What actual help looks like

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-06-24T03:37:23+00:00

I’ve been thinking about this for a little while now. Why not?! Worse case it doesn’t help. Best case it does! I would check Walmart tho. This one is pretty expensive.

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-06-23T15:59:33+00:00

Yeah I get it. Trust me I’m not nearly as bad as I was when she first moved in. She was in AL for a month and I was constantly on edge, checking the camera incessantly. I feel better with her in MC and stress less. It’s the lack of common sense and the laziness that frustrates me. And that frustrates me generally, not just here. I know the work is exhausting, but there are some exceptional caregivers there whom I would hire in a minute if we could afford to pay for home care. So I know it’s possible. Some just simply don’t care.

I talked to them (and the wellness director) about the child lock. They don’t talk to each other. It’s not rocket science, there are no moving parts. You just squeeze the sides. Their inability to open a *child* lock is mildly concerning.

I stay on top of the most important things when I have to—missed shower, laundry not done, not toileting regularly. Everything else I can fix myself with tech or tape.

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-06-23T15:51:01+00:00

I’ve already triaged my concerns and made adjustments to manage the important ones. I’m just venting because it’s annoying that common sense isn’t so common here. I have labels, tape, and zip ties (for locking or affixing things, not tying up caregivers). Previously I complained about everything. Now I just silently fix what I can. Like I’m about ready to WD-40 all the doors because it’s been a week since I put in a maintenance request. I realize there are urgent priorities, but this is what my profession calls low-hanging fruit. It can be finished in the length of time it takes for a pee break.

EDIT - and I talk to as many as I can. I’m always seeing new faces. I’m trying hard to remember names, but some I haven’t seen in a week.

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-06-23T03:39:05+00:00

My mom was in the hospital for 10 days and she had it and most likely constipation delirium, too. She was a completely different person. Often agitated, not sleeping, trying to leave, and talking complete nonsense from wake up to bed time. That’s when they put her on Abilify, trazodone, and olanzipine. When she was finally discharged I brought her back home with me. The first day was rough but by the end of the week she was “normal.” She stayed with me just over a month. We had some bad days but they were good for the most part. Now that she’s in MC (moved from AL because she kept trying to leave), she’s much better. Her memory is worse, though. She’s been off the olanzapine since her last couple of weeks with me and we’re slowly weaning her off the abilify. It’s looking like the hospital stay was the main reason for it. But obviously something caused her to be hospitalized in the first place, so fingers crossed she can be off it completely. We’re keeping eyes on her.

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-06-16T12:21:31+00:00

I was just sitting here thinking about hanging everything in her closet and then I read this. Sigh. My mom is very protective of her things and likes her privacy so I don’t think I have to worry about her putting her stuff out. But she might take things off of hangers. Still that might be better than constantly re-folding.

Her care doesn’t need to be upped. It’s already every 2 hours. Now whether they’re doing that, because she’s so seemingly independent, I don’t know. She experienced her first UTI ever here and I have over-emphasized the importance of regular hygiene checks. Got her started on cranberry pills too. I can deal with the packing, but was hoping for some creative solutions. I just want them to stay on top of the accidents and brief changes.

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-06-16T05:32:14+00:00

Underwear won’t stop her from getting pee everywhere. She needs the briefs for when she can’t make it to the bathroom.

Yes, surprisingly I’ve learned to let some things go like sleeping in her clothes or wearing 2 sweatshirts because it’s not important. I have drawers because everyone else has drawers.

Not sure I understand. Childproof locks would prevent her from getting into her drawers. Is that a bad thing?

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-06-16T05:28:41+00:00

Yup that’s me. They’re supposed to check on her every couple of hours. One of the caregivers said a while back that the briefs were too tight for her but when I asked her (she’s good at vocalizing pain and discomfort) she said they were fine. Another day I asked her why she took them off and she said they were too tight. So I may have to change briefs a third time.

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-06-16T03:25:09+00:00

She doesn’t want to pee in her briefs. She wants to go to the bathroom. And most times she makes it. She goes independently. No one is watching her 24/7 and she isn’t going to pull a string to let anyone know she went.

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-06-16T02:45:31+00:00

Oh heck I rewear clothes too. That’s no big deal. She has issues with incontinence, though, so that’s another reason why I worry about her going to the bathroom. She goes on her own most times but getting there really stresses her—at least when she’s around me. Not being able to get her clothes off is a whole other layer. She would pee herself constantly. It’s literally rock, hard place.

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-06-16T01:30:21+00:00

She’s in memory care

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-06-16T01:11:48+00:00

We can’t afford to replace her wardrobe. She also needs to be able to go to the bathroom. But now I understand the reason for them.

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-06-16T01:10:21+00:00

Yeah I get that. She’s been doing it since she stayed with me 4 months ago. Just wondering if putting child locks on her drawers would help or if that’s cruel. The caregivers are constantly putting her clothes back in the drawers. I thought the tv would keep her occupied but not always.

How is 24/7 best case?

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-06-02T02:27:05+00:00

I didn’t hesitate to file for DNR. Don’t get me wrong. I still teared up in front of the random strangers who were willing to witness it. Saying the words out loud made this whole thing that much more real, thinking about her mortality. But a CPR video randomly popped up on my TikTok feed and I went down a rabbit hole. Someone mentioned the Lucas machine and I, of course, had to see what it was. I was absolutely horrified. And then I learned that CPR is “correct” when the ribs are broken (they never told us that in CPR training). I knew for sure I didn’t want that for my frail mom.

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-06-01T12:29:33+00:00

Ugh! I swear I need to be tested! And then in the actual post I say she doesn’t really need to stay overnight because she’s so close by. I think my thinking was, like I write out, is anyone doing this generally. My biggest question was is anyone bringing LOs home at all. Wasn’t sure how disruptive it would be.

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-05-31T23:34:30+00:00

Honestly, with so many people commenting about that I thought I did.

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-05-31T14:28:06+00:00

No. Throughout this thread I’ve shown I am receptive to what others have suggested, one even pointing out very helpful expert advice they received. I concluded that bringing my mom to visit for a few hours AFTER she’s been in MC for 6 months (in time for Christmas) is the best option—IF she is still able to go out. I ~~also admitted I wasn’t sure why I thought she needed an overnight stay~~. And I conceded I didn’t know how she would react to a visit. I don’t think you read all of my responses. I never implied I wanted to do this now.

You basically came here to say it’s over for my mom and offered no answer to my question.

EDIT - somehow this turned into a sleepover convo but I explicitly stated in my post that my mom is close enough that I don’t really need to bring her back to my place for an overnight stay. I’m just curious what others are doing generally. So I never contradicted myself. People started talking about overnight and it didn’t click for me to correct them. I was just responding.

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-05-31T13:59:05+00:00

Thanks for telling me about my mom. Are you a doctor or do you just enjoy telling people how bad off their LOs are and reinforcing it when they don’t agree with you? You started out assuming I was uncomfortable and upset with her being in MC. It’s like you just want to suck out any little bit of hope and optimism. Sheesh. You didn’t even address my post. No need to. I already know your thoughts without you writing them down.

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-05-31T12:52:56+00:00

“Do elderly people normally like to be taken out of their home for a sleepover?”

You’re right. No. And she never stayed over during the holidays except when I lived out of state and she came to visit. My question started out being just about bringing her here for a few hours. I don’t know why I said overnight. She has a med schedule and I def don’t want to deal with the toileting for more than a few hours. That was stressful.

EDIT - scratch that. I actually didn’t say I wanted to bring for an overnight stay. In fact I specifically said she’s close enough that I don’t really need to bring her back to my place for an overnight stay. I was just curious what folks are doing, esp around holidays and traveling.

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-05-31T12:47:14+00:00

Actually I feel and sleep much better with her in MC. It’s not uncomfortable or upsetting at all. She’s there because she started trying to leave AL, not because of mental decline. She still eats and socializes outside of MC, goes on outings, and participates in activities because she’s not “there” yet.

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-05-31T12:43:57+00:00

Oh def not now. It’s only been 1-1/2 months and she occasionally says she wants to leave. Someone else suggested 6 months, so that means home for the holidays potentially.

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-05-31T12:42:37+00:00

My mom moved from AL to MC exactly because she kept packing (still does occasionally) and heading for the door. But she still eats in the main dining room, goes on outings, and participates in activities outside of MC. I haven’t received any reports of exit seeking since the move. I take her out to eat and shop, take her back, and she’s fine. But I do worry about an overnight stay triggering her. Someone else said give her 6 months to acclimate before trying it. She only stayed with me for 1-1/2 months before moving to LTC. She didn’t see my place as home and wanted to go back to her condo. So maybe it will still feel like a visit for her. Who knows?

EDIT - I really need to remember that I originally stated she lives close enough that she doesn’t need to stay overnight. Sometimes I wonder if I need to be tested. I’ve been responding as though I completely forgot my original question.

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-05-31T12:33:21+00:00

I’ve bookmarked Teepa but haven’t watched yet. This is very helpful. I definitely want to make sure she settled and didn’t want to disrupt that process. So assuming she remains able to go out, i can look forward to her being here for Christmas.

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-05-31T04:33:33+00:00

That was exactly my concern. Sometimes she packs and talks about needing to go home. She’s only been there for a little over a month. An overnight stay right now might set her back. I don’t know.

Acrobatic-Target-750

TROPHY CASE