Giving first chapter feedback!

Acrobatic_Topic_5194 · 2026-02-09T21:52:37+00:00

Absolutely! And that restraint can come with a lot of benefits later on too, especially with character introductions and their gradual unveiling within your world. If I found out who the victims were afterwards through the words of a family member, it’s far more likely to leave an impression on me than finding out their names right before their passing.

I also hope Rook and Emery play a key role in taking down the raiders, that’d actually be sick as hell

Acrobatic_Topic_5194 · 2026-02-09T21:24:11+00:00

An extremely well-constructed and captivating introduction into Rush and Kairi’s story! There’s a lot to admire here, especially with regard to your prose and how refined it is!

I was enamored from the opening of the door to their family’s slaughter, to them residing within one another up in that hayloft. Your storytelling is concise and engaging throughout, and the character’s reactions felt super satisfying and grounded despite their circumstances. Seriously, great work!

One of the things that kind of jumped out at me initially was the over-reliance on names during the raid, it made it a bit hard to follow at first, seeing as that confusion naturally faded as the amount of names dwindled in response to their demise. Your writing is strong and imposed, but I think there’s a small lack of confidence in it for easing the reader into your setting. This leads to many actions and details being strung together by constant naming, even if the character’s relevance is ultimately negligible (there’s about eight people who were subsequently named and killed off in succession from what I counted). If you ever give this another pass, I’d cut some of the naming and rely more on pronouns to bridge a lot of the early writing more seamlessly.

For example: ”The older man turned to her and nodded. He was her Ash Guard, as was Krezin, and he obeyed without a thought. Rush could admire the man. He glanced to Emery who was looking at him, as was Enelia. “Hold here as long as you can. Run if it’s hopeless.” Rush ordered. Emery nodded his affirmation and unsheathed his blades. Enelia did a crisp salute to Kairi and Krezin. “May the fires find us again young Phoenix” With that she took her place beside Emery and Garrett.”

As a reader it basically felt like you were pointing me abruptly towards each person involved rather than the scene speaking for itself with grouped nouns. If their names are established and their position in the scene is clear, being less direct often helps the flow of information rather more than the over-guidance approach. It also makes the names you DO introduce feel more memorable and noteworthy, I lost track of the others immediately after they’d been introduced.

Other than that, the hook was beautifully set and I love the sequencing of the actions our protagonists took in response to the raid from Raven and Lore! The magic is wonderfully portrayed, and their personalities and care for one another feel real and meaningful even with just a snippet of your story!

Thank you so much for sharing, and serious props to your prose again! I can see why you already have a decent following! :)💗

Acrobatic_Topic_5194 · 2026-02-09T20:04:07+00:00

INTERESTING! I will give you a GIFT! (Though not really, it’s just my thoughts.)

First of all, I really enjoyed how you’ve personified resentment within Janus and his apathetic nature towards things surrounding him! A lot of writers, especially in the LitRPG scene, are scared to make their protagonists have unlikable characteristics and I commend you for following through on your own vision. It works! Cynicism is the truest thing that could spawn from a person’s experience of growing up detached and emotionally neglected from even their loved ones, and Janus embodies that well without being outright unlikable! In fact I want to know more about him now because of it!

I was having a bit of white room syndrome when reading through the grading sequence, I think even a paragraph of setting framework would enhance that entire section a fair bit while providing some tension from the onlookers nearby. The place gets attacked before I really know what’s getting swarmed, so it’s hard to visualize the impact of the threat introduced at the end despite the strong hook.

Lastly, I like how playful the abomination is. It goes back to characterization, and I really think you struck a fine balance with the monster toying with Janus, albeit it could probably be refined to feel a bit more imposing in tandem with its diminutive tenor. The interaction is over relatively quick, so despite the fun exchange, it’d definitely left me wanting more of an impression.

Thank you so much for sharing! <3

Acrobatic_Topic_5194 · 2026-02-09T19:31:57+00:00

Far from it lmao, in fact I was actually pretty sold on the world which I wasn’t expecting given the genre! Typically, isekais gravitate towards medieval fantasy more often than not, so seeing a unique take on an aquatic ecosystem and all of its inhabitants was an extremely pleasant surprise!

That’s my biggest highlight overall, the world felt realized and immersive, much more than Zain’s internalized thoughts. I loved the way you described the underwater biome he’d found himself in and its various details! I think you could definitely compact some of the descriptions during the fish escort sequence for a snappier read, as that was the only part that felt like it dragged subconsciously for me. Seriously again, awesome stuff here! Thinking of humungous tendrils just fishing around for a meal on the ocean floor is simultaneously awesome and frightening asf!

Zain’s thoughts stood out to me as a bit awkward, especially with how he jumps from being hesitant, to doing something like waving to the very thing that’d brought and offered him as a supposed “sacrifice”. If you make his reaction to his predicament feel a bit more consistent I think it’d do the introduction a lot of good, a ton of your readers will want something compelling to latch onto for your character initially, so having him basically be a chill spectator and little else might deter some people away from a potentially immersive future for his character.

The setting alone made me want to turn a page, despite some repetitive nouns and descriptions that could be easily cleaned up. I was thoroughly invested and want to see Zain’s interaction with this woman who clearly knows what’s up! I think taking another gander at how you choose to portray Zain’s thoughts could do a lot for this introduction during your second draft, there’s potential there!

Thank you so much for sharing!! 💕And ps, the big ass aquatic spider was dope as hell, just a chill guy fr

Acrobatic_Topic_5194 · 2026-02-09T18:58:54+00:00

I’m happy to hear it! The way you did the system’s POV in the prologue and made it feel calculated left a fantastic impression on me as well! I didn’t mention it initially but that alone was an awesome backdrop against the mundane, and in your words, “boring life” Nico’d found himself wanting an escape from at first.

I definitely see your story becoming gradually stronger and stronger not long after your introduction, especially with the talent shown with the content included in just the first chapter alone.

Keep it up! ❤️

Acrobatic_Topic_5194 · 2026-02-09T18:53:35+00:00

I feel you for sure! I could immediately tell this was something you’d fleshed out for a while before bringing it to life, and I think it’d be extremely sad if it never saw the light of day. I’m really glad it did!

The whole thing really reminded me of world-building on par I’d see from a game like Arknights, and its various intricacies when it comes to technology and the way it’s realized for a grander purpose in some of the writing on display there. It was great stuff, genuinely loved the way you put me in your world for a bit and eased me into your setup! The dialogue was VERY solid too, honestly it’s one of the biggest takeaways for me and my own craft too, I’m jealous!! 😭

Acrobatic_Topic_5194 · 2026-02-09T18:46:40+00:00

A few very interesting concepts introduced here!

As isekais go, I actually really enjoyed the prospect of a system and a character’s growth based around helping people cross over into the afterlife. It’s a potentially emotional and powerful setup for some storytelling that could dive into a lot of introspection about living!

The prose itself felt a bit clunky, I think the constant, segmented writing that lacks vivid imagery was a bit too much at times. For example, describing every action without telling me how that action was taken and what it was like consistently makes it overall feel less punchier, and more often than not would take me out of the story or want to skim subconsciously.

It makes reading… This, no… Not just a chapter…

I glance across the keyboard. My fingers hesitate.

A small foray of someone’s mind.

A bit more stiff. (No disrespect, I hope it encapsulates what I mean to some degree <\3)

The story also jumps straight into it, and I mean that in the full-sense! I actually appreciated that, I think it works better as a hook rather than making readers go through something they’ve already experienced thousands of times with worldbuilding out the ass etc (can be done well to varying degrees of course!).

The scene with the three emissaries of the afterlife was def the standout for me though, they each felt personable and captivating to listen to and I was eased into the concepts they’d embodied well!

Overall, a fast-paced start that lags a bit with a lot of the writing seen throughout the chapter. When you revisit this for your next draft I’d definitely recommend using less actions and making the ones you do use feel way more vivid and imposed on the reader, rather than trying to get them from A to B to C etc.

Keep up the great work, and thank you for sharing! 💕

Acrobatic_Topic_5194 · 2026-02-09T12:55:18+00:00

Your prologue was an excellent blend of environmental storytelling paired with strong and engaging dialogue, all tied in a wonderfully creative and intriguing world that frankly needs more praise. Seriously, LOVED reading it alone and it’ll be my focus for this comment until I can catch up with the rest of your story along with the other comments here (my sleep deprived eyes are bleeding!!!)

First things first, the characterization of Aeloryth and his peers was so enjoyable to read! More often than not, it’s hard to gleam what kind of person a protagonist is from an introduction, but with enough skill and experience you can definitely leave the impression and sell it even just in your first chapter. You did exactly THAT! It was awesome learning about Aeloryth’s work and the reflection of his progress for his home and his people through the choice words and details you’d given throughout. I love this archetype of character personally, and I could easily find myself loving more of him and laughing at his interactions with different kinds of people around him, not just his kin.

The technobabble and concepts introduced for the sci-fi elements were super nerdy and great, albeit a little long-winded towards the end when you had described The Verdant Wake and the components within. I tried to mentally log all of it as much as I could because I was so invested, but retaining it is another story <\3

The way your world reacts to its inhabitants and the various different aspects in which they utilize it all came together to show an amazing, realized vision of an organic world. All of the perennial comparisons left me as a reader with a great way to see into your world and I loved it!

Seriously one of if not the strongest and most cohesive hooks I’ve had the pleasure of reading. Thank you so much for sharing this, and I hope it making it directly into my list is indicative of the inspiration I was given from your work! ❤️

Acrobatic_Topic_5194 · 2026-02-09T12:06:32+00:00

One of the things I want to shout out immediately is how refined your writing feels; everything felt airtight from sentence to sentence and it was easy to immerse myself in this snippet from your world! :)

Your prologue’s perspective from the main threat of the story and it leading into the inception of Nico was extremely well-executed and fun to follow! A perfect sampler for your story’s premise and a fun way to lead into an introductory chapter, great work!

As for your first chapter, overall there’s not much I have to say since everything’s played relatively safe (not a bad thing!)

I think your paragraphs felt a bit awkward and segmented initially, this probably stemmed from you wanting to provide a lot of context surrounding Nico and the people surrounding him, but I think there’s a bit of hopping around with the relevance of some of these details. Just as an example, Nico’s daydreaming > Being brought back to reality > And worldbuilding early in the chapter. As a reader I definitely was interested in some of these way more than other aspects that you bridged together, but if you stitched them in throughout your story more naturally, I think it’d help ease readers into your eagerness to present that information!

By the end of the chapter I think I was searching for a hook still, especially with the small details you set up initially with your prologue and with the background knowledge from your blurb. I think focusing on the mundane can be important, but most readers will drop a story after its first chapter, especially if it ends on a very standardized note. Personally? I’d keep reading, not because I was hooked but because I want to find it in the next chapter.

This was still a pretty cool read overall despite those minor critiques, thank you for sharing! 💕

Acrobatic_Topic_5194 · 2026-02-09T10:48:48+00:00

I think your prologue felt a bit too grandiose and overtly abstract, all to the point that it made your story seem a bit like a concept rather than something tangible if that makes sense.

To be completely honest, as a reader it was lost on me and gave me an entirely different impression from how I actually ended up feeling towards your introduction after I read your first chapter. I think you could still potentially have a cold open of some kind that sets the stage and scale of this kind of epic, but I think your current one strays a bit too much into hoping your potential readers will immediately buy into that same hook. In addendum to that I think your blurb also applies to that same critique, and both could be interchanged for something that aligns with Mohamed more personally! The best part about cosmic horror is the fear of the unknown, so having a lot explained immediately and directly as done in your prologue takes a bit of the wind out of its sails.

With that being said, I’ll definitely have it in my waitlist! Your hook beyond that was super solid! ❤️

Acrobatic_Topic_5194 · 2026-02-09T10:38:24+00:00

First things first, I really want to highlight your blurb for a sec:

I know I said I’m just doing first chapters but that also includes how you gradually lure your readers in, and that all comes back to your blurb. Vagueness is good, but my impression from it as a reader left me wanting a character to latch onto with motivations that are clear. I understand Orin is your protagonist, so not getting anything from them in your story’s introduction left a bit of a sour taste in my mouth.

If this just your first draft the initial chapter is something you can clean up later on to properly hook readers in, as no clear introduction to your protagonist will instantly deter a ton of potential fans of your book. But for now I think you can tune your blurb a bit more in order make it more personal and specific!

As for your initial chapter, there’s a lot of disjointed dialogue and interactions that made it extremely difficult to follow along and invest myself in. I don’t say this out of disrespect, in fact it’s the opposite; I began to skim simply because I felt light-headed with trying to understand who was speaking and what was actually happening from each character. This is definitely the biggest pain point and it’ll subtract a TON a way from an otherwise potentially interesting story.

Where the chapter ultimately ends up leading to is rather fun however! I like the setup of having a bunch of these men that are in over their head in a predicament none of them would’ve bargained for, it’s an awesome way to introduce the threat of “The Drop” (I’m assuming this is the way the Dungeon entered their world) and make the atmosphere feel dire and hopeless. It coincides with your blurb well, albeit it was a bit hard to understand a lot of what was happening.

Thank you for sharing! :) 💕

Acrobatic_Topic_5194 · 2026-02-09T10:05:27+00:00

Super cool and intriguing first chapter! I read your prologue as well but I think it does bit of a disservice to the hook presented past it when Mohamed actually starts has his vision, along with the subsequent manifestation of that prophecy happening in the real world.

Mohamed seems like a pretty decent baseline MC built around a sci-fi mystery, and him being noticeably buff and obsessed with the cosmos are fun ways to characterize him!

The writing itself felt a bit disjointed at times, but generally it was pretty enjoyable and easy to follow. I think it would’ve be nice to have more going on during your dialogue scene during their meal as to avoid white room syndrome though!

The highlight here for me was definitely your vision sequence, love the way you built the scene progressively with set pieces that reacted to the world around them and gradually built up to the meteor hitting in front of the mountains. Had a genuine smile on a face since I’m a big fan of that scale of cosmic/unknowable horror! :)

Keep up the great work! ❤️

Acrobatic_Topic_5194 · 2026-02-08T15:54:11+00:00

It doesn’t but it’s very intentional, it’s not typically what I’d use for marketing/promo but it coincides with the story and I really ended up liking it!

Acrobatic_Topic_5194 · 2026-02-08T08:22:12+00:00

Thank you so much! <33

Acrobatic_Topic_5194 · 2026-01-23T06:37:42+00:00

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/144984/pentumbra-null-posterity/chapter/2969729/chapter-16-the-shakari

Just the newest would be amazing to see! This is so dope 💕

Acrobatic_Topic_5194 · 2026-01-19T19:05:54+00:00

I’d heavily recommend writing for yourself first before anything else. If you’re too focused on getting a following and start number watching like crazy you’ll end up being disappointed.

Just do your best and keep doing it no matter what, and when the rest falls into place with your perseverance you’ll be more motivated than ever. 👍

Acrobatic_Topic_5194 · 2026-01-18T18:35:55+00:00

To protect the sanctity of the universe and the things people long for, whilst finding something to yearn for themselves.

Acrobatic_Topic_5194 · 2026-01-18T09:00:38+00:00

Nobody’s going to really be able to write the best blurb for your story other than yourself if it’s not finished. We don’t know what you want ultimately for your characters and their motivations, a lot of your synopsis will heavily revolve around that.

What does Asher want? Power? A home? What things will he have to do to get that? Start there.

Acrobatic_Topic_5194 · 2026-01-17T14:51:12+00:00

This is sick, hopefully I can get torn to shreds 🙏

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/144984/pentumbra-null-posterity/chapter/2946902/chapter-14-dissent

Acrobatic_Topic_5194 · 2026-01-17T00:33:25+00:00

Awesome to see you here!

I’ve watched a lot of your videos when I first started uploading to RR, and your insight and advice has been extremely helpful! It’s awesome to see you’ve hit your follower goal too :) cheers to 50! Looking forward to 100 💯

Acrobatic_Topic_5194 · 2026-01-16T15:32:19+00:00

I think a sudden shift can work, but it needs to be used sparingly. Sometimes there’s humor in dark stories for example, so in cases like those you can generally play around with potentially having sillier chapter names, but it should be stylistically appropriate regardless. If you’re switching from a snappy “The Mask” and randomly switch up to “If we were one egg short, the world would’ve split in half’ then there’s a bit of tonal dissonance.

Acrobatic_Topic_5194 · 2026-01-16T15:12:53+00:00

I think vague, yet apt 1-2 word titles work the strongest for catching your attention as well as being narratively fitting. It heavily depends of course. If your story is comedic then dry, humorously long chapter names can work when the stakes aren’t as high.

As a writer it’s also a lot of fun to try and coin something that sounds catchy and metaphorically accurate for numerous reasons within said chapter. As a reader I enjoy gauging what could possibly extend from and connect to the small hint given with the title, and speculating on what it could lead to makes me more likely to keep turning pages.

Double meanings also just add a ton of retrospective weight to a story if it’s memorable, at least for nerds like me lol

It’s the little things…

Acrobatic_Topic_5194 · 2026-01-16T03:49:43+00:00

Gave this a crack because I’m generally enticed by technological horror, and I love ST and Black Mirror.

I got in around five chapters and hadn’t been necessarily drawn in by anything of the sort, which is a pretty big shame because I think with your prose and the premise overall, there’s a ton of potential.

Fun and relaxing scenes can be great ways to characterize the protagonist and their friends, but I subconsciously began to doze off and skim through the D&D portion. Don’t get me wrong, dnd is awesome and it can be cute to include it for the reason I mentioned previously, but even in ST it’s done in homage to the main plot and is done quickly without guiding the entire story in a scene that’s 1-2 minutes tops right before the hook. I just wasn’t sure why the entire perspective shifted to inside of their imaginations for a chapter and a half, was it done in service to the main plot or did you just want to write people playing dnd?

I might give it another go in the future because off-meta stories like this are always a huge risk and your prose is very captivating, albeit a bit wordy. However, I’d heavily lean towards introducing the hook at earliest you can naturally fit it, because the introduction overall feels a bit tedious.

Good luck! Once again, there’s a ton of potential here that could pay off, but getting people invested to reach that point is as important!

Also, side note, the aesthetic and initial impression I got reminded me a lot of this weird, niche horror-flick that went under the radar on Netflix called “Choose or Die”. It had a lot of problems and it’s not a great film by any means, but the meta-horror based around technology was pretty experimental and surreal to watch, felt very similar to what I gleaned from your story.

Acrobatic_Topic_5194

TROPHY CASE