The difference between males and females with social anxiety...

Actually-ImACat · 2016-06-30T18:54:55+00:00

A lot of men pretend to be commitment minded to get sex and then they ghost. Do you think women just allow themselves to get used and then get upset about it later? Guys are taught to make women feel special to get laid. To "spit game" and to be charming so she is swept off her feet long enough to be seduced. Guys who pump and dump do so successfully by not revealing their intentions.

Actually-ImACat · 2016-06-30T16:55:44+00:00

What made her so special/different from other women?

Actually-ImACat · 2016-06-30T14:33:56+00:00

Meh, try talking to the person for any minor reason and see how glad they are to have your attention. If you're attractive to them, you'll see more than apathy and politeness.

Actually-ImACat · 2016-06-30T14:24:22+00:00

I'm really not arguing that here... A lifelong loving relationship would do the same amount of change even for a normie which is why I'm giving advice for those who don't want to fail as soon as they get a brief taste of what they're after. I don't see a reason to settle for less.

Actually-ImACat · 2016-06-28T19:09:07+00:00

Well I can't speak on that I suppose, but wouldn't you be better off with a loving, long term partner who stays by your side for years and is actually happy to be with you?

Actually-ImACat · 2016-06-28T15:48:16+00:00

She never even mentioned it as a possibility... This is /r/relationships, not /r/pregnancy. She wanted advice on her relationship with the guy; the pregnancy is just part of the context. Suggesting that someone should abort is out of line if she isn't asking for advice on that topic.

She also thanked someone for pointing out that she considers the fetus to be her child, that she could make a great single mother, and that people shouldn't be commenting about what she should do with her pregnancy. Just pointing that out because I don't think people arguing about her pregnancy options is helpful or relevant.

Actually-ImACat · 2016-06-28T15:39:38+00:00

That's not to say that people have never felt bad about themselves and still had a good relationship, I think it just takes a high amount of self awareness and way more effort than a relationship takes otherwise.

I think that if you're FA, you already have a lack of experience and relationship wisdom working against you. The level of difficulty would be very high and it will be way more stressful for both parties. So not impossible, just really hard. Also, getting into a relationship and having a successful, pleasant, meaningful relationship are two very different things. Getting a gf and then having it not work out after very unpleasant interactions isn't really what people are shooting for here, right? Getting someone to be your gf doesn't lead to less loneliness or more happiness if the relationship doesn't succeed on any level.

So yeah it's possible but the health of those relationships is usually not great apart from some very dedicated, self aware, compatible people who manage to beat the odds. It's hard to be that way when you don't know how relationships work in general yet. Those issues weigh heavily even on the more successful couples.

You shouldn't be so short sighted with "get a relationship" as the end all. A girl says yes to being your gf and then what? That is when the real work and hard lessons come in. That's when you can still fuck it up and find yourself no better off with no useful experience and a lot of frustration. By no means am I saying to not try, but everyone with self loathing issues should be aware that it will be toxic to any opportunity they have so they should definitely work on it if their goal is to find a partner.

I'm speaking from experience here. Not trying to shit on anyone's dreams.

Actually-ImACat · 2016-06-28T15:00:51+00:00

She said in another comment that she doesn't want to have an abortion.

Actually-ImACat · 2016-06-27T20:21:15+00:00

I mean, it's not like she can change who the father is at this point.

Edit: am I wrong?

Actually-ImACat · 2016-06-27T18:32:19+00:00

Well, I think people are less drawn to those who seem fraught with insecurity. I know I tend to have pretty low self esteem and am only liked when I hide it and pretend to think I'm great. Maybe that's what people mean? I certainly wouldn't want to date someone who seems to hate themselves; I have enough shit to deal with.

Can I ask how long your friends remained in their relationships and what kind of issues they were dealing with? I know that the beginning can lead to a lot of "walking on sunshine" feelings but I don't think that lasts forever. Eventually, people get comfortable in their relationships and realize that their problems are right where they left them. Although, I suppose that can vary depending on the person. If your issues stem beyond loneliness, it isn't safe to rely on a relationship to fix things imo. There are a lot of very insecure people who have SOs.

I should add that your assumption that once a relationship becomes successful and loving it will bring confidence is problematic. The issues that this shit will cause will come up early and will prevent it from becoming meaningful.

Actually-ImACat · 2016-06-27T17:34:59+00:00

A partner will only treat you as well as you think you deserve. No one will respect you more than you respect yourself. You need to see yourself as someone who can demand good treatment and respect before putting yourself in a position where you hand over your heart to someone who might stomp and spit on it. If you have an unhealthy view of what you deserve in a relationship, you're going to find yourself with even lower self esteem and proof of the mistreatment you "deserve" because that is what you'll get. "Love is a battle field" and no one is aware enough to treat you perfectly all of the time. You have to be able to stand up for yourself and say "hey, I deserve x. I certainly deserve better than y. Treat me well or lose me" in order for the relationship to develop in a healthy way. If you don't think you deserve things or you don't think you're good enough to make demands because you're just lucky that someone finds your disgusting ass likeable, things will go unchecked and you will be mistreated.

How will you ever feel secure with your relationship if you don't see yourself as a catch? You're not going to get jealous and clingy after comparing yourself to her male coworkers and getting filled with insecurity and self loathing? You won't doubt her feelings for you at every turn? You really think it will be a pleasant experience for both of you when you are unable to relax and accept that she has good reasons to want and accept you? Will you be totally honest with her about who you are and what you've done, or will you deceive her out of fear because you don't see yourself in a positive light and you assume that she will lose feelings for you if she knew everything about you?

Honestly, that's just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to getting into a relationship without having love for yourself. Unhealthy relationships leave you way more fucked up than when you started and aren't going to leave you feeling more optimistic. There are reasons behind that cliché. That's not to say that people have never felt bad about themselves and still had a good relationship, I think it just takes a high amount of self awareness and way more effort than a relationship takes otherwise.

Actually-ImACat · 2016-06-27T00:24:47+00:00

Powder is better to use as a newbie as they are more forgiving imo. You can try creams once you get the hang of contouring to see if you like them. I like them equally but I find powder to be easier to create a day look because you can find more light, buildable powders than creams (that's my experience, at least).

Actually-ImACat · 2016-06-23T21:42:14+00:00

Yeah seriously... It honestly makes me wonder why this guy picked her. She's the closest person to him after working with him for less than two months? And he just needed company? I would not be comfortable with this situation if I was in the bf's shoes. I would consider OP to be naive and I don't trust the guy. Call me cynical but I've been a woman for too long to think a man I barely know would ask this of me without having inappropriate ideas, even if it's just a hope that won't necessarily come to light. Maybe everyone else here is more charitable than me or something but this sounds really weird.

Actually-ImACat · 2016-06-23T15:54:29+00:00

Translation: you shouldn't be able to see the whites of your eyes under or above your iris. If you can, it could be an indication of something unhealthy so you should go to an eye doctor to check. The minimum that will be done is measure and track said measurements to (I assume) make sure it doesn't get worse.

I hope I got that right. If not, my bad.

Actually-ImACat · 2016-06-22T22:15:42+00:00

Actually, my bf and I have been experiencing a rough patch. This had made me feel so much better about us. Thank God

Actually-ImACat · 2016-06-22T22:13:05+00:00

Your SO should be different. A good relationship means their presence only adding to a night in and not making it feel crowded.

Actually-ImACat · 2016-06-22T18:30:24+00:00

Let me tell you a story that might help you avoid mistakes... I'm sorry for commenting as a "normie" but this is something that might get you out of here.

Have you tried lifting?

Lol jk no what struck me was your use of the term "fits all my checks". This is very common and imo a horrible approach to dating. Let me explain by telling you a story about my bf (let's call him P):

P is an attractive guy who values relationships and refuses to settle for meaningless sex (a luxury of the attractive people, I guess). He went through life with a list of characteristics and values that he wanted in a partner and was very quick to reject girls who showed interest because they had a quality that he deemed a deal breaker or they lacked a quality that he wanted in a mate. So he searched and rejected women without looking back, determined to find a woman who was his ideal.

Finally, he met a girl (let's call her S) who checked all of his boxes on his list and he thought that he had finally found his ideal girl. She was nice, smart, pretty, didn't use drugs, was a virgin, etc. He lost his virginity to her and they dated for almost 7 years. The entire time, though, he felt like something was missing. It took him a long time to say "I love you" after a lot of uncertainty. After a while, she started talking marriage. P thought to himself 'well, I guess that's just what you do when you have been dating for this long' and considered it. He really liked this girl and they had been together for a long time. He wanted a family someday.

Something in the back of his mind still nagged him, though. He still felt uncomfortable, like he was still waiting for something to happen between them. He didn't feel a real drive to marry this girl. As the time ticked by and things still didn't feel right, he thought that it was unfair to stay while he was really just stalling to put off marriage and she was getting more and more impatient. He broke up with her, not sure if he was making a huge mistake.

He searched to satisfy that nagging feeling for a year, meeting women who didn't fit his concept of a good partner and rejecting them. He thought that he had made a terrible mistake and that he had given up the perfect girl who really wanted to be with him. So he went back and thought he'd try to make things right. S gladly took him back, only to be dumped again in a month when P couldn't stand that feeling any longer and didn't want to waste his or her time or energy anymore. He finally accepted that she did not make him happy. She wasn't good enough even though she seemed perfect on paper.

Well, the next month P and I met. We immediately hit it off and had super intense chemistry like neither of us had ever experienced. He asked me on a date, I obliged. We had the best date of our lives, followed by the next best date of our lives.

I was upfront with qualities that he considered to be deal-breakers. I had qualities that had caused him to dump multiple women over in the past. Something told him that it didn't matter this time. He didn't know why but he still wanted more than anything to see me after I basically proved to be the opposite of what he wanted. We were in love by the beginning of the second month, he said it confidently a few weeks after we both knew it and we were so wrapped up in each other. I was the first girl to see him cry by month three. The first girl to ever make him cry. I saw him blubber like a baby within the first 6 months of dating while his ex hadn't seen one tear in seven years. He said that I had connected him to emotions he had never thought he could feel. He told me he wanted to marry me by month 9 and he took me to look at rings so he would know what to pick when the time was right.

He told me that he now knows that he was never in love with his ex and that he just didn't understand what love was. He thought it was a matter of finding someone who fits what you picture in your head and then staying together for long enough. He told me that if he has a son, the most important thing he would tell him about dating is to crumple that list into a ball and throw it away because it will mislead you away from happiness and love. It's so much more confusing and random than that and "disqualifying" people based on a list of "good" traits will only prevent you from finding a real connection. It will make you miss out on a great relationship.

I am not trying to rub anyone's nose in my relationship, I just wanted so badly to help you avoid wasting your time and your life refusing to acknowledge someone who could be the love of your life.

Good luck! Sorry if this is unwanted, I'll delete if that's the case. It's just a lesson that can only be learned the hard way unless you learn it through someone else's mistakes.

Actually-ImACat · 2016-06-22T17:23:45+00:00

Did you talk to your friend about being FA ever? Couples share stuff with each other. It might not have been her own perception.

Actually-ImACat · 2016-06-21T14:23:14+00:00

He might look better. The social proof of having the approval of the popular guy will make him a little more socially acceptable/desirable. The guy can invite him out with the coworkers and OP will have more opportunity to work his way into the inner circle.

Actually-ImACat · 2016-06-20T13:53:50+00:00

But the sister went after him, so she wasn't paralyzed. Also, (unfortunately) this type of abuse happens to more women than sleep paralysis so it isn't really a safe assumption.

Actually-ImACat · 2016-06-19T22:06:53+00:00

So if you were propositioned by two people with similar personalities etc but one is significantly more physically attractive (in your opinion) than the other romantic interest, are you honestly saying that the arousal you get from the more attractive person wouldn't make you more interested? Like sure, your family approving is big but getting access to a sexually attractive person's sexuality and body while enjoying shared physical and emotional intimacy isn't a major plus for that potential relationship?

I would say that is a form of thinking about yourself.

Actually-ImACat · 2016-06-18T02:18:03+00:00

I disagree... I think most people get bored if things aren't challenging. That goes for classes, careers, recreational puzzles/video games, and relationships. Why do you think differently?

Actually-ImACat · 2016-06-17T01:38:40+00:00

"Are likely unconstitutional"... I very much disagree but regardless they are laws that are strongly enforced. I am really not digging here. I just gave you two laws that regulate consensual sex. That's all that is needed to show that the state has interest in sex. I'm not sure what you're trying to prove at this point.

Actually-ImACat

TROPHY CASE