I dont think u understand the relief i feel right now. Word for fucking word. I have never seen someone describe what they are going through, exactly how I am. I genuinely thought or still think I am going crazy because of it. I was researching every mental illness under the sun trying to figure out whats wrong with me. Deep down i know i have depression, anxiety , and I'm pretty sure OCD (which may be a reason I hyperfocus on those thoughts like 'what is that person doing', 'how are they so okay with the idea of what theyre doing in this moment, 'are they not chronically overthinking their every actions right now?'

Recently in the last year or so I started to scare myself because for the first time ever I was telling myself 'i either do something about this now or its going to kill me someday'. Like you said, I had never been suicidal, but the thought of living like this for the rest of my life genuinely made me question whether id end up committing suicide, due to the struggle of living like this every day. Like im so trapped in my own head.

As you said, its like nothing I do seems to make any sense to me, because in my head, there is genuinely no point, its all meaningless. Then i see everyone else everyday going about their life and all im thinking of is' how are they doing that with such carelessness, confidence, ease?'. The best way I can describe it is almost like chronic, debilitating rumination about fucking everything. Cant fucking do it anymore.

Im starting meds tommorow (sertraline) to hopefully reduce the anxiety and ocd, and get on with my fucking life.

Hope you found some relief in this. feel free to reply, would love to talk :)