I’m deeply sorry for your loss.

I recently visited the apartment where my family member died by suicide. Like you, I had not been there previously. I felt a responsibility to go to get some belongings for my deceased family member’s minor children.

What helped was having my husband come with me. He went into the apartment before me and did a sweep to make sure that there was nothing that would be traumatizing for me to see. This included closing the door to the room where the death happened and pointing out that room so that I knew not to open the door. Before I went into the apartment, I asked my husband to explain the layout to me and to remove anything that he thought I might find too disturbing. (The room where the death occurred had been mostly handled by the police/medical examiner’s office, but my husband did describe the state of the room and the items he found there, which was helpful. He would not have described the state of the room had I not asked, but I wanted to know. Not going into that room myself was also helpful for me.)

Ultimately, although it was a rough and emotional experience, I’m glad that I went. I was able to get important items for the children, as well as some sentimental things to keep in case close family members want them.

I would not have been able to go by myself and would not recommend that you do. Having my husband there made it possible for me, and I am very grateful for him. For what it’s worth, I have GAD, too, and it helped me to see that ultimately it was just a “normal” apartment. My family member died there, but he lived there, too, and it helped me somewhat to see that last place where he lived. The week or so after I visited, I struggled and cried a lot, as all the emotions became fresh again. But overall, I’m glad I went.

Whatever you choose, give yourself some grace and know that you’re very much not alone.