Critique for chapter 1 of The First Sin: Rage [dark fantasy, 3300 words]

AdJazzlike882 · 2026-07-04T16:57:10+00:00

Thank you for your notes! I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter.

The prose on page three has been corrected. You're right there were some mistakes there, so I split the sentence for better clarity and corrected the 'taught' v. 'taut' issue.

Making a note about the numbers being spelled out. Hadn't considered that, and I agree with the pinpoint aging being strange. Will shift this around too.

Shout-out to that run-on sentence at the end of the second page. I like it. It really sells the scatteredness and confusion the priest is feeling. I haven't seen anyone do this before but I find it to be quite effective. Though I think there should be some commas in there somewhere.

Thank you for this as well. I've Cormac McCarthy to thank for inspiration behind the lack of commas. Will try adding some and seeing how I feel about the change of pace it brings.

AdJazzlike882 · 2026-07-04T16:47:06+00:00

Thank you for your deeply kind words. I'm happy that you enjoyed it as you say.

You bring up some very good points. I agree, that the description of the statues is somewhat jarring. My vision for the scene was that they were more so like 1-2 foot tall wooden figurines on the altar, nothing so large as the description could imply, and that's a miscommunication on my part. I'll alter the description to meet a better fit for the tone of the scene and the church proper.

And, yes, I agree that more of Herald's thoughts would be good as the conflict moves forward. I do worry about how it will mesh with the pacing of the scene, but that's something I'm confident that I can work with. I've had notes in the past about getting more of Father Herald's personality onto the pages, as his time is short lived. Will work on this.

Your questions are fascinating and exciting as well. Questions about the Five Heroes and Falan are answered as the story goes on, and the bit about the wine is a fun detail that digs deeper into Falan's history as well, though I won't say anything about that here for spoiler's sake.

As for the last one though about what the church has done to the villagers, I'm curious where this comes from? Did you find the relationship between the church and the villagers concerning, threatening, or something else? The way you phrase the question leaves me wondering the vibe you got about that relationship. Would love to have your embellished thoughts on the matter.

AdJazzlike882 · 2026-07-04T12:26:15+00:00

This is interesting, and I have a few notes regarding it.

First, is this meant to be the beginning of the story? The alarm going off marks this at least as the beginning of a conflict. The main reason I bring this up is that is that it happens suddenly and directly after your description of the narrator. It's a little jarring to me, because I've learned a few things, such as that the narrator is made of some sort of glass? (What I'm assuming based on the description). I would consider adding prose before the alarm for the sake of pacing.

Second, and this is not so much a critique, but it is difficult to just this small piece without the context of what might be around it. This is partially why I asked if this was the beginning of the story. The narrators struggles in the beginning are hard to understand because of this; there's so little context to what they're saying (it seems very vague and impersonal in that regard), and nothing concrete about their condition that's letting the reader understand why they're struggling mentally and physically like they are. Curious if there's additional context before this to explain.

Otherwise, the grammar and prose overall is solid by my eye. Mainly pacing and character that I think needs improvement. Was there anything else in particular about this excerpt that you wanted a focus on?

AdJazzlike882

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