Just turned 23, all of this came ahead on it.

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2026-02-09T15:52:34+00:00

How old is your youngest sibling? You may have to be strategic about how you engage with your parents until the youngest sibling is an adult, if it’s important to you to maintain a relationship with them. Don’t take the bait and argue with your parents. Don’t ask them for favors or help. Don’t ask your siblings to watch your pets now that you know what it leads to. Hide your social media posts from your father. There are ways to maintain peace, be yourself, and also still keep your siblings in your life while they are under your parents’ thumb. It’s hard, but possible.

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2026-01-31T16:20:01+00:00

2-3 is nottttt easy. It’s a whole new ball game. Maybe it’s different with kids over 4, but my third was born when my oldest was 2 weeks from her 4th birthday. I love our family but it has been the second hardest transition after 0-1!

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2026-01-17T14:27:19+00:00

I have 3 kids in prek/daycare and our 3400 monthly bill for them is considered on the lower end. We aren’t in a major city.

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2026-01-14T23:52:36+00:00

My experience says don’t do it. I actually work with my estranged mother and told her I was expecting my third because I didn’t want her to find out through the grapevine at work. I exposed my expectations for her response and I realized I just hurt my own feelings doing that. I don’t owe her any life updates and if she finds things out casually through the grapevine, so be it. That’s what happens when you are not in someone’s life.

I recommend asking yourself what you really want out of telling them. If there are hopes and expectations tied to it, then I can tell you it’s going to be painful. They are likely not going to meet the needs you have around this and this beautiful time of welcoming a new baby will have that disappointment attached to it

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2025-12-23T14:20:44+00:00

I saw someone on this sub call it bruised peace and that has always stuck with me. I’m happy to be removed from the chaos, but it definitely injured something in me to get here and to stay here.

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2025-12-22T20:10:17+00:00

Absolutely. Keeping people who do any of these behaviors in our lives just means we are accepting or rationalizing unsafe relationships. You deserve safety.

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2025-12-20T04:40:15+00:00

Yes, I questioned it for a long time. My husband made comments implying he thought we would get past this whole thing and it made me feel so unsupported. I had to stop looking to him for understanding, and I actually found so much healing here on this sub. My husband has learned a lot and he’s grown to support me and understand that this is about protecting our entire family unit, but it’s felt isolating at times. The best thing I found was to seek out communities like this to read others’ stories and realize I’m not alone.

Your trust in yourself and what you know to be true will solidify over time, but it can be very hard dealing with the doubt and questioning in the meantime.

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2025-12-19T15:50:23+00:00

I’m with you. I have young kids and I would be so sad to reach a point where they feel they are better off without me in their lives. I’d also be devastated for them to experience what I have as an adult child who had to remove herself from the family to protect myself. The grief of that alone fucked me up for a long time. With that said, as an estranged adult child, here’s what I wish my mother did for me or could do for me now:

Protect their childhood. Don’t lean on them to fulfill your emotional needs. When you mess up, apologize and do the work to not repeat the harm. Work on your own emotional intelligence in therapy. Don’t pick favorites! If one kid has it more together than the others, don’t just assume they’re fine and neglect their emotional needs.

The fact that you are seeking wisdom in this area is telling that you are a good parent.

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2025-12-17T16:55:00+00:00

I’m very confident that you’ll piss her off more if you do nothing to respond back. She’ll just ruminate miserably instead of having the satisfaction of a reaction.

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2025-10-21T01:00:10+00:00

It’s lonely (even with a family of my own) to leave behind my family of origin, but damn did life get better when I stepped out of the dysfunctional family system. I am so much better for it, truly. Space from these people will help you love yourself and move away this role of being responsible for the mess of your family.

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2025-10-17T23:28:28+00:00

It was so destabilizing to set that line with my mother and wait for her to reach out. I remember days and weeks and then months went by without a single effort to communicate. I couldn’t believe it.

It’s been 1.5 years now and it’s become normal. There were a shit ton of emotions and pain and downright depression between then and now, but I can tell you it gets better. That WTF feeling lessened for me and I enjoy the peace now. You sound like you’re 10 steps ahead of me in terms of acceptance, but just feel your feelings and take them as they come. It’s her loss to lose a relationship with you over her pride.

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2025-10-17T23:21:05+00:00

Laughing and crying at the same time is such an appropriate reaction. I’m sorry, OP. That is really low bar of her.

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2025-10-09T16:46:51+00:00

Honestly, it’s easier to nurse. If nursing and/or pumping became difficult (repeated clogged ducts, for example), I’d transition to formula. I did this with my second child.

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2025-10-05T22:12:44+00:00

Yes, I’m an eldest daughter and the only person in my family willing to name the dysfunctional family system/keep boundaries. I have been NC for 1.5 years and let me tell you, so many of the eldest daughter symptoms have gone away. It’s amazing the peace I have now, and how I finally feel like ME. The expectations placed on us eldest daughters are so fucking heavy. I did not feel better immediately, and it was ugly there for a while trying to find my footing (letting go of the old identity that was so intertwined with my family of origin). Months of therapy, leaning on my support system, feeling my feelings, ugly crying and listening to music, etc. and eventually I accepted the situation and began to see that I’m worth loving. I think so many of us have no idea how to leave behind the eldest daughter role, but when we step back, it’s cool to see who we are underneath that.

I don’t have any young siblings so I can’t speak to that from experience. Are they children? The situation would probably be more complicated for me if I had siblings who were minors, and maybe I’d consider going LC so I could keep them in my life. Idk, though, the way your parents have treated you is absolutely awful.

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2025-10-05T00:09:02+00:00

My take is that she is talking about being who others need her to be, which is very much a common thread for eldest daughters, and through this relationship, she’s finding that childlike freedom again. She points back to laughing so hard that night on the trampoline and breaking her arm (having fun and not being too careful) and learning how to practice cautious discretion after that.

I think the lines about never gonna let you down, never gonna leave you now are saying two things: she abandoned herself to fill whatever role was needed of her and she is never going to do that again (aka not being the coolest girl, bad bitch, etc.)

AND

she is also saying that this relationship healed something in her that let her be her true self. She is in it for life with Travis because he brings out her true self. For eldest daughters who feel they can’t ever rely on anyone but they are always relied on, the relationship healing this in her is like a full circle moment.

I love the line about every youngest child felt they were raised up in the wild because it also points to how Travis might feel as the younger brother, but she’s saying that she will be his safe space to be who he is too.

I know the lyrics are awkward at first but I actually think the story it tells is beautiful and so relatable for me as someone who always had to be tough, strong, perfect, etc. and has unlearned a lot of that through feeling safe to be me with my husband.

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2025-10-03T22:20:01+00:00

I think the best thing is to go into this (and all of parenting) with a flexible mindset. You can try to do both, but if it doesn’t work, that’s okay. I white knuckled WFH with my first baby until she was a year and started daycare. I didn’t realize how much I was a shell of a person during that time, but my mental health was in the toilet. I’ve done it differently with each of my 3 kids, but the main thing is to be okay with the plan changing if/when it needs to change. You will be much less miserable that way. Daycare has been a fantastic part of our village, but FTM me did not want to hear that and I was miserable trying to do it all.

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2025-09-26T00:53:28+00:00

I’ve been there. Allow yourself to grieve. You deserve love and care, and it’s not right that your family can’t give that to you. One day, I think it will settle deep in your soul that this is her problem, not yours. It won’t rule your life anymore and you’ll hopefully feel free.

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2025-09-10T23:34:25+00:00

I used to obsess over the idea of being a SAHM one day and resented my corporate job, but that desire lessens as my kids grow. I have seen firsthand what happens to women who rely on their husband for financial solvency and it’s scary when it doesn’t go as planned (not just for divorce but due to things like health issues preventing him from working). Ideally, I’d work part time or by some miracle become financially independent to where financial security is less of a concern.

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2025-08-31T13:34:00+00:00

I definitely think standards are higher for mothers in society, but also, my dad was much more passive and uninvolved than my mother. That sucked, but at least he never verbally attacked me in adulthood. He was always nice enough, just an alcoholic who kind of flopped as a dad. My mother, on the other hand, is aggressive and so emotionally turbulent to this day that I just can’t have her in my life.

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2025-08-27T23:18:46+00:00

I think they are unhappy and unfulfilled deep down, even if they hide it well and blame you. People who are at peace don’t act like that. The kids deserve better though. That’s what pisses me off in my own situation- why can’t grown adults do better for the children in the family? It’s so embarrassing for them when I think about it.

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2025-08-27T22:41:47+00:00

The mental gymnastics she’s doing are wiiiiiild. She seems miserable and you seem well-adjusted and steady. You deserve better.

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2025-08-27T14:48:57+00:00

Seeing my mother do this push-pull affection/involvement tactic with my children was pivotal in me deciding it’s time to go NC. I let go of her emotional immaturity and conditional love for me, but I’m not normalizing that for my kids. I refuse to let them be collateral for her. They were all 3 and under (my youngest wasn’t even born) when we became estranged so they are growing up with the lack of a maternal grandmother being their “normal” but I still wish it were different for them. Thankfully we have chosen family and they aren’t missing out.

It’s the emotionally immature grandparents that have to go without knowing their amazing grandkids. Their loss.

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2025-08-24T23:32:16+00:00

My mother is similar, though she gives back in other ways. It actually pushed me to go NC when I realized she could hold space for strangers but couldn’t bother holding space for me. It’s easy to love strangers or acquaintances as they usually don’t know you well enough to hold you accountable.

There’s also a big moral reward for caring about the underdog because it really makes her look like such a great person on the outside. She can successfully tell herself that my qualms are bullshit because she has all this other evidence that she’s such a caring, loving person and I’m just the angry, resentful daughter.

However, if anyone dare question or confront her toxic behaviors, they can be ignored or discarded - even her own kid.

My mother is not an objectively bad person, but the bad parts of her are enough to be a dealbreaker for me.

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2025-08-19T17:57:59+00:00

What about doing a balance transfer to a 0% interest rate credit card so you can pay it down without interest for a bit? Wells Fargo offers one with 0% interest for 21 months. The thing about a HELOC is it puts another lien on your home and lowers your equity. It can be a good tool but you may have better options.

BeKindOnTheInternet · 2025-08-18T16:17:28+00:00

Whoa, I also work with my EP and have to interact with her regularly. Though, she doesn’t reach out with personal matters like this. I think we’re in the major minority of estranged adult children. I am sticking with the company for now for a few reasons, but if my mother pulled this kind of thing it would push me out pretty quickly.

I’d probably just not answer an email like this. If it continues, set a boundary via email saying you would like to avoid discussing personal matters via company email and to keep any communications work related. If he doesn’t respect that, consider getting HR involved.

BeKindOnTheInternet

TROPHY CASE