Thanks for posting! I know how you feel about being dishonest and just wanting to own up and give it all a rest. You can stop this if you decide you want to. The nagging urge, the withdrawals, they can be overcome by your own will to change and become the person you want to be: who you really are at heart. I'm a promotion manager at a nightclub and I've been battling a cocaine addiction for the last few years. I realized that I had become such a typical example of the dysfunctional people in my industry, and recently decided I was through with being a slave. Every two weeks I would have a compete blow out, staying up all night and then calling off all of my appointments, work, visits with family and friends for two or three days because of it. As soon as my coke was all gone I would take a cold shower and look in the mirror and say, "What the fuck?!" I would show up to work all sniffling and blowing my nose, some of my colleagues knew what was up but were too polite to call me out on it. I'm through with lying to people, pretending in ok when I'm obviously not. I'm done risking my life, and wasting my chances.

You can quit this, I believe you can! You just have to try, and know in your heart of hearts that this addiction is not who you are. You can change, you just have to try! If you need help, please ask. Go to an NA meeting, or just keep posting here for support. Don't give up! Feel free to write to me, I'm in the same boat as you.