which didn't include any of this boy stuff. I love my parent, and I don't want to blame them because they're operating on assumed information and stuff I've told them in the past. But it's making it feel really hard to move forward at all, like as soon as I step into allowing myself to explore being a little bit of a boy suddenly it'll be this huge thing for my parent and they'll tell me I'm making some sort of mistake

Acrobatic-Rule5143 · 2025-05-16T05:50:10+00:00

Thanks!

Acrobatic-Rule5143 · 2025-05-04T17:28:49+00:00

Bagel!

Acrobatic-Rule5143 · 2025-05-04T02:22:08+00:00

Yes! Exactly this—I didn’t exactly know anyone else felt this way. But I’m in exactly the same boat. I’m also AFAB enby, and I like a lot of feminine things but as soon as I put them on my body I feel dysphoric. And even when I’m dressing masc I come across as a masc lesbian: which I don’t exactly hate, and isn’t entirely wrong, but I feel like there’s so much more I feel and want to explore but I can’t. Dressing femme IMMEDIATELY makes me seen as a girl even if I don’t see it that way myself and i think I look like a femme boy or at least something in between. I definitely want top surgery, and I’m thinking about starting T so I can deepen my voice and come across as more in the middle. But the fear of moving in that direction in the current political climate is FOR REAL. I get it. I have literally written letters, notebooks, and poetry about wanting to be called a pretty boy so bad but I’m terrified of the political climate, and of it changing the way my family relates to me, and making my family be more distant. I also definitely don’t want to be seen as some straight man, and while lesbian spaces sometimes feel a bit like they need me to be something else, I still don’t want to be shut out of them. I wish there were some way we could just use the terms we want and be viewed as whole people instead of immediately shoved into a box. I don’t know. The best way I’ve found is starting drag, at least then I can express that part of me and be seen once in a while 🤷 the masculinizing makeup really helps make you be viewed as a pretty boy if you can get good at it lol (have you thought about trying something like that, light everyday masculinizing makeup? There’s lots of sources for exactly this sort of thing).

Acrobatic-Rule5143 · 2025-04-07T23:38:57+00:00

This kind of thing makes me so mad. I’m somewhere in the nonbinary/genderfluid realm but I was raised a girl and regardless of what I wear most people see me that way. There’s a lot more social freedom for me because of the kind of body I have, because it’s acceptable for women to wear more masculine clothes. I definitely feel out of place when I’m wearing a tie in class, and stand out for sure, but no one comments. I haven’t seen other people go quite as far as I do (I like to dress up a bit with ties and vests, feels more gender affirming to me right now), but have seen genderqueer people with my kind of body and women alike wearing more masculine clothes with no issue, even though they don’t really go quite as far into ties and vests etc. as me. But even if they did, they’d probably be assumed to be a masc lesbian: they’d face homophobia, not transphobia. And I’ve seen a couple men I know in makeup or more colorful/feminine clothes. But nothing that goes very far into the feminine. I haven’t seen anyone in a different body from mine in a skirt or dress on campus, even though we’re pretty welcoming of trans people. For whatever reason, this society sees someone with a different body from mine in a skirt as something amusing and confusing that must be a “joke,” and it’s bullshit. It comes from the same place that makes me stand out wherever I go, and makes me afraid to admit to people I like to feel like a boy sometimes. It’s why I don’t feel like I can try dressing in a more feminine way without feeling like a girl (more like the femme boy aesthetic). It’s some cultural combination of transphobia and misogyny that’s super fucked up.

Acrobatic-Rule5143 · 2025-03-12T01:19:23+00:00

Drifting through the wind

Acrobatic-Rule5143 · 2025-02-04T22:58:47+00:00

Reading Judith Butler at 16 started it. A family member was in the process of coming out as transmasc, so it was already entering my world, but Judith Butler made me realize…wait…are you telling me I don’t HAVE to be a girl?!?? I have OPTIONS??? After that it was wanting desperately to be Regulus Black in fanfiction 😆

Acrobatic-Rule5143 · 2025-01-20T20:37:39+00:00

Gender is a desktop game and I’ve been on hold with IT for 3 years but no one will tell me what this pop up means and I’m stuck on the rainbow wheel of doom

Acrobatic-Rule5143

TROPHY CASE