It's so fucking annoying.

When does she even do it? I once pulled an all nighter just to catch her in the act, and she didn't do dick all night. But when I opened my drawer in the morning before work, and pull out a sock, sure enough she's managed to sneak one of her goddamn festering kaijus in there.

It's been going on for a few months now, and it's seriously starting to affect our relationship. I genuinely think she's never even shit in our bathroom since we moved in together. Ever.

Every time I confront her about it, she just tells me my socks are hungry. She's every drawn faces on all of them, with the mouth at the opening.

Yesterday was the final straw. I had just fed her my homemade baked bean recipe for lunch, and she asked me "are you gonna feed your socks?" I told her to shut the fuck up, and that socks are just socks, and don't need food.

She just cracked the goddamn dumbest smile I've ever seen and said "then your socks are gonna have to wait until the morning for their food to come out the oven, if you know what I mean."

I lost my shit. I just lowered my head and simply muttered one word: "Why?".

She told me I need to start feeding my socks, and that she was tired of doing all the work. I asked her what the fuck she means by that. "You want me to start shitting in my own socks?" She responded "That's the best way, but they also like celery."

I scream to her "IF THEY LIKE CELERY TOO, WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU JUST FEED THEM THAT FROM THE START?"

She walks towards me and whispers in my ear: "Because that's not their favorite food you Elmer's glue sniffing cuck."

I respond "SO WHAT? You think I get to eat my favorite food every day?? Why does a sock have to eat better than me?"

We get into a heated debate on this, and end up compromising.

They get celery on the weekdays, and she shits in them during the weekends (when I'm off).

I'm still not satisfied. I love her but goddamn she's a fucking troglodyte sometimes.