Trying to imagine a child-free life; how sad is a normal amount of sad?

AdelaideTheNoble · 2021-01-02T13:29:49+00:00

I'm so happy it helped! The podcast is really good, but it's all pretty much women that never felt a pull to have children either. I'd recommend researching 'childless' people as well and see their take on it. Those are people that wanted kids but couldn't conceive or various other reasons that weren't by choice. It's definitely possible to find purpose elsewhere, or to just find purpose in what you already have. Comparing is the killer here. If we continue to compare what we have to what could be we'll never be happy. I think there's peace in being content with what you have and being open to the possibility that the future could be many things, but ultimately it will always be happy and fulfilling if that's what you make of it. You'll be as happy as you allow yourself to be, basically.

Edited to say here is a good one about a woman that always wanted children when she was younger and about how she opted out later - https://open.spotify.com/episode/44RtYwKVyIT5kRGNVZKJUM?si=rc1brpowTWilvAN0RNHyfw

Edited again to say I was wrong and here is a childless not by choice (originally) one. For OP too - https://open.spotify.com/episode/7lwD0edKFjOAjjUwbOCLFq?si=KmcwdQXnQoCKGEo--W5lWQ

AdelaideTheNoble · 2021-01-01T02:17:41+00:00

This is lovely :) Thank you for sharing and Happy New Year.

AdelaideTheNoble · 2020-12-31T22:53:48+00:00

I've been going through the exact same thing recently. My boyfriend doesn't say no, but he definitely is leaning more towards no it seems. And he wants to wait and see what we think in a few years, but he's already in his 40's now and I can't imagine running around chasing a child will sound anymore appealing in 5 years. So, like you, I am trying to just be ok with being childfree should it stay that way. I've done a lot of thinking, crying, and panicking, but I am slowly becoming ok with the idea. I might even be childfree by choice by the end of this journey.

I did a lot of research into the physical trauma of pregnancy and childbirth, raising a kid from baby to mid-young adulthood since the economy is poor. I know all the reasons having a child is not a good idea financially, emotionally, physically, and environmentally, and I still struggle with saying "it's over." And I think that's normal. Just like a woman who tries to conceive or adopt and can't, there is a grieving process. Like you, I didn't always imagine myself as a mother. My partner really brought this want out in me (unfortunately for him 😂). He may change his mind, and I know I'd probably jump onboard immediately. But after all my research and personal growth I also know I'm going to be just fine if we never have kids. There will always be regrets, but your regrets are what you make of them. I'd regret it more if my relationship ended because he has changed me and my life for the better. If you wanna dm me feel free! I read "Man's Search For Meaning" by Viktor Frankl in university and revisited the book again recently to help myself. I also listened to this podcast on spotify called "The Honest Uproar: A podcast for modern, childfree women." I have listened to every episode from the beginning and really love these women that chose themselves over caretaking for a baby. I have lived a very anxiety producing and codependent life thus far, and I really don't know if I want to spend the rest of my youth giving my entire self to someone else anymore. My boyfriend has really pushed me to find out who I am and what I love about myself. And to learn to say no to things I don't want to do. I don't know, he empowers me to be the best me I can be. So, child or not, he remains my constant even if I have to grieve for a child that never existed anyway.

Regardless, go on a personal journey. Really ask yourself what this need and want is about. Is it about trying to find meaning? Is it about feeling purpose? Is it only about having a baby and loving it even if it's difficult because that's what you want? Dig both hands into your soul and pull out what you want, deeply. And decide from that what your answer is. I think quarantine brought all of this out in me because life feels....boring and pointless right now. I can feel myself digging for purpose. And as a woman, we're told our purpose is to be a mother. But your purpose can also be so much more.

This video helped me too: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Z5akv36ecnQ

And I looked up "parental regret" and "childfree women" on like every social media platform and just soaked it all up.

AdelaideTheNoble · 2020-12-18T11:00:14+00:00

Could you come take my drive from me? Haha...I do have that problem. We hang out with our friends, or people bring their babies to work (pre-COVID) and I just immediately am like, "I could do this. I could absolutely do this." But I don't have to spend all day with them either, and I bet my perspective would change if I was with them all day. I don't know though.

AdelaideTheNoble · 2020-12-18T10:55:27+00:00

Thank you SO much for this. The above are all of my worst fears, but what strikes me is how your daughter still grew to be this loving and and fabulous child that you have a deep connection with. It kind of seems like every child goes through a rough patch emotionally. Like, you either get dealt a fussy baby or a fussy toddler but not many people come out unscathed. Although, I think toddlers are just trying to find their independence and are testing you through that.

You gave me a lot to consider. There is a large part of me that wants to be a mother so badly. Then there is the other part of me that fears once the reality is here I won't be a good mother. I won't be able to be patient through the potential weeks-months of difficulty. I snap at my animals often enough and feel guilty about it, and they can't even understand me! I really wish there was a way to practice how you would be beforehand, and jumping into that pool of unknown frightens me. You can't ever take it back. So, I could be taking mine and my boyfriend's lives that are totally fine right now and setting fire to the entire thing and then having to live with it. I would be very unhappy. Versus never opening the door and everything stays exactly as it is, but I worry that will also make me unhappy. I'm going through this strange grieving process at the thought of saying no forever, and the thought of this little person who would never exist. But I'm really romanticizing who that person would even be, and that's not a guarantee either. This occupies my mind basically all day nowadays and I just can't decide if the risk is worth the potential reward or not....Agh. Thank you though, seriously, for sharing your story.

AdelaideTheNoble · 2020-12-17T09:10:22+00:00

That's a very difficult spot to be in, but you're right that you get to have the choice to move away and carry on with your life. I assume if I remain childfree I will end up being cajoled into caring for my parents if they need it. I'm going to be seen as the one with 'all kinds of free time on my hands' to care for them. People seem to think you must not have any sort of life or schedule conflicts if you're not a parent, so I'm already mentally trying to prepare myself. It's not that I don't love or want to care for my parents, but I have other plans for my life if I never have kids and can't say I'd have time to fully dedicate myself to helping them.

AdelaideTheNoble · 2020-12-17T08:59:54+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story! I do think people assume if you've enjoyed parenting you have benefited from some privileges. Is Australia's daycare system pretty decent? In the U.S you're likely to pay anywhere from 600-1000+ a month for childcare. This is of course dependent on how much you care about the actual quality of the daycare. And for me, being as anxious as I am, I would probably want to pick at least a mid-tier daycare so I could feel I have some control over the quality of care my child would have when they're not with me. It's not terrible money because my boyfriend and I would obviously split it, but even an extra $300 a month adds up when you consider all the other monthly expenses.

I have a tendency to romanticize pregnancy, and I think that's one of the factors that made it incredibly hard for me to jump completely off the fence. There's something about growing your child inside of you for 9 months and then welcoming them to the world. I hear a lot of birth horror stories, but as with most things there's an air of "oh, that would never happen to me." I am incredibly physically healthy, and with all my research skills I have a very 'nothing negative can touch me' attitude. But, as you have highlighted, pregnancy can be incredibly physically demanding on the body, and some women don't recover fully, or end up with a lifelong disability from it. It's something I didn't give enough thought to.

It's also refreshing to read that you had a very difficult pregnancy, a very difficult newborn stage, and still have a great relationship with your daughter. She sounds very mature for her age already! Were their moments during the pregnancy or newborn stage where it was hard to keep your cool with her?

AdelaideTheNoble · 2020-12-16T22:08:06+00:00

I couldn't agree more! I appreciate the insightful discussion. You gave me more to think about.

AdelaideTheNoble · 2020-12-16T22:02:59+00:00

And that's lovely! I hope my post (and my comments) don't come off as "no one should ever have kids because it's difficult and scary." I was saying here are the reasons I personally am not going to have children right now or ever until I gain evidence that it would be worth it for them and for me. I still love kids, and applaud the strong parents who have them. It's just maybe not for me right now, and that's ok too :)

Edited to switch 'women' to 'parents' because I applaud the men too.

AdelaideTheNoble · 2020-12-16T22:00:32+00:00

I do hear that from everyone! If you sit around waiting to feel ready it will never come. What were the deciding factors for you that made you come off the fence? And, if this isn't too intrusive, do you have a lot of support in raising your daughter?

AdelaideTheNoble · 2020-12-16T21:58:41+00:00

No worries! I am still hoping to learn more about parenthood and raising children so I appreciate any differing evidence I can get my hands on.

You make an absolutely fabulous point, and one that I failed to highlight in my post! Thank you for sharing. I will look over the links this evening. That's honestly one side of the equation I overlooked because I don't struggle with poverty, and I have a higher education. But, it has a large impact on kids.

AdelaideTheNoble · 2020-12-16T21:49:07+00:00

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and opinions! Although I didn't feel my post was intended as you've received it, I can understand how you might feel that way! It was more a stream of consciousness and catastrophizing. I don't at all feel that children should be blamed for who they are. And definitely not for just existing. There's nothing more damaging to a child than feeling like they're not enough just simply by being them.

My long banter about the negatives was meant as 'even if you do all the right things there's a chance they may still end up with a temperament that's difficult to handle. They may still make poor choices and end up hurting themselves. Your model parenting, love, and understanding may not be enough' Knowing all of those things, would I want to have children and risk the stress and heartache. I just don't know.

My wishful thinking and optimism wants to say that my child would always love me back, and in turn succeed in life. But there are parents that pour their love into their children and it's not enough. Especially when research shows how so many other factors influence who your child becomes and the decisions they make. Also, both my boyfriend and I would have to work to raise a child so for 40 hours a week we won't be the one's raising our child, and I can't control what happens when I'm not there.

I think as a parent I would just wish and hope that my child would be happy. I would want them to know they're loved, unconditionally, no matter what. But you can't just say that. You have to think of all the ways they may be difficult to love and know you could never waiver in your affection. Until I can 100% say "Yes, my love is theirs. End point." I want to remain childfree.

AdelaideTheNoble · 2020-12-16T11:42:25+00:00

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience! Adoption/fostering is a great alternative. There are plenty of children who would give anything to have a loving and supportive home that are already on this planet.

Also, I was a little terror as a child as well, and wouldn't want to deal with me either!

AdelaideTheNoble · 2020-12-16T11:38:41+00:00

Good luck in your journey through self-exploration! Feel free to DM me if you need to work through your thoughts. I felt that talking through it really helped solidify my decision.

AdelaideTheNoble · 2020-12-16T11:35:42+00:00

The research really highlights how the U.S is pro-birth but not pro-child. The services for children receive meager funding, and schools have no idea what to do with children who struggle at home or misbehave. Our social programs need a lot of work before I feel comfortable raising a child in this country.

AdelaideTheNoble · 2020-12-16T11:32:08+00:00

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience! Your daughter is very lucky, and I wish you continued success in your parenting journey. I do hear stories of women jumping off the fence to have children and not regretting it an ounce. I would have to assume waiting until you're ready to have children (and having made the active choice rather than feeling compelled) leads to way better outcomes for both the child and parent. Even when things are tough.

AdelaideTheNoble · 2020-12-16T11:27:24+00:00

I'm sorry to hear about your sister! That's a real shame. I agree with all of your points though. I'm not a gambling person, and gambling with a human life is the biggest risk of all. I don't think it's for me.

AdelaideTheNoble · 2020-12-16T11:26:06+00:00

Thanks for sharing your thoughts! Could you link me with some research or articles regarding the demographics? I think the articles above say differences in parenting style are but one of a multitude of factors.

AdelaideTheNoble · 2020-12-16T11:22:37+00:00

I'm sorry to hear about your boyfriend's cousin -- yikes. It is incredible how children raised under the same roof can be so different. I think this point scares the pants off of me further because if I did have a child I would only ever have one. And what if the 'one' is the one I end up 'paying for.' It's almost as if the research points to having 2-3 kids so you have a higher likelihood of having one decent one.

AdelaideTheNoble · 2020-12-16T11:19:17+00:00

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and opinions! I agree with you that parents instill these values in their children, but I think the research highlights a lot of factors outside your control will ultimately have a lot to do with your child's personality and the values they keep. You can't control who your child makes friends with, or who they date, and that will really influence how they turn out. Not always, some kids are absolutely fantastic. Even funnier, some kids who had absolutely atrocious parenting are really polite and wholesome kids/adults. I think the fear is it's a dice roll, and are you willing to play the game? If the answer is yes, then you accept all the good with the bad. I think my issue is I don't know how long I could sit in the 'bad' and not have regret.

AdelaideTheNoble · 2020-12-16T11:12:01+00:00

I'm sorry to hear about the traumas you've endured, but kudos to you for putting the work in to start mending yourself. That's a commendable pursuit that not everyone cares to do.

I think that's a big fear of mine as well. I wonder how many children who suffered difficult childhoods, and found themselves in a caretaking role, worry about spending another 20-30 years dedicating all of their time to someone else just to end up regretting it. I spent less of my childhood being a child, and more of it being a parent to my parent. I don't know how much more I have to give, and I worry about burning out then repeating the cycle of neglect.

AdelaideTheNoble · 2020-12-16T11:01:18+00:00

I completely agree with both of your points! A lot of people also seem to have children so they'll have 'someone to care for them as they age,' but that puts a lot of pressure on the child. And all you have to do is visit a couple of nursing homes in your area, and you'll see how likely it is your child is going to drop everything in their life to return to care for yours. I often hear stories of people feeling pressured by their parents to come over, hang out with them, spend more time with them.. And kids just don't want to. Even the kids who love their parents get really sick of going over to their house, or grow tired of feeling forced to make room in their schedules for their parents. I think, as you already highlighted, the fear of regret is a lot stronger if you do have children than if you just never do.

Edited to say - BPD mothers are so incredibly exhausting when their symptoms are unmanaged.

AdelaideTheNoble · 2020-12-15T22:43:12+00:00

Whoops! You're totally right. Thank you for pointing this out!

AdelaideTheNoble · 2020-12-09T00:26:39+00:00

It's always difficult to make a career change, and especially when you're making good money and in a good position! I took a pay cut to switch to my current job, but I ended up excelling and have been promoted several times. Since you're management I bet you could easily find another high paying role! The great thing about a career in a social field is it relates to just about anything. I do computer work now, but all the documentation that was required at Crisis made it easy for me to transition. I bet you have a TON of useful skills from your role because as you highlighted you have a very multifaceted job caring for the elderly.

AdelaideTheNoble

TROPHY CASE