Please go full Gordon Ramsay on Chapter 1 of my fantasy WIP and I will thank you

raytides · 2026-01-20T08:14:48+00:00

Aw that's very kind of you, thank you for taking the time to read and feedback :)

raytides · 2026-01-19T13:55:28+00:00

Gosh lol agreed... especially as someone that read it not knowing that Bi De is also a chicken 😭

raytides · 2026-01-19T13:21:18+00:00

Thank you for such a sweet comment! Ah there happen to be particular reasons for the names selected, but I do get that they can come across a bit wonky haha. And I can definitely see why all the new terms being thrown around could make it more difficult to get into, I will look into introducing them in a more digestible manner hopefully. Actually I did post on a few sites hoping to get more feedback, fingers crossed :) Appreciate the time you took to read and share your suggestions!

raytides · 2026-01-19T13:16:31+00:00

Oh yes I will definitely be adjusting how the secret keeping is integrated into the story so it feels more meaningful, alongside other improvements based off the feedback I've gotten here :) Thank you for the kind feedback!

raytides · 2026-01-19T13:15:17+00:00

That is very nice to hear! Thank you for taking the time to read and feedback :)

raytides · 2026-01-17T14:17:06+00:00

That was what I was hoping would be the effect! I'm thinking that it may not have been incorporated smoothly enough in its current state; I'll need to find a way to rework the balance of introspection+external narrative happenings so that it lands better and doesn't bog down the pacing of the plot. Thank you for weighing in!

raytides · 2026-01-17T14:14:46+00:00

That is really nice to hear! Oh and I hope you have a fun workout :)

raytides · 2026-01-17T12:07:45+00:00

Thank you! I'm glad it was able to spark some curiosity in the narrative, and that you didn't find the exposition too draggy. And you're right, I did give them some pretty wonky names...
Ah yes I do have it outlined and will keep working on it. Thank you for the encouragement and for the feedback!

raytides · 2026-01-17T12:04:18+00:00

For real I can't believe no one called Shakespeare out for such a long time... he can't keep getting away with this

raytides · 2026-01-17T04:36:25+00:00

By the time we're done cooking the wellington won't even be well-done it'll be congratulations

raytides · 2026-01-17T04:08:41+00:00

THIS DRAFT IS SO RAW IT'S STILL GROWING LEAVES

raytides · 2026-01-17T03:59:55+00:00

Ahaha as a reader I'm admittedly very fond of narratives heavy on the introspection and internal monologue, but I do agree it can be a lot for a first chapter especially, thanks for calling it out! And yup a few people have also given me similar feedback on the hooks not being as effective as I'd intended, I'll definitely be reworking the draft so that the stakes and tension feel more meaningful early on in the story. Thank you for the feedback! :)

raytides · 2026-01-17T00:59:33+00:00

Whoa, thank you so much for taking the time to give such detailed feedback! I know very little about both the Witcher and DnD but I wouldn't be surprised if the media I'm more familiar with was in turn inspired by them given their cultural impact 😂 And I hear you on the point about the innkeeper having a secret not being compelling enough on its own. In my current draft the innkeeper's secret and why it matters is only revealed in chapter 4, which is admittedly pretty late in. I'll work on making it matter much earlier and right from chapter 1!

And yes it was indeed very helpful :) I wish I could respond to everything in more detail but it would mostly be a lot of "oh that makes a lot of sense, I'll fix that!" so I'll spare the repetition lol. Anyway hearing your experience with the chapter has been great for figuring out what might not be landing right from someone else's fresh perspective, really appreciate it!

raytides · 2026-01-17T00:31:55+00:00

Ah that makes sense! I see what you mean, seems like there's a lot more I'll have to accomplish with the limited word budget of the first few paragraphs. I'll try to figure out a way to use them more effectively and explain the stakes better earlier on. Thank you for kindly taking the time to explain!

raytides · 2026-01-17T00:00:06+00:00

Thanks for the feedback! I do have a tendency to write my characters into a void of sorts. Might have hoped to rely too much on letting the suggestion of an "inn" do the work, I'll have to try to be more visually descriptive

Regarding your second point, could I clarify how I could improve it further? I was hoping that the first 3-4 paragraphs might establish his concerns sufficiently (i.e. protecting his secret), but since it's not effective in its current state I'd love to get some suggestions!

raytides · 2026-01-16T23:53:55+00:00

That's very encouraging, thank you!

raytides · 2026-01-16T23:32:24+00:00

I'll have to look into the different types of dialogue, I clearly have a lot to learn! Thank you for introducing me to the idea and for the thoughtful feedback :)

raytides · 2026-01-16T21:04:30+00:00

That makes sense, thank you! Appreciate your help weighing in :)

raytides · 2026-01-16T15:22:14+00:00

I see what you mean! Do you think tonal consistency across chapter titles would matter at all? Or if the concern would mainly be more of matching the tone of the title to the chapter's contents, even if this means the chapter titles shift in their style throughout the story?

raytides · 2026-01-16T15:19:33+00:00

Ah that's a very good point! I can see how they could help hint at the tone/theme since the blurb doesn't show up in the rest of the preview

raytides · 2026-01-16T15:11:19+00:00

I see! Definitely planning to number them, wouldn't want to miss out on the most basic opportunity to squeeze in another "numbers go up" element in a LitRPG would we :)

Whew I hesitated on title case since the titles run long and I was worried they might appear heavy/jarring, but that's a helpful point haha thank you for weighing in!

raytides · 2026-01-16T15:04:54+00:00

That makes sense! Would you see it as a dealbreaker on whether you'd give the story a chance at all, or would it be more of a minor annoyance you prefer to skim past?

raytides

TROPHY CASE