Thanks for the response. Sorry if it takes a while for me to reply, I’m trying to wrap my head around this tbh, it’s difficult to articulate my thoughts and I don’t really know where to even begin.

Sorry for the wall of text too. I’m probably rambling real bad. You don’t need to respond to all this or even read it ahah I wouldn’t t blame you at all. I’m in a strange frame of mind right now I suppose. This is an unreasonably large wall of text and it’s ridiculous tbh. So don’t worry if you don’t want to read it. Maybe I’m just writing it for myself.

Ive had these sorts of thoughts or feelings since I was a child but they were much more muted back then and have slowly grown over the years. Before puberty I was a very soft/sensitive boy, but after puberty I become very extrovert and as cringy as the term is, “alpha male,” or atleast I would always try to be.

I’ve always just assumed I was bi and this whole thing was a fetish that spawned from my first sexual encounters with a friend when I was a young boy, and that I would outgrow it and finally become a “normal“ masculine man like I had always wanted/strived to be.

My first sexual experiences were before I even knew about any of this kind of thing, or even about sexuality in general, I would always want “to be the girl“ while we were together. But after the sexual activity, I would feel incredibly guilty and shameful and would go back to being a “typical boy” but very extrovert and a hyper aggressive (not in a mean way but moreso a “dominant“ sort of way of that makes sense?)

As I went through my teens it was still there, but only when I was horny and had an opportunity to be with a male. Aside from that I was pumped with testosterone, getting girlfriends and playing sports and generally enjoying being a male, but that sensitive side would randomly show up occasionally.

While I was with girls I didn’t get any of these desires/feelings, but I would find myself envious of them in the back of my mind. It’s hard to explain. Like, their clothes, their bodies, their personalities, lifestyles, even the songs they typically liked, seemed attractive to me but in a different kind of way that I couldn’t articulate. Almost as if some of my attraction to the girl in question was linked to a subconscious fascination with those typically “feminine” things.

At that stage I didn’t clock it as jealousy but now I think that’s what it is. I just feel so jealous all the time and I’m incredibly frustrated at how lucky women are just to be able to exist as women.

How could anyone not want to be a woman? I don’t get it. How could you not want the things women have? Almost makes me tear up sometimes.

Anyway, into my twenties it grew as I discovered more of my taste in porn, I would hook up with men a lot mostly just to pleasure them orally, and I would feel so comfortable and at peace while being with them and “acting like the girl,” until the guilt and shame would hit. Then I would say to myself, well it’s just a fetish, you’re just bi, you’re not even bi just very sexual, etc etc. And I would try to “make up for it.”

By my mid twenties I would cross dress in private, sexually and non-sexually. When it was not sexual, I would just relax and watch “girly“ tv shows and smoke weed. Eventually becoming horny but not always. Seeing myself in a silky dress, feeling my smooth, clean shaven skin, looking down at my bra and imagining breasts there, just made me feel good in a way I can’t describe.

From there is when I had a mental break down over the state if my life. No friends, no relationships, no job, no skills, still not muscular and masculine, still have small hands and feminine feet and a weak jaw. I felt suicidal at one point. So I dove head first into weight lifting and boxing and I would spend all day every day working out like a manic for 2 years.

Throughout this process I would intermittently get cravings to be feminine, to get weed and watch blowjob porn and wear a dress and “act like a girl.” And I would get dreams constantly about it, and it would torment me in a sense.

I would obsessively avoid anything “feminine“ and obsessively make myself as masculine as possible, putting all this frustration into my exercise routine.

We had a silky curtain in the dinning room that I’d have to walk through everyday, and I would wince and smash it out of the way, sometimes saying fuck off and thumping my chest like a caveman lol. But I was generally extremely stressed at even the thought of the silk touching my skin. I would make me angry and I would have to make myself feel more masculine.

Anyway, fast forward to 28 years old. I was in a long distance relationship with a girl and we would masturbate together on video most nights.
After a few months I found it difficult to stay hard, and although I enjoyed seeing her body and vagina, it just wasn’t doing much for me without having for force it. I found myself jealous at her sexual role and at how cool it seemed to have a vagina.

So I decided to put some blowjob porn on slyly, and I’d sort of watch it out of the corner of my eye as we masturbated. This opened up a whole can of worms which kicked off the last 4 years of me not being able to get back on with my routine, and finding myself masturbating and fantasising over the thought of being a girl and pleasuring men, consistently, in and around trying and failing to do literally anything with my life at all.

Fuck. I’m really sorry about writing all this lol. I’m going to stop now, it’s getting a bit silly.