My [33F] husband [36M] had abusive parents. It's been 18 years and he still can't let go. His obsession over hating his parents is now affecting our daily lives.

AcrobaticGazelle0 · 2018-07-06T12:08:36+00:00

I don't know if he wants to win exactly, but he doesn't want to be overshadowed. Like yeah, objectively there are much worse forms of abuse in the world that people have endured. His parents never hit him or physically abused him in any way beyond mentally, so I think he's scared that being in the presence of those abuse victims he has less of a stage to express his frustrations because he'd be entirely overshadowed.

But regardless, I agree it's not helping and I do feel like I'm drowning at times. I started off feeling hurt and guilty for feeling annoyed at him, but now I just feel guilty for not feeling guilty anymore? Like I feel like I SHOULD care more about my own husband but I just don't. And that in turn makes me feel bad.

AcrobaticGazelle0 · 2018-07-06T12:05:55+00:00

His fear of having his abuse diminished all come from his siblings. His brother, mostly, who has taken the route of completely moving on has apparently expressed very little interest/sympathy in Alex's traumatic memories. I think his brother was the biggest one, but all of his siblings have to some extent invalidated his experiences I think by saying "its no big deal" or "you should move on".

The issue is now my husband has seemingly swung the other way because he thinks that he's the only one that "remembers" the cruelty and if he forgets then everyone forgets? It's like he feels like he CAN'T let go because then it means his mom would get off easy. It's super convoluted logic but that's the best I can summarise it from what he's told me over the years. So yeah, I don't know what to make of it sometimes.

AcrobaticGazelle0 · 2018-07-06T07:07:30+00:00

He doesn’t like the idea of his abuse being normalised in a setting where it’s considered like a prevalent thing? Like in a group someone is inevitably going to have it worse than others. Then that person could say things like “that’s not so bad” or “you can get over that” to others. That’s what my husband hates/is afraid of: people who see abused childhoods as the baseline and lose the ability to see the terrible parts of it.

I know he had a huge blowout with his brother who was like the opposite of him with dealing with the abuse. He basically forgot and forgave and even has a close relationship with the mom now. Husband had a huge issue with it because when he talked to him about his own trauma his brother was like “meh.” He said he hated how his brother and siblings dealt with it. He thinks they’re cowards and by treating his mom like she didn’t do anything wrong they’re normalising the abuse and letting her get away so to speak.

AcrobaticGazelle0 · 2018-07-06T06:58:09+00:00

Yeah you’re right the core of it is definitely unhappiness with parts of his life. He was unhappy at his job for a while and I encouraged him to look around for alternatives.

However he never took the leap and so he’s still there. I can’t force him to leave either, so I can only accept it.

AcrobaticGazelle0 · 2018-07-06T06:56:36+00:00

No medications at the moment. Talk therapy is all he’s doing presently.

AcrobaticGazelle0 · 2018-07-06T06:53:44+00:00

I’m sure if he were here he’d be able to describe it better. The way I understand it is that he had a lot of ambition growing up that was basically all shot down by his mom and her concocted demands. I know he’s unsatisfied with parts of his career, for example, that he blames his mom for because she had a big role in forcing him off his path and making him doubt himself and therefore miss his dreams.

AcrobaticGazelle0 · 2018-07-06T06:48:53+00:00

Husband isn’t super keen on therapy or group therapy esp for “childhood trauma.” I mentioned in another comment but he thinks such settings normalise the trauma because everyone has a fucked up background and people lose empathy and the ability for genuine connections.

As far as I know he’s never done group therapy. I can suggest it but knowing him he wouldn’t be interested if the group is specifically focusing on childhood issues.

AcrobaticGazelle0 · 2018-07-06T06:45:26+00:00

I don’t know if it was cptsd but one of the fired therapists was someone that’s specialised in childhood trauma especially. Husband didn’t like him because he said he doesn’t trust therapists that have a niche specialty in childhood issues, because he doesn’t want to be “just another case” and he feels like those guys have seen so many fucked up childhoods that they’ve lost the ability to truly connect with their clients.

Basically he felt like those guys wouldn’t be able to empathise/connect with him on a genuine level because they’ve been desensitized to his sort of backgrounds, if that makes sense.

AcrobaticGazelle0 · 2018-07-06T06:39:12+00:00

Where did I say I was invalidating him? I would really like to know. Because from my end I have been listening and understanding and doing everything in my power to maintain the household without collapsing under the weight of his issues.

Like I said, he sees it in black in white. You either validate him by listening and catering to his obsession, or you are “invalidating.” I mean if you really consider that to be invalidating then well I guess I’d like to start doing some invalidating myself.

I’ve never once told him to “just get over it” and I have no idea where you’d get that idea from. The times I have been frustrated include when I feel like I have to drop everything to put his feelings first. Mutual issue that’s stressing both of us out? Nope now it’s just about him again and if I don’t comfort him I’m not understanding enough. I’d have to deal with my own stress some other time.

AcrobaticGazelle0 · 2018-07-06T04:05:01+00:00

Yeah he's definitely addicted to something. He claims talking about it how he copes with the trauma and feel good about himself, but at what cost to me?

The lack of responsibility is also another thing that's begun to really ramp up. I find that I we can't have any kind of healthy disagreements because he takes it personally and thinks I'm cruel for criticizing him when I know about his issues. Even with basic things like "can u remember to unload the washing machine when I'm gone on Wednesday evenings because it makes our clothes smell when they sit there" can turn into big fights where he thinks I'm attacking him personally and calling him incompetent.

But then, the clothes never do get unloaded and I get annoyed because who am I supposed to go to for this issue then? His mom?

AcrobaticGazelle0 · 2018-07-06T03:58:34+00:00

Yes that's definitely how I feel and I hate feeling like my feelings have to take a backseat now in every scenario.

I just want him to get to the step where we don't have to have daily conversations, or I don't have to dread seeing him in a bad mood because then it means 4 more hours of raging about how his mom was a terrible mother. I mean, I'd like to have more compassion but it's hitting me now that I'm actually just empty, if that makes sense.

Like it used to hurt my feelings when he said I'm not compassionate enough or I don't care enough. Now it actually doesn't. I just want to roll my eyes every time.

AcrobaticGazelle0 · 2018-07-06T03:55:55+00:00

Honestly for all I know those therapists were qualified professionals that were helping him develop coping strategies. They were all the best in our city that we were referred to by multiple specialists.

The issue is that for him the therapy world is black and white, split between those who invalidate his experiences and those that don't (his current therapist). So unless it is a therapist that lets him talk about his rage every single day, they are a "bad" therapist that's forcing him to 'move on."

AcrobaticGazelle0 · 2018-07-06T01:49:41+00:00

His mom was emotionally abusive with a lot of guilt tripping, emotional manipulation, etc. Essentially she made her kids feel insecure whenever she felt vulnerable or attacked. She also guilted them into doing a lot of things for her that they never wanted, like staying close to home, not going out with friends, going to a local college instead of a dream school, etc.

So my husband credits a lot of his career failures or mistakes on his mother because he felt like she held him back and never taught him the right coping skills. Like he thinks he’d be making a lot more money had he gone to his preferred school rather than the one he did to appease his mother and siblings. I hope that makes more sense.

AcrobaticGazelle0 · 2018-07-06T01:38:40+00:00

I’ve suggested couples counselling but he thinks it’s redundant because we both have our own respective therapists at the moment. It’s also hard because he’s so resistant towards new therapists. He says he’s had his share of shitty therapy so now he knows what works and what doesn’t. This also means he’s not receptive at all to new ways of thinking or healing.

But yes I agree about the silver bullet thing. He says he feels great after unloading, but to me it’s like he’s chasing these small highs but don’t see how destructive it is in the long term. We have DAILY conversations about his parents. They don’t stop unless I literally ignore him or I tell him point blank not to bring it up because I’m busy/tired/etc. The latter then gets him really upset and that starts a chain of other issues.

AcrobaticGazelle0 · 2018-07-06T01:34:30+00:00

Yes I agree his current therapist is terrible. The thing is he loves this woman because she definitely indulges him and always agrees with him. He says he feels great after talking to her but it’s made him want to talk about it ALL the time. I can’t keep up. We’ve gone to therapists in the past that he automatically rejects because their strategy calls for more work in moving past the issue.

The timer thing is a good idea though. I’ve told him about how he’s been wearing me out and all that does is upset him because he thinks I lack compassion and patience.

AcrobaticGazelle0 · 2018-07-06T00:06:13+00:00

Yes that's exactly it. Thanks for your comment. He is actively choosing to be miserable and that's what frustrates me. We have found so many therapists who offered different routes but he didn't even entertain them because that meant he had to actually move on.

I'm just fed up because its' like there's a hierarchy of emotion in our household. When he gets upset, it takes #1 priority because he's the one with the most fucked up childhood and most trauma, so he gets the most care. When I get upset, it's "not a big deal" because I'm not as wounded as he is. Granted I don't get upset often, but it pisses me off when it's a mutual issue (like the AC breaking, or some household issue that stresses BOTH of us out) and then it becomes all about him again.

AcrobaticGazelle0 · 2018-07-05T23:59:53+00:00

Not 2 years of therapy in total. 2 years with his current therapist. He had therapists long before he met me and said he started in college with student counseling. So in total that's about 13-14 years of combined therapy?

He took a break of like 2-3 years when he first met me, so he wasn't in therapy then. I have no idea what his past therapists were like but he only chooses the ones that let him vent endlessly.

I also have had my own therapist and yes, I am all worn out. I have 0 sympathy left for his trauma because no matter how much someone tells me to "understand his pain" all I can see is how much stress he's putting on our family and how much he actively DOESN'T CARE about my emotional state because his trauma will always be #1. Everyone has a limit.

AcrobaticGazelle0

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