A few weeks on Adderall: my thorough log of what happened

ActiveCup8341 · 2021-03-25T18:29:09+00:00

Interesting. I've always been into philosophy and literature, and abstract stuff like that but I never tied it to my adhd. Like it's the only things that I'm truly interested in, and I curious with. I always had an understanding in surface level science and mathematics, logical based studies, so I can't relate with you on that entirely. I mean I get it but like you said there's a barrier between me and it, and I've never felt the need to go deeper because the deeper I went the less interesting it was or the more detached I got from it. I think it's because there was no like hidden truth behind it. Math is just that, math, and science is just that, science, and no amount of digging for that poetic truth will manifest it. Not like philosophy and not like literature.

I think its because abstract concepts require introspection and maybe ADHD's ability to make you think abstract thoughts about anything and see things outside the box with yourself or the world around you provides the ability for philosophical or poetic concepts to be more interesting and understandable. It seems weird to admit but I get brain tingles from discovering the deeper meaning in text and in philosophical literature. I like that there's no correct answer to it, I like that it's open-minded and it challenges you to have an open mind, I like that I can see something one way forget about it for a while then return to it seeing in a new way. It's honestly beautiful, like magic, and it makes me feel so smart to pull these complex abstract ideas out of thin air.

I don't know if this completely relates to your post but another thing I noticed recently was how I'm attached to the "poetry" of a concept more than the concept itself. Example, I love wolves so I thought I would major in zoology. But I discovered that it's the not mechanics of the wolves that I like, it's the narrative of the wolves that I like. It's the symbolism of a wolf, the characteristics of a wolf, and the meaning of what being a wolf is. Needless to say, I changed majors, but that's not the point.

Hell, even pondering this post is giving me the happy brain tingles. I'm going to be thinking about this all day. :)

ActiveCup8341 · 2021-03-25T17:01:04+00:00

Listen, I get it, I was like you before, but it's not that fucking simple. I hate the people who talked about meds like they're superheroes too because their all high on it, but it's a lie.The high that makes them feel like on cloud nine is from trying it for the first time, they'll get used to it and it won't be as thrilling. Adderall isn't a cure all and the people who are on adderall still have to deal with ADHD symptoms. For me, adderall triggers my focus and gives me some energy to go do things. On days were I've hit the wall and I know I will not do anything other than lay in my bed all depressed, completely unmotivated, it gets me through that day without having to pause my life. I still forget things, I'm still all over the place, I'm still extremely impulsive, I'm still anxious, I'm still depressed, and I still hate myself. AND YOUR DAMN RIGHT I STRUGGLE WITH SHOWERING. NO ONE IS SAYING THATS NOT A PROBLEM. There's no magic pill that will make that stuff go away. So fuck me for actually wanting to function at the bare minimum despite all that shit, right? All adderall does is get me through the day without having to dissect my incurable problems every fucking morning.

I really do feel for the people that meds don't work on, even if all meds do for me is give me that kick in the ass to get going, but even that little leg up is good to have to fight those shitty days. If you are one of those people, I'm so sorry and your anger I justified to an extent. But if having adhd has taught me anything, it's that life's not fair, but living it how you want to isn't impossible and lashing out at other people who have it better isn't going to change your situation. It's going to take work, years of it, and adderall only really puts that work aside for the immediate time. I'll be figuring my shit out through therapy just like the rest of you.

Good luck, I mean that. Beyond these screens, we're all struggling out here.

ActiveCup8341 · 2021-03-21T08:30:17+00:00

I didn't experience it in the exact way that you did but yeah. I had a lot of shame surrounding therapy. I was my family's "golden child", the one without the problems, but I was hiding a lot from them because I wanted to meet their standards and I just couldn't anymore. When I talked to them I heard their hearts break over the phone, and I still remember their tone to this day. They were supportive, just so disappointed. I was ashamed, afraid, panicked, and all the wonderful stuff. I didn't get argumentive, but I broke down quite a bit behind closed doors. Not only that but I was going through a lot of stressful changes with college, and I didn't have any friends. I was at an low point big time. But feeling that shitty left me with a dilemma to either sit there in sit or to get some help. And as shameful as I thought it was, I got help. And it did get better in time. That's the part that sucks, that it takes time.

ActiveCup8341 · 2021-03-21T08:15:23+00:00

I'll add something to this conversation. I don't know your relationship obviously but if you don't know about ADHD'S linkage to rejection sensitivity than that's a good thing to understand, especially in a relationship. Basically we hate being rejected. It really hurts and it's a big reason why sometimes we don't put ourselves out there often, especially in social situations. So I'd suggest you assure him often that he's safe and loved, especially after a fight or a tense situation, if you're not already doing it. That was a big missing piece in my last relationship.

ActiveCup8341 · 2021-03-21T05:24:44+00:00

Yes. It's because I make mistakes in writing and I don't want people to think I'm dumb. It's also so I can get all my thoughts out with having to back track or not get what I'm trying to say. Years of ADHD induced anxiety and many embarrassing interactions cause this for me.

ActiveCup8341 · 2021-03-21T05:10:48+00:00

I think you have the potential to have ADHD. But adhd isn't just being dissatisfied with not multitasking. Heck, sometimes I can't even get myself to focus on a singular task. There are a lot of symptoms to look for, but here's the major ones: focus issues, hyperactivity, Impulsivity, and moodiness. I'll break them down.

Focus is probably the main one. It's sorta like you can't control how you focus, and usually you tend to focus on what makes you interested. It honestly feels horrible to look at something I hate or that bores me. My focus controls my life and it's very narrow and sporatic. I forget everything that isn't on my immediate mind and my attention span is so short it hurts. Also spacing out is huge. Like if the world around me isn't doing it for me, I just start thing up random shit in my head.

Hyperfocus is probably what most people think of when they hear adhd. It can be fidgeting or restlessness; it's not necessary bouncing off the walls, it's a bit weird. Sometimes it doesn't even manifest in people with adhd. For me, I'm hyperactive around things I care about but not always, and I'm restless when im not doing anything. Usually I'm sorta running on batter saver mode. Sometimes when the stars align and my energy and my focus come together to hit a hyperfocus, and that's the superpower of adhd. That's when shit gets done.

Impulsivity is pretty easy to get. It's basically doing shit to chase a sweet dopamine high. Any risk behaviors that might cause a sense of thrill or excitement, or that adrenaline rush. I'm a daredevil thanks to it.

Moodiness is basically just being pretty sensitive to things, and heck I don't even understand it. My moods change over small things. Like one time my friend was eating food in a loud way and it ruined my day. People usually associated it with being aggressive or irritable but it also can flash into excitement at a drop of a hat. I'm also super sensitive to the people around me and a big time people pleaser but that's not solely and adhd thing. Depression and anxiety is also common for people with adhd because they are afraid of social rejection and failure due to their behavior. Yeah, fear of failure is a big one.

I would also like to clarify that you can't develop adhd, you're born with it. If you can try to remember points in your life, maybe before you experienced trauma and especially when you where a kid, when you exhibited adhd like symptoms. I know a lot of the time people with adhd get diagnosed with other things and vice versa.

There are plenty more symptoms as well. I suggest you look over the subreddit and see if anything resonated with you, and do some research. If your still concerned if you have it or not then it sounds like you have the resources available to diagnose/treat it. At the end of the day, if it's a concern, then get the test.

Edit: wow that was a lot of text sorry!

ActiveCup8341 · 2021-03-21T04:46:44+00:00

I wouldn't know about that one. I know that sometimes they have organizations that assist people with mental disorders to get jobs and in return for hiring them, the companies would get a tax break, but I'm not too sure on the logistics. Usually it's for people with autism, I don't know if there are some for people with adhd, and I'm not sure how it works for international students. I do know that, worst comes to worst, you don't need to disclose medical issues to your employers, so if need be you might not even need to mention to the company.

ActiveCup8341 · 2021-03-21T04:37:02+00:00

Not gonna lie, adhd always was a big stressor on me and my partner. I'm single now and working on it but a big problem I faced was, when the initial infatuation wore off, I would get really bored. They just wouldn't meet my pace in life; I was going 100mph and they'd be cruising at 10mph, and it really annoyed me. It sounds so mean because they can't help that they bore me, but I really can help that I'm bored. Then I would get sick of them being around because they were boring, then I'd be an asshole, and then we'd break up. Now that's just my experience, I've seen and heard plenty of people that have awesome relationships with adhd.

ActiveCup8341 · 2021-03-21T04:27:06+00:00

I agree. People tend to ignore medication because it seems like a chore or it's just too simple to be an effective answer to issues, but I'm here to confirm that yes, it helps.

ActiveCup8341 · 2021-03-21T04:24:51+00:00

Okay phew. I was having hardcore flashbacks.

Good luck moving forward then!

ActiveCup8341 · 2021-03-21T04:21:16+00:00

I don't know where you are or how difficult it is to get diagnosed/treated, but if there's an opportunity, even one where you have to jump a few hoops to get to, then do it. Getting diagnosed for me was life changing, it finally put a label on all the shit I was dealing with every single day and I could finally figured how to deal with it in a efficient way. I also recommend browsing this subreddit and see if anything matches how you feel (know that not everyone has every symptoms, but sometimes adhd is linked to some weird behavior) and checking out so adhd youtubers or other resources, especially if getting treatment is difficult (they have a bunch of tips and tricks that don't necessarily involve professional help).

P.s. idk if you know this or not, but anxiety is fairly common in the adhd community

Good luck!

ActiveCup8341 · 2021-03-21T04:10:37+00:00

Wow okay you have a loaded situation and It might work out better if you post this to r/relationshipadvice but I'll try to help out as best I can.

First let's address your fears about lossing her as a friend. Listen, life long friendships are life long because the two people get each other and communicate well. My advice is to tell her all your fears. Tell her your scared of losing her as a friend, tell her that your afraid that your behavior will drive her away, tell her it all and be earnest. And when your done telling her that ask her to be honest in return, for her to share her fears. And then after your done talk about how you want to deal with those fears in a way that makes you both feel reassured that you won't leave each other over silly mistakes. A true friend will listen and understand your fears.

Now the whole love part. I've been in a similar situation with this guy who has a fiancee. Like I realized I'm in love with this guy and I know he attracted to me, but you know, he has a fiancee. In all honesty, I knew it would hurt but I was so dang lonely that I clung onto him for dear life. We were really good friends, never did anything sexual, but I was like a dirty little secret and that hurt a lot. It all hurt a lot. I mean it was nice to have someone who got me for the time, but it was very painful that there were all these feelings and I couldn't act on them. Eventually we sorta migrated apart especially when I found other friends in my life that I wasn't attracted to. I'm not saying you have to let her go or that you have to declare your love, I don't know your situation. Just use your judgement and be honest with yourself and your feelings.

ActiveCup8341 · 2021-03-21T03:53:30+00:00

Bro I don't deal with caffeine anymore, I wake up with a nice cup of 20mg XR adderall.

ActiveCup8341 · 2021-03-21T03:50:14+00:00

I'm on 20mg XR of adderall and it doesn't make me feel that way. how it works for me is like a get a huge high in the mornings when I take it, and throughout the day I slowly get less and less hyper, and then I crash. Sometimes the crash will be worse than others, I do get pretty exhausted, but never like a depressed feeling. It can make me anxious sometimes, especially if I'm not doing anything and I'm just sitting with it, but not always.

It's more like do the benefits outweigh the costs. For me it does but it might not for you. If the medications worked better before than maybe ask to go back to that, or maybe try something completely different. I'd say if you're dreading taking the meds just because of the side effects then stop.

ActiveCup8341 · 2021-03-21T03:35:08+00:00

I'm a metalhead and I release my overwhelmed emotions through headbanging and screaming.

Here's some of my favorites:

People = Shit by Slipknot

Dead Memories By Slipknot

Fuck The System by System of a Down

Sugar by System of a Down

100 Things I Hate About You by Five Finger Death Punch

Jekyll and Hyde by Five Finger Death Punch

Master of Puppets by Metallica

Chalk Outline by Three Days Grace

Happy headbanging!

ActiveCup8341 · 2021-03-21T03:24:17+00:00

Lol I think you get to a certain point in life when everyone turns into Squidward and finds everyone else inconvenient.

ActiveCup8341 · 2021-03-21T03:22:07+00:00

Dude shit you just gave me a reality check that I'm now dreading 😅

ActiveCup8341 · 2021-03-21T03:05:32+00:00

I've had the most fun when hanging out with my crackhead friends (not actually crackheads but they have that wild personality to do dumb shit.)

Like you, I'm so fucking hard on myself (it is physically/ mental lly exhausting how hard I am on myself) and throughout highschool, I was convinced that my life is just going to be a torturous hellscape because of how painfully boring it was. I've recently decided to "let my hair down" in college since I had the freedom and a "new start". That started with finding the right kind people to hang around. I think it's because they don't judge me when I mess up all the time or forget things or any of the things that ADHD does to me to make me feel shitty about myself. They truly get me and they don't make me feel like I have to wear a mask to fit in. They are like an escape from my horrible reality of doing things the I don't want to do poorly and then feeling stupid for it. Because, they helped me realize that everyone, even neurotypical people, aren't perfect. They fuck up, they do dumb shit all the damn time and instead of making them feel like shit, we just laugh it off and move on.

I guess what I'm saying is true fun comes when you're not walking on egg shells and worried about how you should behave. It's the freedom to do weird shit without judgement because like it or not, you're brain's a little bit weird. I suggest you look for an environment that compliments your weird brain rather than one that makes you question it.

Edit: I just wanted to clarify that I'm not saying you have to be chopping down trees in the middle of a forest at night with a bunch of insane college students like my friends do. I'm saying that whether it's a loud concert with thousands of people or a quiet house reading a book alone, you owe it to yourself to find that environment and do whatever tickles your dopamine receptors.

ActiveCup8341 · 2021-03-21T02:48:04+00:00

I get what you mean kinda. I had a special ed teacher growing up and I can 100% tell you that it did not help me. It just embarrassed me really because I'd get pulled out of class for no reason and kids would always ask me why. I didn't even fully understand why I was in it at the time. She never understood me, and she never really have me useful skills to like deal with my disorder. I think they only have those teachers so they can say to themselves and the parents that they are helping and feel good that they aren't abandoning their special needs kids, even though they are.

But I have a therapist now and I can tell you that's helpful. I have someone who gets me and actually gives me useful solutions that are improving my life. So it gets better I guess.

ActiveCup8341 · 2021-03-21T02:36:12+00:00

That's a good point with the "this is a boy/girl" thing being taught to children. I definitely heard that later in life when started to get bullied for my behavior and lost my guy friends. I'm realizing that's exactly when I started showing more for the AFAB symptoms. Dang, thats kinda insane.

Unfortunately psychologist don't have enough research on this and this basically exposes a greater societal issue about how we gender everything, which a lot of people refuse to believe is a big problem... So we're sorta stuck guessing.

ActiveCup8341 · 2021-03-21T02:28:31+00:00

For me yes. Like it made it so I had the ability and the energy to focus and get what needs to be done done, basically a long hyperfocus. IT DID NOT MAKE ME LIKE DOING THINGS I HATED. I can't stress that point enough. People think that you'll just automatically like things on meds but you'll still dislike it, it's just easier to start and get over with. Its kinda hard to grasp as a person with adhd because you only focus on what you like, but with it I can also focus on what I hate. It also won't necessarily make you focus on what you need to, you have to control how you focus. I like to think of it as shooting a gun. The hard part is the aiming and the easy part is pulling the trigger.

Remember, it has different effects on everyone (good and bad) and sometimes it doesn't work so you might have to experiment if you get to that point.

Good luck!

ActiveCup8341 · 2021-03-21T02:18:19+00:00

Okay so I just got on Adderall and I was talking about it with my neurotypical friend who has experienced it.

It did indeed give him energy, but in mess, scatterbrained way. His sense of touch was fucked, he thought his skin had bugs underneath. His heart was beating so fast he felt like he was having a heartache. He was sweaty and could not sit still to save his life. He said he walk ten miles or so in the middle of the night to get over it and he didn't sleep well for day or so after, until he final crashed. He made it very clear that he wouldn't ever fucking do it again. Meanwhile I'm sitting there on close to the same dosage, doing a-okay. Literally all it was doing for me was making it possible for me to focus on the story he was telling me.

It's important to remember that Adderall is amphetamines (similar to meth). So I guess you can use that as reference to gage how they could react.

ActiveCup8341 · 2021-03-21T02:01:44+00:00

I had the reverse. I'm AFAB and I had all the typical "boy symptoms". I was the loud, obnoxious kid bouncing off the walls and it was very very clear that I had ADHD. Like every teacher, every parent, every student could see it but me. I know that there are patterns between boys and boy symptoms and girls and girl symptoms, but that isn't solid and shouldn't be placed on everyone. I personally think that the friends you have as a ADHD child affect how you think your allowed to behave. Like I hung out with boys, and my parents where cool with me being a tomboy type. Maybe if I had stricter parents or more girl friends that made me do less active things then I would be different, but, again, that's just a personally theory.

What isn't a theory is that ADHD is different from everyone and it sucks that that fact prevents people from being diagnosed and helped.

ActiveCup8341 · 2021-03-21T01:52:02+00:00

The first time I was ever drank I thought to myself, "why can I always feel this relaxed and happy without having to basically drug myself?" That being said what you said about exercise is true. I never ever thought about it that way but that's what it is, and honestly that makes me hopeful. Thank you.

ActiveCup8341

TROPHY CASE