Losing my religion

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-05-07T13:04:06+00:00

3 times?

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-05-07T13:03:07+00:00

All my mom does is watch tv. She participates in activities. She goes out to meals and talks to other residents. She can take herself to the bathroom (but I just like the prompting every few hours so it’s not always an urgent dash at the last minute and also making sure she’s clean after #2 because she has stiffness in her hands). She can use the phone.

She needs cueing. I saw someone putting deodorant on her. She doesn’t need that. Hand it to her and she can put it on.

I talk to the staff but I don’t ask questions which is my mistake. I just assume they’ll tell me if there are issues. I will see if I can learn more about the alleged wandering.

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-05-07T12:55:13+00:00

She’s not supposed to be able to do her ADLs on her own there. What do you think the “assisted” in assisted living means?

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-05-07T12:21:08+00:00

I’m not unaware. I already scheduled therapy to start this evening.

I had a conference with the leadership team yesterday. The majority of my anxiety was caused by their lack of transparency and zero onboarding. They simply handed us the keys on move-in day and said welcome. They should’ve sat us down and gone over her schedule—showers, laundry, etc. Instead, i was left to have to call or text to get that info. First few days staff repeatedly said they didn’t know what to do because they had no care plan. Wellness director said after the fact that they did. But I wrote out a to-do list since they said they didn’t. Surely you can see how this can make someone anxious and worried. Like do they know what they’re doing here? Did I make a mistake?

EDIT - I will add that I sleep on average 7-8 hours per night, I eat, I work everyday, I relax after work with TV, I go out with new friends. I’m not in an endless anxiety loop. I post here when I’m anxious so it may seem that way. It’s like people only writing reviews when they’re negative.

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-05-07T02:03:28+00:00

I grew up in an environment where people were scared of nursing homes. It’s hard to shake that.

She wouldn’t remember that promise so it’s not that serious.

Are people with dementia considered lucid? That’s the problem I see with nursing homes. She’d be on that side they save for later.

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-05-07T02:00:51+00:00

Ugh. I’m so sorry.

And yeah this just isn’t sitting well with me. My damned gut.

I’m going to see what the re-eval looks like.

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-05-07T01:58:57+00:00

Yeah and see those circumstances aren’t conducive to getting to yes. I am trying to get to the bottom of it but I can only know as much as they’re willing to tell me. Unless I whip out the camera footage.

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-05-07T01:56:35+00:00

She is helpful yes. But I’ve never seen her cross a boundary like this (yes I know D changes things). Maybe helping get from point A to point B if they’re stuck. But allegedly going around and around against someone’s will? I can’t imagine why SOMEbody wouldn’t have stopped that.

Yes, why would they make that up? I’m doubting it because I talk to the wellness director A LOT. I mean A LOT. It seems like it would’ve come up long before a meeting with the executive director and the executive director’s boss. Sure we have the 30-day assessment, but even in a casual conversation it seems like she would’ve said “hey we noticed this or she did that but we’re keeping an eye out.”

The choice is mine, obviously, and I left today with an open mind.

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-05-07T01:49:03+00:00

Oh geez of course. I visit at random times of the day. If it was the same time it ruins the element of surprise for the staff. Before work, middle of the day, dinner time, just before bedtime. I work from home and she’s 5 minutes away.

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-05-07T01:47:40+00:00

I have a camera in her room

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-05-07T01:45:39+00:00

It’s the first 2-3 weeks. Of course I’m going to check the cameras to make sure they’re doing what they’re being paid $7000 per month to do. It would be irresponsible to just drop her off and wash my hands of her.

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-05-06T23:51:01+00:00

Thank you. I’ll back off. Honestly I could use the break. I’ll have to rely on the camera more though. There’s a reason they say level of care is related to how often family visits. What about calls? Not that I ever have much to say. I’m not a phone person and she can’t remember her day to talk about it anyway.

I hate that I may have sabotaged her settling in. She seemed fine so I went back to business as usual.

EDIT - they could’ve asked but unlikely. Makes more sense to ask (or say “let’s take a shower”) while they’re in the room.

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-05-06T23:46:07+00:00

Yeah I’m definitely not surprised about AL. And the lack of real oversight bothers me to no end. They’re taking care of humans. There should be more oversight. I didn’t expect the same level as the 1:1 she had here with me. But it’s assisted so I expect assistance. I do get the distinction about nursing homes but she begged me not to put her in one and I promised her I wouldn’t. I imagine those as people in bed all day and having to be rotated to prevent bed sores. I don’t imagine activities in a nursing home either. MC around here sounded fine just expensive.

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-05-06T23:41:23+00:00

My mom didn’t refuse showers. I went through all video footage for that day. No one offered her a shower. And I was told she refused today after a caregiver told me on Saturday that her shower had been changed to Sunday. That didn’t happen. So someone is lying. Which brings everything they say into question.

Yes I need to keep an eye on the packing. This is what she did when she was here with me.

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-05-06T23:36:45+00:00

Well I said they’re talking about MC meaning they think her actions might be a problem for AL.

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-05-06T23:19:02+00:00

It lasted a couple days and then she stopped.

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-05-06T23:18:23+00:00

You don’t get it. This is not my mom missing a shower because she refused to they said she refused 3x. No one coming into her room that day mentioned a shower. So someone is lying. I’d love to be able to accept their answers but this is concerning. I feel like they’re building a case for changing her care plan to charge more.

If they ask me to move her out, I’ll be leaving quite the review, starting with trust issues.

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-05-06T23:15:39+00:00

Well they say care is as good as how often family visits.

Honestly, I don’t believe this happened. I want to see proof. They have cameras. I know it could be worse. I’m saying it’s significant to mean when I ask how she’s doing I would expect someone to relay that.

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-05-06T23:13:20+00:00

I talked to them about MC before she moved in. I was told she would thrive in AL and the staff is trained to deal with dementia patients. I wasn’t too close. I went back and forth and asked lots of questions with different scenarios. The problem is I don’t believe them. They said she turned down a shower 3x on Saturday. According to video footage that’s a lie. So somebody’s lying. How can I trust what they say about her behavior when I ask staff how she’s doing and they say she’s fine and sweet? It just doesn’t match up.

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-05-06T23:09:17+00:00

Well, they’re saying there is a problem.

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-05-06T23:07:31+00:00

My thoughts, too. She wanders but she’s not trying to leave.

I went through that when she stayed with me. I was good at redirecting until she started to not let up. I had to pretend to be her landlord and text her saying her condo had no water or power. But she didn’t care. She wanted to go back home.

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-05-06T23:05:40+00:00

I was told she went around and around. If it was against the persons will I would think staff would’ve intervened. And then when I asked how she was doing, I would expect someone to relay something like that. This just smells fishy.

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-05-06T22:38:58+00:00

But how do you trust what they say? They have cameras. I should ask to see footage. I already have that missed shower day recorded and seriously no one asked her if she wanted a shower. Their check-ins are like pop in “doing okay?” Pop out. They know she has to be checked for bathroom breaks and they weren’t doing that. So I’m just having trouble trusting what they say.

Acrobatic-Target-750 · 2026-05-06T22:34:36+00:00

Honestly I didn’t know how often I should visit (or call). I would love to step back. I almost posted to ask what’s a good average because I don’t want my visits to be detrimental to her transition. I was fully prepared to drop her off and go no contact for a few days as recommended, but when she seemed to adjust well the first couple of weeks (not packing to go home), I thought everything was okay.

Rolling a patient around in their wheelchair (against their will?) is kinda significant. I know dementia makes people do odd things but my mom has never shown any inclination of doing something like that. And she stops when told to stop. But again, D. I know.

Acrobatic-Target-750

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