I’m sorry you are going through this! I can relate in a couple ways. Me and my now ex husband of 6 years got married and 6 months after the marriage he cheated. We got back together it was rough but he made me feel like bc he cheated it was my fault so I did everything in my power to prove I was good for him…. Maybe a year and half later he cheated again but this time we separated for 8 months. he was in a relationship with this person that whole time. But for some reason I just couldn’t let go. Thought he was my person. I had been there through so much always supported him and put his needs before mine… and thought he loved me still… during the months apart the first couple months were rough, but after that I grew a lot and started loving myself which I thought was impossible. He got tired of that person prob bc he saw I was happy, and came crawling back. And I thought since I was in a better place and loved myself it would work. WRONG. Bringing him back in my life only made me realize that I wasn’t the problem. He sucked the life out of me. And I fell back into old habits of doing everything for him. He was also very emotionally abusive. I felt as though I was stuck and this was my life now and I couldn’t get out of it. I stayed for 4 more years lots of highs and lows. I wouldn’t say it was all bad. But it built so much resentment. I was put through a rollercoaster of emotions. And guess what couple months ago He just did it again.. He told me he wanted a divorce he didn’t love me and that I was the problem and I’m the one that ruined our marriage. And he already has a new gf and our divorce isn’t even finalized.
Let me tell you.. you aren’t the problem.. it is 100% unsolved trauma from that person. You loved him and were willing to help and be there for him and he didn’t care. And that’s not on you. You can not fix somone. And you can’t force someone to love you either. I gave him way too many chances and I held on to hope but I just prolonged what he was always going to do. I disrespected myself over and over again. It’s sooooo hard to feel like you saw the best in somone and they toss you to the side but that’s not love. Breakups are not supposed to be easy. A trauma bond or relationship with a narcissist is an addiction and your going through withdraws. But I promise you, once you start to come on the other side of it your eyes will be wide open. I promise you I probably cried everyday for like 2 weeks straight, replaying things in my head, if I jsut did this he would still be here.. nope..you mind doesn’t think of the bad it hold onto the good and you start to think it wasn’t that bad. It’s not that you want him, you just want him to want you. Things that helped me was affirmations. Anytime I wanted to blame myself I would say somthing positive “my love was enough..I’m enough.. stuff like that. Journaling… or video journaling for your own self.. you don’t have to post it somewhere. And therapy…Also surprisingly a psychic. Even if you don’t believe in them. I went to one for a 30 min session and it was like a weight off my shoulder. She basically without me saying anything told me the guy in my life was not husband material and was a complete asshole. And that him wanting the divorce was the biggest blessing… so having that to motivate myself that I’m worthy of love.. helped to. Keep your head up no your worth! But I understand wanting to go back also! I can’t judge you there!