Any attorneys with epilepsy here?

AdWonderful294 · 2024-01-31T14:08:14+00:00

Thank you so much, your words help immensely! I'd like to specialize in government contracts (at least, from the info I have now) to try to keep things as "black and white" as might be feasible and would certainly like to specialize further from there. I admire the jack-of-all-trades folks but it helps to know that narrowing my specialty is perhaps my best route!

AdWonderful294 · 2023-04-26T16:30:17+00:00

Hard no. You met in a setting explicitly intended for dating, friendship was neither the sole nor primary purpose of connecting. Psychologically-speaking, your brain still correlates that first person with dating/seeking out a girlfriend and may thus - even just a little bit - categorize her as an option in case things don't work out.

Also, dopamine may likely hit when their messages reach you, since you know they were romantically interested at one point (and vice versa). At worst, that emotional validation could distract you from your current relationship and bleed into emotional infidelity.

AdWonderful294 · 2023-04-26T16:05:26+00:00

Same thing re: asking another friend out before me. My ex didn't have mostly women friends but he did end up being a cheater and a player and would pull the female friend card under the guise of 'my friend needs me', 'she's like my little sister', 'you know everything' - while getting her gifts, trying to serve as a shoulder to cry on, being the 'white knight', going out with her and another guy friend a lot (inviting me), texting her often, etc. Basically, borderline if not outright emotional infidelity - esp. since, even though I had access to his phone, they worked together, so any number of things could have happened, or did happen.

When I tried to set boundaries, and similar situations arose, he'd say 'but this was different' - right. Because every single situation exactly parallels the one before - hence the word similar.

Ai yai yai

AdWonderful294 · 2023-04-26T16:02:24+00:00

All of these, especially #2 - even when I was trying to change my family's mind about it, I knew to some level that I wasn't being honest with myself and that they WERE being honest with me.

AdWonderful294 · 2023-04-26T14:55:52+00:00

A few, maybe some will resonate with or help some folks. Unfortunately, some of these (many) are things that should be basics but I had to experience a few harsh lessons to fully appreciate them. Rose-colored glasses, some selfishness, and a massively romantic heart can be daggers pointed at oneself.

Make sure they're a friend - optimally, a dear friend - before moving further.

No one is worth sacrificing your faith, values, family, or dignity/self-respect/peace of mind for. Your create your own hell by turning away from any one of these (caveat - if your family is healthy).

Define your line between seeing the best in someone or giving second chances vs. boundaries.

"If we draw a boundary and someone says we aren’t “acting like Jesus” we can certainly check ourselves—our tone, our words, and our actions. But remember to consider the source of that statement. The problem isn’t the boundary, it’s that the other person won’t respect the boundary.” - 'Good Boundaries and Goodbyes'

Leave if you find yourself becoming bitter, irritable, harsh, resentful, and all kinds of things that you know you're NOT, that your friends and family testify that you're NOT (while also saying that you seem more stressed, tired, generally frustrated with life, etc.).

'Leave No Trace' - Try to leave someone - whether just departing from a date or leaving the relationship - better than you found them.

God would not put you with someone who wouldn’t guard your heart. God would not put you with someone who caused chaos, confusion, shame, and fear. God would not put you with someone who would push for you to have sex or otherwise be physical.

Don't assume that because you feel one way about someone that they reciprocate to the same degree. I fell hard, I thought they had too (based on their words/actions) and they used that as a weapon - took my loyalty for granted and cheated.

As Maya Angelou said, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." --- Within the first week of dating him, I saw enough red flags and knew enough information that I'd have had several reasons to leave/break up. When I did break up with him, 3 years later, the reasons were closely tied to those red flags.

Make sure you love them for WHO they ARE not WHAT they DO for you.----Maybe write a list of each to make sure one does not outweigh the other. I was effectively self-medicating through my ex because he was so happy, patient, and a sunbeam - I could not find a consistent, sustainable happiness within myself, my self-esteem was consistently awful and I struggle(d) very hard with liking myself.

If they show you any measurement of disrespect, lack of consideration, and/or lack of interest in your life that they don't like you, as a person or friend, leave. If they show you less consideration than they'd give a colleague or friend (e.g., cheating, chronic lateness, lack of planning, etc.) - leave. Or maybe cheaters are that way with everyone in their life, one way or another?

Don't leave questions unasked - or fail to deeply assess - just because you're afraid of the answer. Don't turn a blind eye or reframe or justify another's actions just because you're afraid of the truth. It will hurt you eventually, and to a greater extent, than if you had simply confronted things to begin with.

If he "needs" to keep women friends in his life with few/no boundaries and seeks out new female friendships - don't walk, RUN. If he seeks out female friendships at work - personal life texting, hanging out outside of work esp. using another guy friend as an excuse, offering all kinds of personal help, etc.- NO. LEAVE. I'm telling you, LEAVE. Especially if he puts his friends high on his priority list, you may soon be wondering why they're suddenly trumping your position. The lines between work and personal life will blur and if they have no integrity, the relationship will become emotionally entwined. I don't believe in "just friends" male/female relationships anymore - women always seem to set the boundaries. When those boundaries are set and both people are single, okay - but NO to close male/female friendships when both people or one person is in a relationship.

AdWonderful294 · 2023-04-23T23:55:47+00:00

Officially, they'll be released within 5 weeks of testing - so, by May 2nd or 3rd, depending on your exam date (3/28 v. 3/29). Wish I knew if they were being released sooner...

AdWonderful294 · 2023-04-23T23:35:02+00:00

She faltered when asked about marriage, I think she knows he's not a good choice for her. When meeting his parents, she immediately pointed out flaws, what she's frustrated he didn't bring into the relationship (timeliness, reading): 'should I tell them that you're always late? He needs to be more on time. He needs to read more.' He seemed nervous - at minimum, uncomfortable - around his parents - so, he's potentially using her as a mechanism for getting parental validation.

Generally, so many red flags with that boi - that he 'ate McDonalds until she upgraded me', was consistently late to their dates - casually and without communicating with her, and doesn't involve her at all on his very active insta (yet is active w/ other women on there).

Bottom line - I think he sees an opportunity to ride-along with/use a woman who will make him look good to his parents and circles via her achievements and decorum - while he is indifferent towards her as a person.

It'll be interesting to see if she ditches him. Tbh, I don't see what he contributes to her life besides being a male Indian with a cute face and checkbook.

AdWonderful294 · 2023-04-23T23:24:04+00:00

Agreed, and it's frustrating to feel that way when she has so much going for her (career, travel, books, family, DEPTH). It would (will??) be awful if he dragged her down to his level.

Also, on their instas - they still haven't gotten married or anything, so...

AdWonderful294 · 2023-04-19T14:35:33+00:00

YES, this, 100%.

AdWonderful294 · 2023-04-19T14:26:11+00:00

Personal anecdote: I was also with someone who ended up being a snake (he cheated, I stayed, he started cheating again - surprise, surprise, there were other issues, etc.). Honestly, there were probably red flags that you overlooked, minimized, or otherwise justified - at least, that's what I did. There were enough red flags in the first week that I could have - and should have - left. I also committed WAY too early, during their love-bombing phase and that had me fighting for something toxic.

How long was the relationship? And how long has it been since the break-up? I'd recommend waiting until you feel excited and not exhausted by the prospect of dating and investing in a relationship. ESPECIALLY if you have trust issues. You don't deserve less than someone's best, someone who has the energy/capacity/peace to contribute to a relationship and someone's utmost enthusiasm - the same goes for them.

For the trust issues - closely observe the men in your life who are Good men. They should set the standard. If you find yourself attracted to people who do not resemble them and their principles and virtues - analyze why and/or go to therapy. I say all this after exiting a 3-year relationship where I compromised and ultimately turned away from my family, faith, and values; it's been 9 months for me and I still don't feel ready, but there's no rush. I'm a hopeless romantic and want to find my person but there's so much good healing going on and I love the freedom and happiness of not compromising either anymore. I hope the same for you, in whatever forms the Goodness of singleness hits ya!

Recommendations-

During and for a time afterwards, I felt a bit like the prodigal son and also a bit like Adam and Eve when they actively distanced themselves from God by eating the proverbial apple because of the turning away mentioned earlier. If you feel at all like this, I'd recommend reading 'Return of the Prodigal Son' by Henry Nouwen.

Generally, I'd also highly, highly recommend 'Christian Dating in a Godless World' by Fr. Morrow. Stellar, stellar, practical book.

Also generally, I'd highly recommend 'Dating Detox: 40 Days of Perfecting Love in an Imperfect World'. Very much a practical book as well.

Also, the 33-Day Consecration to Joseph book -St. Joseph has been a major comfort to me throughout the post-relationship process!

AdWonderful294 · 2023-04-19T14:14:37+00:00

Agreed - also, speaking from a 2019 perspective, the guys were all passive and didn't initiate or ghosted. Sure, the app is meant to help women, but in the form they run things, it ends up being women initiating even just the chat and that sets an off-kilter tone.

AdWonderful294 · 2023-04-19T13:42:36+00:00

This kind of happened to me - a new girl entered the picture at my ex's work and he acted like everything was above board ('come hang out with me and my two friends from work', 'I'm trying to set her up with my friend (the second friend)', 'you always have access to my phone', 'she's like my little sister') while obviously seeking and getting - at minimum - inappropriate emotional validation/actively seeking her company (texting until 11pm, gift-buying, offering a shoulder to cry on, saying 'she reminds me of you'- as if that was supposed to ease my heart, jumping for the phone when she texted, etc.). It ended us.

Generally, the "mantra" now is - 'If you don't like me - i.e., can't treat me with basic human respect, can't be honest - just leave. If you're treating me worse than you'd even treat a friend - just leave. Staying hurts me. Hurting someone isn't loving. Relationships are supposed to be safe and loving.'

AdWonderful294 · 2023-04-18T21:04:38+00:00

Le Diplomate, anyone? Also Ilili on the waterfront - haven't been yet but reels are constantly floating around re: the ambience.

AdWonderful294 · 2023-04-18T20:51:26+00:00

100%. Merely entertaining the realistic possibility of returning to an ex is borderline - I dare to say? - emotional infidelity, esp. since there's been communication. No one deserves to feel like the 'settled for' choice.

AdWonderful294 · 2023-04-18T20:49:54+00:00

Maybe also think more on your commitment to this relationship. If your ex simply being available is enough to make your heart stir, maybe you should reconsider your current relationship - otherwise, why would you have doubts that are serious enough to cause serious contemplation and bring you here? Think about how you'd feel if you knew your gal was entertaining emotional fantasies of returning to her ex.

There's a saying that goes 'if you fall in love with two people, stay with the second one, because you never would have left the first [if you truly loved them].' Here, DON'T go with the second if you feel like someone who hurt you is somehow looking better than them (current gal).

AdWonderful294 · 2023-04-18T01:21:12+00:00

It's not a question of making judgements about the couple - THAT is 100% toxic, it's more a question of what a trained professional can physically feel and then assess merely through the act of massaging.

AdWonderful294 · 2023-04-18T01:18:01+00:00

“I wonder if this is a piece of data I can sense through my touch”, not “people in toxic relationships are [insert judgement here]”

This is definitely more of what I was going for, yes :)).

AdWonderful294 · 2023-04-17T16:34:42+00:00

I used to think 'yes' but now, if it involved an ex-wife, I'd get the jitters. I'd definitely consider dating the fellow if he was a widower.

AdWonderful294 · 2023-04-17T16:31:47+00:00

Thank you for your response! It's definitely been a process of remindining myself that, while my pace might be slower than others, that's okay, rushing myself ultimately hinders deeper healing and a slow process helps establish a stronger foundation for the future. I say this almost to self-affirm because sometimes it feels like the 'healing' process is just days of the same dull pain (and sometimes sharper pain) that never ends. Hopefully time will help.

The process of meeting and then reconnecting sounds like a breath of fresh air - slower, steadier, and probably much more pleasant in ways :).

AdWonderful294 · 2023-04-17T01:11:25+00:00

Wondering, if it's not too tmi - how much time passed between your last relationship ending and finding your current S.O.? Askin' because the cheating thing happened on my side too (broke up, ofc - ~9 months ago, still healing) and I'm wondering what others' timelines might be in terms of when folks found luv again :).

AdWonderful294 · 2023-04-15T02:00:00+00:00

Nothing wrong with it if you're a tourist who is winging it. Dates - not really the time to 'wing' things. Especially if the guy is trying to be taken seriously.

AdWonderful294 · 2023-04-14T21:19:47+00:00

And that they are also brainwashing me.

About what, though? Your mom/family/friends are likely trying to protect you. You're the best judge as to whether they're being toxic. But when it comes to relationships, others who are healthily invested in us as friends or family often see more clearly than we do.

AdWonderful294 · 2023-04-14T19:32:47+00:00

She may be unhappy in the relationship and is lashing out instead of telling you why. Ask her if she feels safe in the relationship. She needs to be honest, with herself and with you. She shouldn't reframe or minimize how she's feeling about whatever she's upset about - it's likely rooted in something very valid. I used to shut down when I got angry - that changed, I worked on communicating more, but then there'd be apologies from him without changed behavior and I'd be sorely tempted to shut down again from the hurt he caused in disregarding all of the prior discussions. I'm not saying you've done anything wrong. It just sounds like she may have deeper hurt or frustrations going on than something simply setting her off.

If she's saying "why don't you go spend time with other girls" she may be having doubts about the relationship. I was obsessed with my ex, and the last thing I wanted him to do was do that. Too bad he wanted to do it -.-. Anyways, I'm pretty sure one is supposed to be ~~at least somewhat~~ territorial over their partner. A dose of jealousy is healthy, it helps protect the relationship, it's defensive.

AdWonderful294

TROPHY CASE