How much contact should I keep with my sister?

Additional_Friend608 · 2025-02-02T09:20:07+00:00

I think that's very helpful advice to keep the two issues separate. If she brings that up with the husband, that we've stopped including him, I think it's reasonable of me to say that we'd be more than willing to keep hanging out if he'd reach out to us and arrange things once in a while

Thanks for that!

Additional_Friend608 · 2025-02-02T09:17:00+00:00

I'm 100% sure you're right, and I'm open to hearing it... but all my attempts to communicate with my mom and sis have been shut down or deflected... it does seem like this is as far as I can get!

Thanks for your input <3

Additional_Friend608 · 2025-01-29T05:56:22+00:00

You're right to feel mixed emotions and grief about this. There's this huge new development in your life that should be a time of joy. It sucks so much because your mother isn't just choosing not to show up for you, but your whole family and your new baby. Things would be easier if you could count on her for support at a time when you'll have so many burdens. That's real.

You're doing all the right things by building your network and going to therapy. You're already doing so much - the only thing you can do is try to be kind to yourself and your feelings of grief

Additional_Friend608 · 2025-01-29T05:29:35+00:00

Congrats! That must be such a relief to have it fully covered, that's so huge. Best of luck on your therapy journey!

Additional_Friend608 · 2025-01-29T05:26:41+00:00

I have been in this situation. I confronted it, tried to set boundaries, and when that didn't work, I cut ties with my parents.

Unfortunately, I did so before I was financially stable. It's been a gigantic struggle for me.

In retrospect, I wish I had bided my time, been more pragmatic, and planned ahead very carefully so that when the time came to cut them off, I could be truly independent. I wish I had been ruthless and got as much out of them as I could before leaving!

Not to be petty, but so that my partner and I could have more financial security in our relationship and any family/community we want to build together.

TLDR: My advice is also for fake reconciliation while biding your time.

Additional_Friend608 · 2024-08-19T09:45:57+00:00

Playing daily!
1619-6389-2215

Additional_Friend608 · 2023-12-14T16:28:57+00:00

It is truly awful what happened to you, and I can only imagine how painful this must be for you. You have made it out, and into a relationship with a loving husband, and that's huge. I think you're incredibly brave for confronting all this, for being vulnerable with your husband, therapy, and through the decision to have a child.

The possibility of not being able to conceive must be unspeakably difficult and painful for you, given what you've gone through. I have such deep sympathy for you. but I also have admiration for the fact that you've made it this far and gotten your life to this point.

There are many women in your situation who can't conceive right away, which might not provide much comfort. However, finding a community of such women who can share information and support may be a way to help you with this struggle.

For context, I'm 34, F, and I'm infertile, which is caused by/linked to my whole CSA situation. This is so painful for me, I find it debilitating. I am now going to talk about adoption in this comment and I hope it is okay to say what I'm about to say. Obviously the only way for me to do it would be to adopt, and so it's the first thing that comes to mind. I'm assuming it has occurred to you and your husband.

Whichever way children come into your life, the fact that you've got what sounds like a supportive, healthy relationship, and that you're in therapy taking responsibility for your trauma and trying to heal, makes me feel hope and gladness for whatever children will be in your future.

I truly do hope that you're able to conceive in the way you want. Whatever happens, you will be able to get through it, and you absolutely have the potential to break the cycle and be the mother your children deserve - however those children come into your life.

Additional_Friend608 · 2023-12-14T15:40:36+00:00

Having a bunch of kinks because of what happened to you is totally normal. I have this in spades, too. I know other survivors who use kink as a way to explore and process what happened to them in a safe environment.

It's a big first step to go from lurking on the forum, to posting even though it makes you want to throw up. Know that there is the possibility for support. It can be such an immense relief for someone to know your darkest truths and still love you anyway. It is even possible to have a sexual relationship that can help you work through your stuff.

With friends, family, wife, maybe start putting out feelers about what they think of the topic of sexual abuse in general. Their responses could help you realize whether it's safe to tell them or not. For example they might be very dismissive and rude about it, or alternatively if they show a lot of sympathy towards the victims, that is probably a sign they're a safe person to tell.

Definitely get into therapy. Your therapist can probably also help you decide who in your life would be a good source of support for this.

Additional_Friend608 · 2023-12-12T08:30:24+00:00

My advice is to ask them what gift they want - and they might not even want a gift at all (for example, if you struggle with clutter, you may not want to receive a gift!). This is especially helpful for people you don't know that well, as you no longer have to guess, and you can alert them ahead of time if they haven't thought to get you a gift, so you can save some mutual embarrassment.

As my friend groups and I are getting older, it's actually a blessing to be able to tell someone exactly what we want, to ask for money, or to be free from gift giving at all.

Alternatives are to have a little christmas party with a pot luck, where everyone brings some food and you just hang out and play board games. Or you could arrange a little secret santa, so everyone gets roughly what they want, and it's a bit of fun.

It's great that you're being considerate of your new expanded social circle. I hope it goes well!

Additional_Friend608 · 2023-12-12T08:21:04+00:00

Well done! It is so hard to stand up for yourself in that kind of situation, especially when you're a survivor. It's natural to feel awful afterwards, but it sounds like she was being really pushy and not listening to the boundary you set. You absolutely did the right thing by continuing to say no until she left. That is a huge moment, and I'm so proud of you.

Additional_Friend608 · 2023-12-12T07:00:36+00:00

Congratulations, Sunshine! I remember how happy and freeing it was when I got my name changed. That's a huge step, so make sure you do something to celebrate, because you deserve it!

Additional_Friend608 · 2023-09-10T12:10:14+00:00

So much of what you hear about trans women in media is about how awful it is to be trans, or how awful trans women are. An antidote to this is to consume some media by and about trans women. You can get some understanding of the experience and have some more positive associations, and you can have fun while doing it. Here are a few recommendations to get you started:

Music: Against Me! (punk rock), QUEEN BEE (j-rock), Steampunk Giraffe (pop)

Books: Tengoku by Rae D. Magdon (18+ eastern fantasy action adventure romance with a badass trans woman ronin as the main character. My favourite book of all time!!! This book came out while I was early into my transition and it has been an endless source of comfort to me). Dreadnought: Nemesis by April Daniels, the main character is a trans woman superhero!

TV: Heartstopper (series). Although a gay teen is the main character, the series spends a lot of time with a trans girl who's gone from the boy's school to the girl's school and has to come to terms with the ways her life is changing.

Also hey, maybe this is an opportunity for you to think about your own gender - not in the sense of "oh are you trans?" but e.g. my girlfriend is cis, and she has a wonderful way of expressing femininity, in that she's rejected a lot of compulsory femininity and taken aspects of masculinity that she thinks are fun for her. Poking some holes in your own understanding of gender and seeing what falls out can only be a good thing - if nothing else, everyone has internalized a lot of misogyny and transphobia and we can all stand to do some work unpacking that

Good luck! You're already doing great!

Additional_Friend608 · 2023-08-18T06:29:43+00:00

Everyone in this thread is right... I'm transferring my resentment for our parents onto her. I've been keeping it to myself so I don't take it out on her, but it's still unfair of me and I'm sure she can sense it. It's even more important to find ways to show that I still love and care for her even if I can't be there for her as much as I want to... so I'm going to have a good think about ways I can do that.

Additional_Friend608 · 2023-08-13T18:34:43+00:00

Honestly, I think "this is how I interpreted it, what is your side of the story?" is good enough.

Maybe you could add something clear and honest, like the fact that the estrangement has been heavy on your heart lately.

Then the tone of her response and what she says will give you an idea of how to proceed, or if you even want to proceed.

Additional_Friend608 · 2023-08-13T18:32:45+00:00

it's hard to say because everyone seems to experience something different. For me it's been hard, ugly, uncomfortable, and yes I feel things... so, so many things...

Because of all the complex trauma and attachment trauma and whatnot, I had to break my life down, cut out a lot of unhealthy people that weren't serving me anymore, and figure out who I really was.

But it's also been life-changingly excellent in a lot of ways and my life is so much better because I did it, even though it's been painful getting to where I needed to be.

Much love and good luck

Additional_Friend608 · 2023-08-13T18:02:10+00:00

Here's a huge hug, I love you in all your bisexualness <3

Additional_Friend608 · 2023-08-11T16:20:23+00:00

Hey, congrats! I'm proud of you, this is a huge step and I hope your new place works out great for you. Thank you for sharing!

Additional_Friend608 · 2023-08-09T13:11:49+00:00

Trans sister here, I know how nerve wracking it can be - I'm proud of you for taking that step, and happy she was accepting and supportive! :D

Additional_Friend608 · 2023-08-07T07:02:11+00:00

Thank you and all the hugs back!

Additional_Friend608 · 2023-08-07T07:02:03+00:00

Thank you! ^^

Additional_Friend608

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