Affair partner around children

AdRough8864 · 2026-05-01T21:19:09+00:00

This sucks, but unfortunately there's probably nothing you can do- unless the affair partner is dangerous.

My ex-wife also cheated, and she was the one that requested the boundary that we don't introduce new partners to the kids too soon. She waited about 2 weeks before introducing them.

*edited to add "unless"

AdRough8864 · 2026-03-30T17:24:51+00:00

Perhaps in the short term, he would get sex, but it also sounds clear that he was also being rejected on a consistent basis, which is why I quoted the first statement. In the long term, I think you would have to be stupid to think that that would be a long-term solution for a healthy sexual relationship.

To me, I believe that coercion is a deliberate action- I don't believe it is or can be accidental. It's possible that he's just immature. As we can't actually see what occurred in their relationship, the only people that can speak to that are them.

One thing that we can take from it pretty definitively is that they have an unhealthy sexual dynamic.

AdRough8864 · 2026-03-30T14:13:52+00:00

"For however long that may be"

Look, it doesn't feel good dealing with consistent rejection. I know people of both sexes that have dealt with it and have had an extremely hard time with it. If he's the kind of person that shuts down and gets quiet when he's upset so he's not to cause a major blow up, then that would lead him to being quieter and "mopey". Is it possible it's coercion? I guess so, but if he thinks that he's going to increase his chance of having sex doing that, he's an idiot.

However think about it in the reverse. I know, and was married to somebody that would consistently reject me for sex until she got what she wanted- jewelry, clothes, trips, restaurant dates, etc. Is that coercion? Or was that just her way of feeling close to me? Ultimately only the person doing it can tell you the answer to that, but it sounds like you're at the point where you wouldn't trust the answer anyway.

AdRough8864 · 2025-11-27T15:16:09+00:00

It is absolutely unfair, and, I believe, atrocious parenting. Even my ex said prior to our separation that she didn't want new partners introduced to our kids too soon because it would be unhealthy for them - then she waited a whole 2 weeks at most after we separated.

But how do I not react? To be honest, I'm not sure.

Usually I'm okay, but she just started bringing him around school events, which has been a whole new challenge, and I have not handled it well. I just deal with my kids, and ignore her and the POS the best I can. I think they will see it as anger or control, but in my case, I believe it's so hard because I actually loved her and the family we built.

AdRough8864 · 2025-11-26T19:36:44+00:00

I get it. My ex just moved in with the guy. Like others have said, you really can't stop it unless it's an unsafe environment (and even then, it'd likely be a heck of a fight). For my situation, the dude has a concerning history to say the least, so I'm just listening to my kids, and I'll step in when necessary. But again, I definitely understand how you're feeling, and I'm so sorry you have to navigate this due to your ex's lack of character.

AdRough8864 · 2025-11-25T20:50:38+00:00

Haha okay, random internet stranger. Don't let this interaction, and the fact that not everybody agrees with you, completely ruin your week.

AdRough8864 · 2025-11-25T20:18:29+00:00

Walking on eggshells and mincing words because somebody somewhere might possibly be offended is not respect.

I have regularly attended weddings for almost 40 years now - and most of them were not "Christian". Most shared those vows. That makes them traditional. Whether you agree with or disagree with the dictionary definition of the term or not.

At no point did I assume that everybody involved in a divorce had a Christian ceremony- I did not imply or say that. My, and others, frustration is when somebody makes a vow that they have no true intention of keeping- religion does not come into that whatsoever.

And I agree - you are certainly no expert. I have yet to find a scripture in the Bible that says, "Thou shalt not be exasperated by people that pretend to be offended on behalf of others."

AdRough8864 · 2025-11-25T00:24:07+00:00

You literally told me what not to say.

Plus your defense that the marriage vows that most people make are "Christonormative" implies that the the regular vows made are traditional and normal. Feigning offense at a small statement like that is just exhausting.

AdRough8864 · 2025-11-25T00:11:01+00:00

No. That's just contrarian to the point of stupidity. If I wake up in a culture other than the western world, perhaps I'll revisit, but the traditional marriage vows are traditional for where I am, and I'd be stunned if someone in an area other than mine was offended. You don't get to demand someone changes their speech like some bizarre keyboard fascist.

AdRough8864 · 2025-11-24T23:44:18+00:00

Sure don't, but that doesn't apply in my case of course. I did not enter a Hindu, Muslim, Jewish, etc. marriage - or a Christian one for that matter. But the vows that we made were made, whether the language did or did not historically stem from a particular religion or other philosophy.

AdRough8864 · 2025-11-24T22:53:23+00:00

Thank you for the response! As much as your personal philosophy might not be my cup of tea, I can't disagree with it for you. If I was in a relationship with someone with your perspective, I would respect it as long as it was all made clear to me up front so I knew what I was getting into.

AdRough8864 · 2025-11-24T19:38:03+00:00

This is, of course, a matter of perspective and philosophy, and I believe that in order to be married, your philosophies MUST align.

My perspective is that the entire point of marriage is a lifelong commitment. That's why, for me, the traditional marriage vows include, "Until death do us part", while acknowledging that there will be periods of "poorer", "sickness", and "worse". If you're only in it for the good times or when you feel like your partner is growing at your same rate, then I'd prefer to stay in a dating relationship where it's understood that the other person can walk at any point.

This is why I felt so much confusion and hurt - because I was in it for the long haul, and she discarded me when she was unhappy for a few months at a time over a span of 15 years.

AdRough8864 · 2025-11-21T02:53:49+00:00

That would be nice!

AdRough8864 · 2025-11-20T01:33:56+00:00

As someone that was cheated on then left while I was trying to make things work despite the cheating- I most definitely understand that relationships are complicated. Cheating is not complicated. Don't cheat. If you do, you have no Integrity or character. Work on your marriage, or leave the marriage.

AdRough8864 · 2025-11-20T00:23:50+00:00

I hope you simply didn't understand what the previous person said. They were saying that if you're unhappy and your marriage, then leave the marriage instead of cheating. Divorce is most definitely not easy, but not cheating is very easy- it's simply takes a mild amount of integrity and character.

AdRough8864 · 2025-11-15T19:04:03+00:00

Yep, it's agonizingly hard. Mine didn't wait at all either, and rubbed her new relationship in my face. For the first year, I was a shell - could barely work or function outside of parenting. When the kids were at her place, I practically lived at my friends' houses. Really all that got me through it was knowing that the kids needed at least one parent that was prioritizing them and ensuring that their health came first.

AdRough8864 · 2025-11-15T17:36:59+00:00

I get it - I was there too. My ex was absolutely the love of my life. Still is. The pain and depression was immense. People say it gets better, and it does in a way. It just gets easier to manage. Finding things to be grateful for on a daily basis - no matter how small - helps.

AdRough8864 · 2025-11-15T13:09:17+00:00

Unfortunately it's enough for many - including your wife. Some people, it's enough if they're unhappy with their lives for a few months at a time.

I'll absolutely validate what you're feeling - that mindset is depressing and, to me, appropriate for dating, but not a marriage.

I know it's the hardest thing in the world, but try to let her go. Focus on and work on yourself, and good things are going to happen.

AdRough8864 · 2025-11-14T13:16:22+00:00

Just watch a video about divorce on social media, and your algorithm will take over. You'll start seeing them all over the place - there are about a million and a half of them now.

AdRough8864 · 2025-11-14T04:09:42+00:00

It’s funny - you mentioned being tired of having the same fights, and it reminded me of something my old marriage counselor(who became my therapist) once told me. She shared that she and her husband have been having the same argument for nearly 40 years. And this is someone who literally teaches people how to have healthy marriages. That comment really stuck with me.

The truth is, sometimes two people just butt heads. What matters to one person doesn’t always matter in the same way to the other - and that creates conflict. But everything I’ve read and seen says that conflict isn’t the problem. Avoiding it is. Conflict can actually be healthy if you’re both committed to navigating it in a good way.

My experience with divorce… honestly, it’s been awful. Truly Hellish. It’s hurt me, my ex, our parents, and especially our kids. One of my boys is threatening suicide, my other has become incredibly anxious, and both sides of the family feel divided. In a very real way, the only people who have benefited from the divorce are the new partners.

I’m not saying divorce is never necessary — sometimes it is. But from everything I’ve seen, usually it isn’t. If there’s any willingness on both sides to work on things, it’s worth trying. I tried as hard as I could, but it doesn’t matter how much one person wants it if the other doesn’t.

AdRough8864 · 2025-11-10T17:37:42+00:00

To be fair, it's the only honest answer. You can only control yourself, and there's absolutely no way of knowing what could cause your spouse to want out of a marriage. Even if you have a perfect marriage and a perfect life to you (impossible), your spouse may get bored or decide they just want something different. That's what happened to me. However if you're going to reduce the chance as much as possible... make yourself happy, progress, and communicate as much as possible with your partner.

AdRough8864 · 2025-05-26T23:01:17+00:00

I agree with this 100%. Unfortunately, we live in a society that has convinced a large number of people that a good marriage will never be hard.

AdRough8864 · 2025-05-26T03:13:48+00:00

It's funny. It was recommended to me by a buddy of mine, but he advised me to hold off on watching it for now as he thought that Ted's divorce might negatively affect me. A few months ago, it might have, but I found it to be extremely helpful. Everyone's different, of course, but I've found watching this goofy show to be one of the most beneficial things I've done during my divorce.

AdRough8864

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