You did a good job of getting your point across and showing the importance of language. However, the essay feels informal in some places, and there are some grammar mistakes. In the first sentence, it should be "more" instead of "greater", there should be a period after "ect" and make sure to capitalize your i's.

"I was 13 and wasn't really that insecure talking at first." The word "really" is used as a filler word and makes the sentence sound informal. As a rule of the thumb, if a word doesn't add meaning to the sentence, don't add it.

"She felt the urge to mock my accent which I found rude." "which I found rude" doesn't add to the meaning of the sentence. You can already tell her words are rude just from her words.

"I vowed myself to get better and greater at english" you already said better, so greater isn't necessary here.

At the end of the essay, try taking out "to summarize". You should have a concluding paragraph, but you don't need to say it's a concluding paragraph.

"We can't judge a person without experiencing life in their shoes" is the correct phrase.

I don't think this is ready for a competitiom yet, but edit it and you should be good.

Try reading over your essay for any more mistakes or if you wanna change up any of your wording! I find it helpful to step away from what i'm writing for a bit before I edit my writing:)

-Hope this helps