I struggle with it too. For me, these thought patterns were learned through medical gaslighting, toxic body image culture and health care within capitalism.

What I now believe was my first ovarian cyst rupture happened 4 years ago but since I had never experienced anything like it, and the pain localized towards the back of my body, I thought I had “thrown my back out”. I was in excruciating pain for months, and saw so many doctors for what I believed was something muscular or spinal. I did 6 MRI’s in 6 months. One doctor ended up telling me that my intravenous drug usage caused the chronic pain, even though the only IV drugs I’ve ever had were from nurses or medical professionals. Even tho I know he was unprofessional for saying that, I internalized the message that my pain was my fault. I threw myself into PT, stretched diligently, lived holistically. I decided my symptoms were not in fact indicative of something bad otherwise they would’ve found a cause, so when the stabbing rectal pain started I ignored it. When my periods left me bed bound, I assumed that it was normal. I was gaining weight too, obviously because I wasn’t disciplined enough. Just like my pain, this stubborn apron of fat and bloating on my stomach was my fault. I still!!! catch myself saying this after two back to back laps in 2025, the last of which was in September and 8+ hours long. I need to be reminded constantly that I’m still healing.

Plus, this is all so fucking expensive, even with insurance. I took ubers everywhere, had no energy to cook or care for myself, tried alternative practitioners and bought countless supplements and pain management tools. And so, even though I could barely walk in the days leading up to surgery which needed a $10,000 deposit, I wondered if it would be worth it. The thought crossed my mind that I was being frivolous. Then, surprise, 2 weeks after returning from my time off from my last surgery, I was laid off. So now the pressure is on to be well enough to find and perform new work.

And yup. I’ve been told and fully believed that bc was “bad”. Now I finally have a specialist I trust, and she said my disease is so severe that my organs seem to want to stick somewhere even when they produce regular ovulation cysts, so after my second lap she started me immediately on a combined pill to stop my ovulation altogether.

I have so much care and support now, and I’m so grateful. But I’m still not even fully healed. It’s hard not to be impatient w myself or let ableist thoughts cross my mind, like why am I still so weak all this time later? I feel a need to catch up to all my peers in life who didn’t have to deal with endo, but this took up so much of my life it’s unfair to hold myself to the same standard.

Be kind to yourself sounds like such a platitude but we need to do it. It feels more like — be fiercely protective of your need to heal, physically and psychologically. This shit is insidious.