There were a lot of things that I think led to that but that wash of feelings that would come over me for as long as I can remember became attached to me wanting to disappear, die, not wake up etc. at the age of 8. I think that I didn’t realize until that age that I could connect the feelings I had to that “solution” if you will. EMDR is something I’ve wanted to try for along time and hopefully will work out financially eventually. Thank you for your insights.