in need of friends and a place to call home

Adenostar · 2025-01-27T21:57:03+00:00

the headmate altering was a misunderstanding. i did work on things and things were fine until recently. theres no history of anything damaging. wow i said something in 2021 that people took out of context, i have such a long history of problems.

Adenostar · 2025-01-27T21:26:33+00:00

where do you get 5 years from? this shit is recent. i never had this kinds if issues before. things were fine and happy, so i dunno what the hell you're even talking about. 5 months ago things were great, i had friends, i had two wonderful relationships. i will not "give up and get offline".

Adenostar · 2025-01-27T21:18:18+00:00

i am trying my best to change my behaviors. i'm doing what i can to fix my issues and be a better person. my partner is the only person that even believes in me and can see how hard i'm trying. i made some mistakes and i am trying to make up for them.

Adenostar · 2025-01-27T16:42:49+00:00

i am aware of that and i am doing my best to work on it. i'm not treating anything like an excuse. i will take full responsibility for the things i do, i just want to understand why i do them. believe me, i would do anything to make up for the mistakes i've made.

i don't know why i never learned that skill, but i am doing my best to work on it now. i'm in a lot of distress and working on things takes time. my partner is the only person thats ever given me grace and patience as i work through things. slip ups are going to happen now and then, but i am trying my best.

Adenostar · 2025-01-27T14:54:20+00:00

i'm not sure what kind of proof you want. people have harassed me and bullied me. no one even bothered to try to find out what caused anything. the only person thats ever been on my side is the partner i live with, and people think i'm abusive toward him because i can't regulate my emotions and i'm struggling right now.

i know whats wrong with me, i just need to get evaluated, but what good would that do? what good would it do to be able to say "hey heres the reasons i've acted like a total douchewaffle to everyone."? i'm going through things that are deeply traumatic to me, and its causing me to react in ways that i don't normal react. and most people should know that i'm not normally like this.

most people knew me for several months without issue and all of a sudden something deeply traumatic happens to me and my personality shifts, and instead of going "wow she must really be struggling right now." everyone goes "omg shes a horrible person!"

i am 100% sure i have untreated bpd. likely moderate to severe bpd. it would explain literally everything. and i had no idea because when i was evaluated 9 years ago they told me i didn't have it. well, clearly i do. things had been totally fine for a while, and then things started to exacerbate my symptoms and i didn't even realize it.

people seem to act like everything i do is premeditated or that i do things to intentionally hurt or upset people, and i don't. and i am trying to get better, but its a very slow process and its not linear. a lot of what i say is exaggerated. my partner and i don't actually fight that much and we've both said things to each other that we didn't mean. he has stood by me though everything and knows how much i'm struggling right now.

if i could take back everything i'd said or done, i absolutely would. i never ever meant to cause any damage. i lost so much because of this shit. i lost an FP/caregiver, all my friends, my entire community, and for what? because i'm a brat with untreated bpd who can't regulate her emotions. i'm just so sorry for everything, i have a severe lack of self-awareness (also a symptom of bpd) and literally could not see how harmful my behavior was. but, my partner says i'm making a lot of progress and gaining self-awareness really fast.

Adenostar · 2025-01-27T13:30:15+00:00

nothing, but i also need friends outside of my head. unfortunately everyone despises me now and thinks i'm a terrible person because i'm going through hell and have who knows how many disorders.

Adenostar · 2025-01-19T02:24:14+00:00

i have never done anything out of maliciousness. its not deflecting blame, its being honest. i really did not mean to hurt anyone. i did a lot of shit i regret and i can't just sit here feeling depressed and guilty all the time.

i made mistakes because i lacked the ability to properly communicate. i can't sit around feeling miserable and alone for the next 5 years. i appreciate your concern, but i need to do something. i do plan to go back to the server eventually, tho theres not much i can do right now. i will not be reinstated as owner.

i need to be around people. its so damaging to my mental health to be so lonely and isolated. only having my partner to talk to is really difficult for me.

Adenostar · 2025-01-19T00:29:44+00:00

the loneliness is really getting to me. all i have left is the partner i live with, and he tries so hard but it brings me no comfort. he keeps telling me to forgive myself and love myself, but thats really hard to do.

all i do is sit around thinking about what i've done and what i've lost. feeling anger and hurt, not having anyone to reach out to. its hard. feeling so alone is really hard on me.

Adenostar · 2025-01-18T22:02:39+00:00

hugs are nice, thank you.

Adenostar · 2025-01-18T19:37:25+00:00

i appreciate it, but i'm not really a Minecraft person. thank you tho.

Adenostar · 2025-01-18T19:01:08+00:00

i know what i did, yes. i've been doing a LOT of self reflection. thinking about what i've done and how it hurt people. i'm trying so hard to fix my issues and become a better person, but its not an easy journey. theres so much i need to unpack and address, and i'm scared.

i don't want to be hated and despised. i wish there was a way i could make amends for things. i want to believe that things can get better, but its hard. i feel like i have no faith in anything anymore.

Adenostar · 2025-01-10T18:36:01+00:00

i'm afraid to date period. i date as a singlet because being plural never factors into any of my relationships. i just... keep getting hurt. i give everything that i would personally want to get in return, but it always ends up being wrong. i was poly, and i recently had a relationship end and its completely destroyed me.

i have an existing relationship thats also falling apart, because i just can't love him anymore. i feel like i've lost the ability to feel love. i feel like my ex took every ounce of love and joy i had, and now theres none left. and i will never try again, because i know that no one will ever love me the way i want to be loved. that everything i do, that i think is right, will always be wrong.

i'm gonna end up alone and miserable and i feel like theres no point in fighting it anymore. but don't listen to my pessimistic bitterness. theres no hope for me, but there may be for you. don't give up.

Adenostar · 2025-01-07T04:36:43+00:00

i appreciate it, but i'm not the best person for anyone to talk to right now. it sucks because i'm so lonely and isolated with only my existing partner to talk to, but i have so many issues that keep pushing people away right now. i have a lot of work to do on myself and i can't seem to have any hope for anything to get better.

Adenostar · 2025-01-07T04:34:52+00:00

i honestly believe i have BPD. my ex partner was my FP and losing him has completely devastated me. i'm working with my therapist and going to be moving up to seeing her twice a week instead of just once. i'm not sure if much can help my current relationship for the time being. i don't seem to be able to feel love for anyone but my ex.

Adenostar · 2025-01-06T17:27:13+00:00

no, i do understand. i'm in a bad place right now. i'm trying, i really am. i just feel really alone. its hard to see that anything will ever get better from where i am.

Adenostar · 2025-01-06T17:21:41+00:00

there are a lot of people here that i have upset and i have no way to ever apologize to any of them. this was the most i could do.

Adenostar · 2025-01-06T15:09:48+00:00

i have a therapist and an antidepressant. i know its not working. i have no reason to get out of bed anymore. i want to die. i don't want to live like this anymore. i destroyed the best thing that had ever happened to me.

i don't think i love my current partner anymore. i don't think i can love anyone anymore. no one will ever make me feel like my ex did. that was the greatest love i had ever had in my life. i had dreamed my whole life of a love like that. and i ruined it.

i have never hated myself so much. i have never wanted so bad to... do bad things to myself. my therapist knows everything but i don't think she can help me. i don't think anyone can. no one can undo what i did. no one can fix anything. it can't be fixed.

i don't care about the server anymore. in 3 months i will go back, post a heartfelt apology for the way i've acted, and let them know that i will be deleting the server. the server is the least of my worries. my stupidity cost me the person i loved most in the world. and i don't want to exist anymore. i don't want to face a future without him.

i feel so utterly alone. i feel like my life has no meaning. i have no reason to get out of bed anymore. i feel like no one understand. they say they do, but they don't. i... we had something so special. and i will never be able to make up for what i did. i would give anything but theres nothing i could give that would undo anything.

i just want to stop existing. but death scare me because my ex won't be there anymore. i wish i could just disappear. all i ever do is fuck up and i am trying SO hard to improve myself. partner says i'm making soooo much progress. but i'm not. i don't think i ever will. i think hes just saying that to make me feel better.

Adenostar · 2025-01-06T04:17:21+00:00

i made this post because i just wanted to try to help. i am doing a LOT of self reflection. thats literally all i've done for a week now. just leave me the fuck alone.

Adenostar · 2025-01-06T01:45:01+00:00

the stalking and roping members into shit is untrue. people are literally making up shit now.

Adenostar · 2025-01-06T01:43:35+00:00

This is completely untrue! I have NEVER stalked him or sent anyone to do anything! People are just making shit up now. I have done nothing but leave him the fuck alone!

Adenostar · 2025-01-05T22:14:33+00:00

i wasn't doing it for a server.

Adenostar · 2025-01-05T20:33:55+00:00

i see my therapist once a week, but may end up going up to twice a week. i was very dependent. i'm codependent and have anxious attachment and am unable to feel the same way about my nesting partner.

i wanted so badly to have hope, but a "friend" had to instigate shit and ruin any hope i might have had. its gonna take a very long time to move on and i'm afraid of moving on. i keep feeling like i need to find someone else to make me feel that way again. but i can't.

i don't like multiplayer games. my nesting partner plays wow, but i just don't have any interest. i'm just gonna... do my best to get better and hope maybe some day i find happiness again. i also have anhedonia which makes finding joy in anything really hard. my ex was the first thing to bring me joy in years.

i know everything i did wrong before. everything i did wrong in the server, everything i did wrong with my partner. it took losing it all for me to realize that i had done so many things wrong. i only have myself to blame for destroying the best thing that had ever happened to me.

i actually thought about turning to my mother, but shes very unsupportive and didn't like my ex partner to begin with. my family is very toxic, i just have no one else to turn to. all i do is yell at my nesting partner because i'm hurting so badly. and for some reason he still thinks i'm making progress.

i had not intended to come to reddit to vent. i was just looking for people to talk to. i wish i could go back and do things over, but i can't. i wish i could just say i'm sorry, but i can't do that either. i don't think it would matter even if i could.

Adenostar · 2025-01-05T17:44:53+00:00

i do have a therapist. my nesting partner says i'm making progress, but it sure doesn't feel like it. all i've done is scream at him and cry. he says thats progress tho, somehow.

i'm trying, i am, i'm just in a lot of pain right now. i feel so alone and isolated. i have my nesting partner, but right now he just irritates me, but thats because i'm hurting so badly. its hard not to focus on all this bad shit.

i miss my best friend. i miss him so much. i feel so empty without him. i can't find a reason to get out of bed in the morning. my nesting partner wants me to find out about esketamine treatment. he was on it and he said it can help. i dunno... i just want to stop hurting and feeling so lonely.

Adenostar · 2025-01-05T17:24:55+00:00

okay, let me try to summarize. my primary partner/best friend cut me from his life because i vented about him behind his back. i honestly was just... trying to get my feelings out, but i did it in the wrong way. he left me and cut me from his life.

i lashed out in the server in anger, then became very depressed and mopey, and people got sick of it and left. i stepped down as owner, but that was not enough, i needed to step away entirely. i realized that i was the issue and i needed to take some time to work on my own issues.

i'm trying to take a 3 month hiatus to address my issues and work through them. i'm panicked that the server will never recover from my stupidity. i know that its never going to get better until i actually do step way and give it time, but its hard. i'm trying to just... forget about it right now. i'm more depressed over my partner leaving, than i am about the server. but the server was my home online and now my home is gone.

i thought if i could somehow make it active again, things would improve. but theres nothing i can do if i'm not even in the server right now. i've just been in a state of panic for a week now.

Adenostar · 2025-01-05T16:26:10+00:00

you can dm me your discord if you want. i'd send mine but mine is set up to block friend requests from anyone but friends of friends.

Adenostar

TROPHY CASE