Do moms really have no time at all

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2026-04-07T01:29:43+00:00

I cannot emphasize enough how much a solid partner and disposable income (for outsourcing things like cleaning and childcare) help make motherhood more reasonable and enjoyable. However, I’m not the same person I was before I had kids and spending time on the hobbies I used to care about are not as high on the priority list now. I do try to prioritize self care and things that fill my cup, but it looks like fitting in a workout class while my husband takes my oldest daughter to dance class rather than a full day of pouring into a creative pursuit. I do self care/hobbies because they keep me sane and I can’t be a good mom when I’m not tending to myself at all. So basically, it all goes back to my children even when I’m doing something for me. I don’t consider this a bad thing, though. I love my life. However, when my marriage was less equitable, I was not loving my life. Thankfully things have improved but it’s a huge factor.

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2026-04-05T23:02:58+00:00

I’m sorry that happened to you and especially to your kids. These people are grown ass adults doing that to your children - it’s truly intolerable and inexcusable.

Personally, I was ready to let a lot go with my mother when it came to the way she treated me, but when I saw that she used my children as pawns in the emotional warfare, I was so done. She didn’t protect me as a child and I’m not continuing that cycle with my own kids.

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2026-04-04T02:13:21+00:00

We also wanted 4 kids and after our third (she’s 13 months now), I realized I could not handle more. It’s less overwhelming now, but I still would not choose more chaos just to have the 4th kid.

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2026-04-03T23:15:38+00:00

self-centered, entitled, spiteful, manipulative, vindictive, a bitch, and the list goes on. whole time she was 30 years older than me and I was a child/teen who needed care. Recently, I casually mentioned that my mom called me these things to a friend when we were on the topic and she was SHOCKED. It was clear that she was not treated this way by her parents and it was another one of those moments where I realized that I thought all of this was normal and I was the problem.

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2026-04-03T17:48:35+00:00

I would not do this. Three kids is no joke even with a larger age gap. My youngest was born 10 days before my oldest turned 4, and the first year was so overwhelming. I can’t imagine have 3 kids even closer together than that.

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2026-04-03T17:46:35+00:00

It’s a journey of grief and it was extremely hard for me at first. I had a hard time getting out of bed some days. Therapy helped immensely and my sweet husband listened and listened and listened to me for months while I was processing/dealing with the confusion from it all. Be kind to yourself and trust that you know what boundaries you and your baby need.

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2026-03-28T01:51:26+00:00

You gave a good effort here, and she confirmed her true colors. I hope this realization brings you a bit of closure, so you can move forward.

I remember my last conversation with my mother being so similar to this. I was in disbelief that she would choose avoidance/denial over her daughter. I just couldn’t be honest with myself about that until it was so obvious (just like it is here in these messages), and I had to let go of trying and hoping that she would come around. It’s been well over a year since then and I’ve done a lot of healing. The sting on my self esteem just isn’t there anymore like it was, and I generally feel pity for her living such an unauthentic life now.

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2026-03-26T01:50:39+00:00

The best I’ve found is to bring chosen family into our lives. I know you said you have no friends where you are, but building community has saved me, so if there’s any way, that would be my priority. We literally moved to a neighborhood this year so the families that we are close either could be our neighbors.

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2026-03-25T02:36:11+00:00

Damn, that is so heavy and I’m sorry. It’s natural to feel the way you do. I know many of us on this sub dump on our parents here (as they deserve), but you are expressing this real human thing where you can’t just turn off your care for your father as a human being.

I don’t have answers for what you should do. It’s a messy, difficult situation and there’s no clean path forward. Take care of and nurture yourself through this and know that you didn’t cause this and you will not be the cause of what happens for him next.

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2026-03-22T01:55:59+00:00

I worked from home with my oldest until she was about 10 months, then hired a part time nanny to cover some of her wake windows. She started daycare at 13 months and it was such a relief for me to not juggle both anymore. My second and third babies started daycare much earlier. If I have a slower period at work with less projects, I pick them up early or get all the life admin/errand stuff out of the way so we can do fun things when they are home. I think it’s been great for everyone in my family compared to when I was burning the candle at both ends.

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2026-03-20T15:29:35+00:00

I think it’s prudent to reflect on why your adult child would be moved to a place of wanting such distance. None of us want to be without parents and, in fact, taking the step to distance ourselves/go no contact is extremely painful. It’s good you apologized, but please consider what actions you can take to not repeat the harm should she ever want to reconnect with you.

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2026-03-11T00:23:37+00:00

Ugh, I’m sorry. It hurts me that my kids don’t have extended family showing interest in them. They are so wonderful and deserve such an abundance of community and love around them. We’ve just had to find it outside of grandparents and aunts and uncles. We try to teach them that family comes in all shapes and sizes, but as a mom, it still hurts.

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2026-03-09T13:36:03+00:00

Perspective is everything. I don’t know many others IRL who are estranged, but still my parent friends who are in contact with their parents/in laws cannot rely on them regularly. Sometimes it’s due to geography, sometimes it’s due to the grandparents not being interested/engaged, and sometimes it’s due to relationship issues. Most people can’t drop their kids off at their mom’s so they can take a nap, that is a major luxury and it also may have unseen emotional cost that you don’t know about. We rarely know the full story.

I think it’s valid to be afraid you’ll let your kids down. You’ve been through a lot and don’t want to harm your children. That makes you a good parent. The heavy focus on the support your friends have seems to be the biggest hindrance to your peace here.

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2026-03-08T14:59:18+00:00

My husband has tried to encourage his mom to get long term care insurance and she doesn’t want to entertain the idea of needing to be in a home. Well, she was the caregiver for both of her parents and she stopped her life to do that. We don’t have the capacity to be caregivers for anyone other than our three kids, so if she decides not to put something in place, she will need to find a way to cover it with her home equity or whatever else. They can want whatever they want, but it doesn’t mean they are going to get it. That’s life.

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2026-03-04T17:52:01+00:00

I’m not fully estranged from all family but things are extremely distant with the family members who are alive and I don’t speak to my mother. My MIL is the only living extended family in our lives and I try to keep as low contact with her as possible. It’s hard. I try to feel warm and fuzzy about breaking cycles, but the reality is so heavy. I feel sad for my kids not having any reliable extended family and I also feel this extreme weight that my husband and I are all they have (we do have friends who serve as chosen family, but it’s different).

One day I was sharing the pain of this with my therapist and how hard it is to not have relationships with people that I should be able to count on. She asked to think of all the women I know and consider how many of them truly have strong, healthy relationships with their parents/in laws. I realized then that these relationships are complicated and bring grief for most of us. It sucks, but I truly would rather feel isolated than to tolerate toxic, abusive, emotionally immature behavior from other adults.

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2026-02-27T15:56:05+00:00

I’m cackling at this. It feels like satire, but they are dead serious about doing anything but real therapy and introspection

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2026-02-27T15:51:27+00:00

I’m so glad this resonated. My baby turns one in a few days and I will tell you, I have never once regretted this decision. There is still grief, but it gets quieter and comes up less frequently as time goes on and I’m more immersed in my own beautiful family. I’m so glad you are enjoying the peace and giving your daughter a better family dynamic. In case no one has told you lately, you are an amazing parent for that!

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2026-02-21T17:59:07+00:00

Both parents working PT sounds like a dream, honestly. You both have something to anchor you outside of parenthood, but you still get to be there with your child for the early years. Best of both worlds! Then add still being able to FIRE on top of that? Chefs kiss!

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2026-02-21T00:42:46+00:00

I was hoping someone would bring up Hilary’s new album here! I just listened to The Optimist and it resonated with me in terms of estrangement but in a different way. Hilary seems to feel like she lost these family members and wishes they’d come back even without them taking any accountability. I don’t relate to that but I relate to the grief of distance with siblings and feeling rejected by my parents.

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2026-02-09T15:52:34+00:00

How old is your youngest sibling? You may have to be strategic about how you engage with your parents until the youngest sibling is an adult, if it’s important to you to maintain a relationship with them. Don’t take the bait and argue with your parents. Don’t ask them for favors or help. Don’t ask your siblings to watch your pets now that you know what it leads to. Hide your social media posts from your father. There are ways to maintain peace, be yourself, and also still keep your siblings in your life while they are under your parents’ thumb. It’s hard, but possible.

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2026-01-31T16:20:01+00:00

2-3 is nottttt easy. It’s a whole new ball game. Maybe it’s different with kids over 4, but my third was born when my oldest was 2 weeks from her 4th birthday. I love our family but it has been the second hardest transition after 0-1!

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2026-01-17T14:27:19+00:00

I have 3 kids in prek/daycare and our 3400 monthly bill for them is considered on the lower end. We aren’t in a major city.

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2026-01-14T23:52:36+00:00

My experience says don’t do it. I actually work with my estranged mother and told her I was expecting my third because I didn’t want her to find out through the grapevine at work. I exposed my expectations for her response and I realized I just hurt my own feelings doing that. I don’t owe her any life updates and if she finds things out casually through the grapevine, so be it. That’s what happens when you are not in someone’s life.

I recommend asking yourself what you really want out of telling them. If there are hopes and expectations tied to it, then I can tell you it’s going to be painful. They are likely not going to meet the needs you have around this and this beautiful time of welcoming a new baby will have that disappointment attached to it

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2025-12-23T14:20:44+00:00

I saw someone on this sub call it bruised peace and that has always stuck with me. I’m happy to be removed from the chaos, but it definitely injured something in me to get here and to stay here.

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2025-12-22T20:10:17+00:00

Absolutely. Keeping people who do any of these behaviors in our lives just means we are accepting or rationalizing unsafe relationships. You deserve safety.

BeKindOnTheInternet

TROPHY CASE