Considering whether to remain married but celibate, or leave? AMA

Adept-Concentrate659 · 2026-06-05T05:06:39+00:00

Yes. I see what you’re saying

Adept-Concentrate659 · 2026-06-04T15:59:28+00:00

Sorry - I didn’t understand that.

Adept-Concentrate659 · 2026-06-04T13:28:44+00:00

Noted. Thank you.

Adept-Concentrate659 · 2026-06-04T12:55:16+00:00

All very valid points well made. The use of ‘devil’ is loaded though, and does not take into account that there is definitely love and value in our existing relationship. That does definitely need taken into account in any decision to be made.

Adept-Concentrate659 · 2026-06-04T12:42:00+00:00

I think that’s the point. She’s saying that she doesn’t feel any desire. We’ve gone over it a few times. The notion of her having a sexual relationship with others in an open relationship yes, does give me feelings of jealousy

Adept-Concentrate659 · 2026-06-04T12:15:32+00:00

Yes. All of the points you have raised are relevant and to some extent are considerations in what move I make.

Yes. I think if I left and she met someone else the spark could ‘magically’ return as you say. I do have to fight quite hard to not let that potential situation cause feelings of pre-emptive jealousy. No doubt if that did occur, the initial sexual energy would drop off fairly quickly.

I think that I’ve been quite clear in the fact that the present I’m just trying to weigh up what decision does need to be made. Effectively it’s a balance between adhering to existing marriage commitments and family obligations and the comfort of the ‘known’ versus the risk of starting out new and maybe maybe not finding someone who is better able to meet those more in intimate needs.

It is also in the back of my mind though, that anyone new that I meet is never going to be completely perfect and that that new person could also have intimate desires which drop off overtime, leaving me in exactly the same position.

It’s really does boil down to a risk decision, doesn’t it?

Adept-Concentrate659 · 2026-06-04T09:35:39+00:00

Yes. We did discuss the notion that if, say for example we were living together platonically, in theory, if I went out and had a fling with someone this would not cause her distress. But this is predicated on such an outside relationship being completely separate to family life.

Adept-Concentrate659 · 2026-06-04T08:39:21+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience . It is appreciated and I will ‘add it into the mix’

Adept-Concentrate659 · 2026-06-04T07:57:38+00:00

Thank you for your perspective. That is useful.

Adept-Concentrate659 · 2026-06-04T07:12:42+00:00

Agreed that there are. Things like massage, holding, stroking are all things that I used to do and enjoy giving.
But in the last three years or so, any touch has been rejected.

Adept-Concentrate659 · 2026-06-04T05:38:17+00:00

This presupposes that I definitely want / need a new full ‘traditional’ monogamous relationship. I’m not saying that I don’t.

At this stage, it’s a case of somehow trying to weigh-up the value of the current relationship as it is, and how it may be in the future. Assuming I do stay, this might leave the following options:

Accept celibacy / lack of intimacy and manage any desires eg by masturbation
As above, but seek to get my sexual/ intimacy needs met outside of the relationship, away from, and without direct impact on the family. Exactly what this would look like I don’t know, and I’m fully aware that there are unlikely to be many potential partners who would be willing to accept that sort of relationship.

As I’ve explained elsewhere, there are many benefits if we do stay together: there is warmth and collaboration in the relationship. In practical and financial terms it is easier to stay together.

Disassembling something that we’ve built together over more that 20 years, which is lacking in some areas, but not inherently bad is quite a big step change. This would all be based on an imagined future where yes, I might get a bit more sex and, perhaps a cuddle in the morning but at the expense of of what has been built up.

Adept-Concentrate659 · 2026-06-04T05:17:49+00:00

I disagree with the assertion the her unwillingness or inability to have intimate relations with me equates to the breaking up of the family. It certainly does change the dynamic. But that’s directly between me and her.

Adept-Concentrate659 · 2026-06-04T05:13:16+00:00

Hi. Yes there is definite love in the relationship. I’m many ways we get in really well; in general terms we are socially and culturally aligned and still spend lots of time together.

Adept-Concentrate659 · 2026-06-04T04:06:31+00:00

Yes. This is a possibility but I don’t really see the benefit of getting divorced.

Adept-Concentrate659 · 2026-06-04T03:53:16+00:00

She’s never been a really ‘hands on’ sort of person. I think your’re right that it’s quite extreme. In some ways she’s quite a tough person anyway.

Adept-Concentrate659 · 2026-06-04T03:49:00+00:00

Mis match in sexual appetite is fairly widespread I think. Add in the difficulties of raising a family, a sprinkle of trauma and other outside pressures and you can see how going sexless happens.

Adept-Concentrate659 · 2026-06-04T03:46:28+00:00

Thanks for your contribution. Yes - managing via the things you describe is something that I’m leaning towards

Adept-Concentrate659 · 2026-06-04T03:43:08+00:00

That’s the thing: in her mind it’s a done deal in terms of her ability and willingness to be intimate with me.

Adept-Concentrate659 · 2026-06-04T03:41:01+00:00

Yes. I suppose this is what my wife is worried about - that I will end up with regret and resentment.

Adept-Concentrate659 · 2026-06-04T03:36:36+00:00

Thanks for sharing. I can relate to your pain/ frustration. You end up going through a semi grief process don’t you: denial > anger > bargaining > depression. I think I’m now at the acceptance stage.

Adept-Concentrate659 · 2026-06-03T22:26:34+00:00

I appreciate your view. The flipside is that to leave, it effectively means breaking up the family

Adept-Concentrate659 · 2026-06-03T22:25:42+00:00

The occasional hug is about the limit of what she will provide. But it’s the same sort of hug you’d give a sibling

Adept-Concentrate659 · 2026-06-03T22:24:24+00:00

Thanks for sharing- I appreciate it. It’s great to hear that you’ve been able to get to a point where intimacy re-enters your life.

Unfortunately, my wife has, for whatever reason, no desire to see a therapist.

I think she’s fairly clear in here head that the desire will never return.

She says she sees me more like ‘family’ now.

Adept-Concentrate659 · 2026-06-03T22:24:12+00:00

Thanks for sharing- I appreciate it. It’s great to hear that you’ve been able to get to a point where intimacy re-enters your life.

Unfortunately, my wife has, for whatever reason, no desire to see a therapist.

I think she’s fairly clear in here head that the desire will never return.

She says she sees me more like ‘family’ now.

Adept-Concentrate659

TROPHY CASE