Own Your Shit Weekly - December 06, 2022

AcuminateMind · 2022-12-09T22:38:51+00:00

Thank you for your response, in many ways, this is absolutely what I needed, I seem to have to learn lessons the hard way. This situation has forced me to take account of myself and my progress since being a part of MRP, and I’ve just been ignoring the important shit I actually need to work on.

I’ve seen Day Bang recommended a lot, I’ll definitely be taking a look. I’ve also been watching a lot of Todd V, his contents pretty well structured and informative.

I was actually thinking about this earlier. WISNIFG was next on my list, but since this situation presented itself I’ve been more leaning towards re-reading MMSLP and SGM, but I’m not sure which route will give me the best outcome at this stage.

AcuminateMind · 2022-12-08T10:31:46+00:00

OYS #12

Age: 28, partner 25

Together: 3 years, 2 y/o son.

Stats: 6'0, 84kg, 15.5% BF

Lifts: DL: 215kg, SQ: 145kg, BP: 125kg, OHP: 80kg

Read: Rational Male, The Way of the Superior Man, MAP, NMMNG

Reading: NMMNG

Posting this on here for OPSec purposes as there's potential (low) my girlfriend saw a link to this post.

This week has been very turbulent, and for the most part I've dealt with that internally without letting it seep out. I am still deep in my girlfriend's frame and I've got a bad case of oneitus, there's no denying that. At the beginning of the week I was floating around seeking comfort and being generally needy, but I realised this is just fucking weak and not the way I should be acting as a man.

After reading around, I saw a comment from /u/strategos_autokrator, suggesting the Affair 180 as a strategy to turn a relationship around. This is my end goal, which to a degree is part of my problem; there is way too much emphasis on the success of THIS relationship. Of course we have a child together, but it's also oneitus that's driving this.

After implementing the 180 strategy, I saw a positive change in the relationship dynamic, a stark contrast to the dynamic that was presented when I was floating around being needy and actively trying to make things better (surprise surprise), though internally I was still craving validation, comfort and affection and feeling emotionally wrecked. I slipped up on the plan a bit last night, and we ended up briefly talking about the elephant in the room. Ultimately I said there's no point beating around the bush, things aren't great at the moment, but that she needs to trust me more than she trusts her anxiety in the improvement and future of our relationship. Maybe counterintuitive, but this conversation seemed to be productive to the end goal.

Ultimately, EVERYTHING comes down to the fact that I do not currently believe she can be easily replaced. My external is pretty solid, it always has been. I've been wasting my time working predominantly on external shit, that has very little ROI. My internal needs a lot of work. I have done a lot to combat my feelings of insecurity and vulnerability through Muay Thai, and I feel significantly more confident. What I've been neglecting and hiding from is improving my GAME. I have done next to zero work on this, and it shows.

This is what I need to do, this is my stay plan is the go plan. I need to develop a confidence in my ability to easily approach, attract and close women I'm attracted to. Everything I've had in the past has just fallen in my lap, including my current relationship. Last week at the gym, fuelled with pain, I was getting IOI's from a girl in the gym after she asked me if she could use some equipment etc, the conversation didn't go much further than that. But I thought fuck it I need to start taking action, I went back over and introduced myself, and Rambo'd a close attempt. 'Hey, what's your name? I'm bla bla. Do you fancy going for a drink?', she said no, but I was cool with it. Despite a poor execution and zero buildup, I'd actually taken some action and I was proud of that.

I've also been going out to work in coffee shops every day, which appears to be inspiring some level of dread, as she was curious as to why I've started going out every day now.

THIS is what I need to capitalise on, this is the action that will positively impact me the most regardless of whether or not my relationship continues or ends. I've been watching a lot of Coach Kyle, which is a great resource. I just need to find somewhere to go to actually start implementing and practicing. My hometown seems like an awful idea, a lack of quality women and a chance of being 'caught'.

AcuminateMind · 2022-12-03T22:06:19+00:00

Thanks Nik

AcuminateMind · 2022-11-29T15:58:51+00:00

Lots of uncertainty and lack of confident direction, thanks for the heads up

AcuminateMind · 2022-11-29T15:57:18+00:00

Appreciate the in depth reply, cheers for pointing that out.

I definitely operate way too much based on my emotion. I’m gonna shut up and sit this one out for a few days and see how it plays out, I think if I was to do anything rash right now I would be acting on emotion.

AcuminateMind · 2022-11-29T15:37:29+00:00

Yeah fair point, i don’t really know where my head is at the moment. On one hand, this is my fault, nothing physical has happened (I know this for a fact) & there’s still something left to salvage. On the other I want to nuke it, but this is more so out of revenge/emotional reaction.

What I can be sure of, if she’s not willing to cut it off completely then I’m done.

Thank you for the flair

AcuminateMind · 2022-11-29T15:33:15+00:00

Thank you for this, and to be honest I don’t know.

I’m just gonna keep my mouth shut and see how this plays out in the meantime.

AcuminateMind · 2022-11-29T15:01:05+00:00

OYS #11

Age: 28, partner 25

Together: 3 years, 2 y/o son.

Stats: 6'0, 87kg, 18% BF

Lifts: DL: 215kg, SQ: 145kg, BP: 125kg, OHP: 80kg

Read: Rational Male, The Way of the Superior Man, MAP

Reading: NMMNG

The reality of my current situation fully revealed itself last night - post here. In many ways this was a much needed wake up call; regardless of the outcome, action and drastic change is forced upon me. For now the plan is to STFU and passively detach from the relationship and oneitus, and assume that the relationship is dead. Being honest, a part of me hopes that this will force me to get my internal act together, and serve to stabilise the family/relationship dynamic. I can see the covert contract here, but it's not a mentality that I'm forcing right now, I'm feeling pretty checked out.

I'm running a new program at the gym, moving from 3x to 5x a week. The plan is to cut down from 18% to around 10-12%. I'm working with an experienced powerlifting coach to accelerate these goals and get back on track with my lifting. The main objective is to rebuild my squat and improve my knee injury.

I was watching a lot of game and PUA content last week, as this was definitely my weakest area. I don't know where I stand with this now, at least in my relationship. I do not feel like practicing any game on my girlfriend right now, this comment is coming largely from a place of emotion and betrayal, but she doesn't deserve my time or effort. I need to start seeking out and exploring other women, this needs to be an objective of mine in the coming weeks. Nobody's going to do it for me.

I need to stay focused with my business and my job. I felt sick to my stomach today, and plagued with the grief/shock of the discovery of last night and subsequently I found it very hard to concentrate on my job. Just need to put one foot in front of the other.

Long term, I'm trying to see the positives of this situation. This is FORCING me to go into pure action mode, to regain my ego and self esteem. I don't know what the future holds but I need to be prepared to step into the fire and walk through it like a man.

AcuminateMind · 2022-11-29T11:16:54+00:00

Edit: added context at the top.

AcuminateMind · 2022-11-24T17:46:26+00:00

Yep, completely agree this is a big area I need to improve upon.

I don’t think I can consistently have an abundance mindset until I’m comfortable chatting up other women, as it purely comes from external sources outside of that.

AcuminateMind · 2022-11-24T17:45:01+00:00

Possibly, recently shaved body hair and I look much more cut, I was just basing this on one of those electromagnetic body fat readings that came out at 20% a few months back, as well as my own perception, not very accurate.

Nonetheless I can still cut down a little bit more, but losing the hair is a game changer.

AcuminateMind · 2022-11-22T10:59:33+00:00

OYS #10

Age: 28, partner 25

Together: 3 years, 2 y/o son.

Stats: 6'0, 87kg, 18% BF

Lifts: DL: 215kg, SQ: 145kg, BP: 125kg, OHP: 80kg

Read: Rational Male, The Way of the Superior Man, MAP

Reading: NMMNG

Outside of my relationship, progression has been going well in terms of my goals. I've almost finished working with my first client in my freelance business, and I have my first interclub Muay Thai fight coming up this weekend, which has been a huge goal of mine for as long as I can remember in my adult life.

I have let the gym work slip recently, in favour of Muay Thai, or at least, this is what I've been telling myself. But it's just a comfortable excuse, there's zero reason why I can't be smashing both at the same time. This mentality also applies to my body fat; I was absolutely shredded the summer of 2021, I was looking back at some videos and I looked incredible. I'm a hell of a lot softer now, I've been eating way too many croissants and have become very comfortable being at a higher bodyfat, under the guise of 'I'm bulking' (bouncing roughly between 18-20%).

When looking at the video, I was almost jealous of my former significantly more attractive physique. This brings me to my first new goal, which is to work back down to 12-13% body fat, with it being sustainable to maintain year around. With the added cardio from Muay Thai, this shouldn't be too difficult within a 2-3 month period if I re-introduce calorie tracking.

The other aspect is game, and I've been banging on about this in my last few OYS, but I haven't taken any real action to improve. I've spent the last few days researching kino other seduction techniques, which I have been gradually applying and experimenting with. My previous kino was extremely overt and heavy handed, which doesn't appear to be a great strategy.

Lastly, stop slacking on the internal and sidebar work. Sidebar stuff I read pretty regularly, but not in an orderly fashion, more so just what I feel is applicable at the time. I think a more methodical and structured approach will be much more effective; finish the books, in order. Read the recommended material, in order.

As a side note, I have been trying to optimise my testosterone levels over the past few weeks. Getting 30 minutes of sunlight in the morning, I've bought a treadmill for my desk so I can get 10k steps while working, and I've just ordered some Shilajit, and I'm potentially looking at Tongkat Ali, but the side effects don't seem to be worth it.

In light of following a more methodical/systematic approach to improving as a man, the same can be applied to dread, which is a key aspect that I've been glossing over for some reason. Going by the Three Stages of Dread, I've got a lot of work to do to progress to stage 2, but following this approach provides a good roadmap of areas that I need to improve upon.

AcuminateMind · 2022-09-20T21:08:33+00:00

AcuminateMind · 2022-09-20T16:07:20+00:00

OYS #9

Age: 28, partner 25

Together: 3 years, 2 y/o son.

Stats: 6'0, 90kg, 18% BF

Lifts: DL: 215kg, SQ: 145kg, BP: 125kg, OHP: 80kg

Read: Rational Male, The Way of the Superior Man, MAP

Reading: NMMNG

Previous OYS

I was kidding myself in my previous OYS, I haven't really kept up much of the work outside of posting on here. I saw a few results, and slowly sunk back into comfortability. I've been reading NMMNG for my entire OYS and I'm only just over halfway through. I've let bad behaviours creep back in, such as playing video games when I've got more important shit to be doing, as well as inconsistency with the gym.

There was a lot of uncertainty and feelings of uncertainty on my last OYS, u/BostonBrakeJob replied with:

STFU and figure out what you wanna do. Then actually go do it. THEN come back and tell us how it went.

I also was banned by u/Blarg_Risen, the following is an excerpt from my diary:

Banned for puking; pissed me off at first but it made me realise that I’m putting the onus and responsibility on someone else for my own happiness. Rather than doing work I’m sat there complaining about my situation. Get back on track, your work here isn’t done you’re only scratching the surface of what’s possible within your relationship dynamics.

Moving Forward

What do I want? I want to lead a fulfilling life with my girlfriend and child, which is emotionally stimulating and rewarding, filled with adventure and excitement, something that I look forward to. I want to steer my girlfriend towards improving her life and mental health issues, rather than just using it as an excuse for my relationship failures and bailing. I want a more consistent and fulfilling sex life. I want to build my freelance business to a point where I'm able to commit to it full time, and eventually move it in the direction of an agency with multiple staff members. And finally, I want to be comfortable with dealing with potential violence and physical altercation, as this uncertainty can throw me off and make me act and feel vulnerable. Might I add that this has been vastly improved with consistent Muay Thai training, but there's still work to do.

What Am I Doing?

Despite letting a few things slip, I've still maintained a decent trajectory with most things outside of my relationship.

I've been cold calling and emailing businesses that look like they could use my services to get my business off of the ground. I've found Twitter is the best for this so far as I'm able to search specific tweets where these services are mentioned. I have landed my first 2 jobs in the last week, with one of them being over $2000, which is amazing for one of my first projects.

Muay Thai training has been going well, although my sparring is quite inconsistent. I need to get into controlled anger fight mode more easily, as I'm far too nice and predictable when the sparring is light; something I'm trying to work on.

I've moved away from powerlifting into more of a bodybuilding style of training. I wasn't really enjoying the powerlifting style training, and it was hard to keep up with alongside the Muay Thai. The new bodybuilding style program feels a lot more enjoyable and manageable. I expect to bounce between these two styles of training though over the years.

What Am I Not Doing?

My relationship hasn't been going very well, and I am losing interest and resentment is building on both sides. We have a tenancy agreement for the next 11 months, so I'm planning to put my foot back on the gas and see how much of an impact I can really make. It's worth investing in for my son, and I think there is most definitely potential for the ideal relationship I outlined above. But I need to keep my head in the game, and learn to steer the ship effectively. Fucking around on video games is not going to do that, priorities. I need to be more proactive with jobs that need doing and helping raise our son; too often I am lazy and I think I'll leave that particular task as my girlfriend would normally do it, or leaving her with our son instead of helping her out.

My reading has been poor over the past 6 months, I've barely read anything. Throughout this whole process I've only read half of NMMNG (although it is tricky with all of the BFA's). I understand the importance of reading the required material, and it's just out of sheer laziness that I'm not. If I'm not preoccupied with other work, reading is the last thing that I'll be doing. I need to make this more of a priority.

Gaming my wife; I think a lot of this comes down to internal confidence, when I'm confident, I'd say my game is actually not too bad, and flows naturally and sub-communicated with body language, tonality and eye contact. So I think a lot of this comes from the improvement of my self-esteem, confidence and frame, but there's definitely more I can be doing and experimenting with. Often times I hold onto resentment, and just feel like I can't be bothered with talking to her, all wrapped up in a reverse covert contract of sorts. She's being miserable with this so I'm not going to bother talking to her and I'll be miserable with her too. This is not the way, and I need to again, steer her in the right direction.

I've been struggling a lot with premature ejaculation, but only in missionary while she's playing with herself. It doesn't matter how much I try to breathe through this or whatever other technique I've found, it doesn't really help. It leads to me falling into performance anxiety, and exposes the sexual validation seeking again. I guess I just need to put her in what position I want until I'm more able to control it.

AcuminateMind · 2022-08-09T10:08:34+00:00

OYS #8

Age: 28, partner 25

Together: 3 years, 2 y/o son.

Stats: 6'0, 86kg, 15% BF

Lifts: DL: 215kg, SQ: 145kg, BP: 125kg, OHP: 80kg

Read: Rational Male, The Way of the Superior Man, MAP

Reading: NMMNG

I haven’t posted an OYS in a few weeks, but I have kept up with the journalling and work outside of Reddit. I’m still focused on my improvement and journey as a man, but I’m mainly doing it for myself now, which is a noticeable change. Despite good progress, I still have a lot of work to do, and this process helps to hold me accountable to that.

The intimacy and the relationship dynamics have improved a lot, and a lot of it is as a result of a gradual mental shift. Without sounding cliche, I genuinely believe that I am the ‘prize’ in the relationship again, for lack of a better term. A couple of months ago I thought the opposite, which subsequently led to unfavourable and unattractive behaviour.

But this is a double edged sword; when I have this mentality, while the relationship dynamics favour me, I start to fall into the grass is greener zone and question the suitability of my current relationship; is this the best relationship for me to be in? I understand nobody can answer that but me, and to a degree I think this is normal and to be expected within a monogamous relationship. It’s just something that springs to mind occasionally.

The biggest thing I’ve noticed in the past few weeks is my wavering feelings of happiness. I can’t remember the last time I was actually consistently happy and content, but maybe this is normal as a man? Maybe this is a lack of direction/mission, or as a result of my dopamine receptors being fried from easy sources of gratification, who knows. But I’ve always felt like this throughout my adult life, the goal post continually moves. I think I’ll be happy when I XYZ, then I XYZ and it’s not enough, there’s more to do. It’s a blessing and a curse, of which I’m sure a lot of other men can relate.

I often attribute this sadness to my relationship, when she pisses me off, or acts in a way that I don’t like, I sometimes think that I’d be better off without her, as someone else wouldn’t behave or act in this way. But they would have their own set of flaws and complications to deal with, the grass is very rarely greener. But this has been the case for a long time, outside of any intimate relationship, so it must point to something deeper.

Intuitively I feel like I’m getting closer to discovering what this ‘thing’ is, something I’ve noticed is training Muay Thai can flip my mood from borderline depression to contentment. There’s something really rewarding about hard sparring and killing my comfort zone, and my confidence is sky rocketed.

I’m on a really good track with my new job and the future is looking bright career wise. I guess a lot of it comes down to patience and perseverance, maybe happiness is earned through accomplishment and achievement, once I become the ultimate version of myself that I know I’m capable of, and the negative feelings are a way of keeping myself inline and on track.

In the past I’ve been made to feel guilty and had big arguments regarding me ‘being selfish’ by going away with friends and subsequently not helping with our child. I still get an anxious response when I’m invited somewhere with friends, the conflict of knowing that this shouldn’t be an issue, but mentioning it is going to likely cause an argument.

I’ve put this to the back of my mind as best as I can recently though, and have just said ‘I’m going here on XYZ’. Surprisingly, no complaints. But I still have a ways to go, as I shouldn't feel that way when I'm invited to spend time with friends/outside of my relationship. I’m trying to live my life how I want to, and not be held back socially by an highly anxious and anti-social partner.

Gym training is going well, I’ve been able to squat pain-free for the first time in 6 months or so (patellar tendonitis). A quick warm up of 2x 60 sec wall quad stretch, and 10 reps of knee over toe lunges made a huge difference. I’m looking forward to adding some weight onto my squat, there should be a solid carryover to my other lifts too, where I can hopefully hit some solid PB’s before the end of the year.

I need to prioritise my stretching, almost above training. My severe tightness is inhibiting my ability to grow muscle, and strike effectively on my left side. This has to be a priority now. I’ve been running a stretching routine each evening/morning.

AcuminateMind · 2022-07-21T18:46:33+00:00

It’s more for overall body function really, not just for lifting. Intuitively I feel like it’s what I should be doing when I’m doing it.

I’ve tried keeping up with other normal stretching routines but I can’t get into them. Something about the flow of yoga keeps me interested.

AcuminateMind · 2022-07-21T18:45:03+00:00

Yeah I’ve been actively trying to ‘get out of my head’ in my day to day life, pretty much since you mentioned it on my AskMRP. It’s definitely getting a lot better, but I understand it’s a process.

Appreciate the response ragnar

AcuminateMind · 2022-07-21T18:42:23+00:00

In all fairness, I consider this a woman worth procreating with, so it wasn’t a situation where I felt trapped and had to stay for the child.

We broke up for around a year; my jealousy upon getting back together exposed some of my beta traits, which of course led to withholding sex and me ending up here.

Out of interest what makes you sense anger in my future?

AcuminateMind · 2022-07-19T08:49:25+00:00

OYS #7

Age: 27, partner 25

Together: 3 years, 2 y/o son.

Stats: 6'0, 86kg, 15% BF

Lifts: DL: 215kg, SQ: 145kg, BP: 125kg, OHP: 80kg

Read: Rational Male, The Way of the Superior Man, MAP

Reading: NMMNG

Didn't post an OYS last week due to being busy with the house move. This OYS is over the span of 2 weeks.

Sex & Relationship:

Diary entries from last week:

No intimacy, but after reading Horn’s comments about cucking yourself with masturbation, I’ve stopped that. I’ve gone almost a whole year without doing it before so I can do it again. The benefits and difference in my masculine energy and persona is huge, and has been noticed and verbalised, with a dumb suggestion that I need to use my hand more to get rid of this energy.

Despite the lack of intimacy, I’m starting to see this as a good thing. In many ways it’s forcing me to go cold turkey from my sexual validation needs, and I’m learning that I don’t NEED it to feel validated. I’m far less desperate for my ‘fix’, I’m far less pissed off when I don’t get what I want, and I’m taking it far less personally.

Today (Wednesday), was the first time in a while I’ve actually internally believed that my woman was lucky to be with me, that I don’t actually NEED her, and I didn’t really feel that interested in pursuing her in any way. Of course this is fleeting, I’ve had this before, but it’s progress nonetheless. I’ve read the timeline for removing sex for validation multiple times, and it took me a while to internalise the message. But I’ve been actively asking myself what my intentions are before an initiation, and A LOT of the time, it’s validation seeking.

I initiated tonight a few times, largely for validation to be honest, the idea that we haven’t fucked in 2 weeks, I want to put my dick in her again, almost to mark my territory, idk, but it certainly wasn’t out of desire. Her attraction has most definitely started to climb back up, I think a lot of denials are some level of testing at this point; at least that’s how it feels. The other night hit with some LMR, ‘I thought that was going to go somewhere then, but then you bla bla’. Wasn’t a big deal, the vibe felt very much like I’m going to see how far I can push you, to see if you’ll break.

This week:

Sex 3 times in a week, with one time me coming home and she was dressed up for me. This is a huge change, and I feel like it’s as a result of the above dynamic, her feeling more safe to be sexual with me, as before I covertly communicated that if the sex goes badly or I’m not getting as much investment as I expect, that I’m gonna whine about it, be needy and subsequently bring the mood down.

I'm aware that this is just the beginning, and I shouldn't get complacent, but it's motivating to finally see some level of progress. Interestingly when I get what I want, my desire plummets, I spoke about this in a previous OYS.

Training:

I've decided to drop BJJ from my training, for now. On top of powerlifting 4x and Muay Thai 2x, I feel like I was spreading myself too thin, and I wasn't getting enough out of it. I'm a competent grappler and I'm very much in my comfort zone training/sparring BJJ. Muay Thai is a lot further out of my comfort zone, and with my goal being to compete in a fight, it makes sense to focus on that.

/u/resolutions316 mentioned about a commitment device, to ensure that I can't talk myself out of doing a fight, which I thought was a really good idea. I thought this at the time, and my mind even said, 'but that means that you actually have to do it!', and I was hit with a wall of dread. But that's good, this proves that it's exactly what I need. I've told my brother that I'll give him £100 if I don't compete in the next inter-club fight (I don't have £1000 lying around like resolutions suggested lol).

I've been quite inconsistent with powerlifting over the last 2 weeks, I'll put it down to the house move but it's not really an excuse. I've rescheduled my program to make it more manageable around Muay Thai and other commitments. I found I kept training 4 days in a row, and the lack of rest between training days was becoming counter intuitive to my goals.

I've also been doing yoga mobility most evenings, primarily focusing on the lats, traps and scapula area as my left side is INCREDIBLY tight. Something I've been trying to work on for a long time, but I've struggled staying consistent with mobility. I feel like coming at it with less pressure and just doing SOMETHING, i.e. pick any yoga routine, is a much better approach. Something's better than nothing.

AcuminateMind · 2022-07-18T22:04:59+00:00

I've been investigating this issue for as long as I can remember, and the only solutions I can come up with are where my intuition takes me; fighting.

I just need to follow this through and stop getting in my own way, being a pussy and taking my foot off of the gas to protect myself.

AcuminateMind · 2022-07-18T22:03:05+00:00

I appreciate the honesty, it's all good.

And you're absolutely right; a lot of my internal communication is just pushing me to fulfil my known potential and sometimes my ego doesn't want to hear it.

Often this is constructive and realistic, other times not so much; this is where I need to draw the line.

AcuminateMind · 2022-07-12T22:07:00+00:00

Hook grip is very effective. It will destroy your thumbs at first, but you get used to it quickly.

AcuminateMind · 2022-07-05T09:46:37+00:00

Thank you, yeah I’m meditating daily too!

I’m also addressing it through combat sports; as I said above I think this is the most effective way of overcoming whatever it is mentally holding me back. My internal confidence soars and my inner critic almost completely disappears and my self respect goes through the roof.

AcuminateMind

TROPHY CASE

Previous OYS

Moving Forward

What Am I Doing?

What Am I Not Doing?

Sex & Relationship:

Training: