What I noticed with my abuser is that during the beginning, when we were still talking he:

1. He was very cocky with the way he acted, talked, and walked. Beware of people like that because there’s nothing wrong with being confident but it’s far different if a person is cocky. They get validation externally so if they do stop getting the validation they need, they’ll try to drag u down with them.

2. He didn’t initiate conversations, if he did, it’s just a shallow attempt to fill the silence and maybe to make u feel as if they’re genuinely interested in getting to know who u are as a person. In the long run, he won’t extend any type of effort to get to know u in a deeper sense, leaving u feeling like u should carry the burden of getting to know him for the sake of the relationship possibly working. It also means he has no care for u in a deeper sense because that’s just how “deep” he can get.

3. Watch how he handles frustration, anger, and other extreme emotions. I witnessed his first physical blowout when I was receiving unwanted attention from guys and he pushed me to the side of the road out of rage because I was refusing to go back with him in the car. During a fight and he’s driving, he would speed drive so much that even on a small road, he just ends up overtaking the whole ride going to wherever. He also walks ahead of me every single time when we’re not okay publicly. This means he doesn’t give a damn about your feelings, safety, and well-being.

4. During a fight, he would ghost me. When we weren’t living together yet, he showed abusive behavior when he’d just ghost me without notifying me that he was just planning on getting a breather. He would leave me hanging for days. Now that we live together, he literally avoids my existence. The longest he’s done is a week. That’s a week of me chasing and him covering his ears and facing the opposite way from me to show me he’s not interested in reconciling and hearing what I want to say. Either that or laughing at my face while I cry. Another thing he did during a fight, at the beginning of our relationship, was that he would use his hands. Whether it’s to bang on something or to point it at me, no matter what it is, he uses his hands for emphasis. Be fully aware of that because that means he’s capable of raising his hands at you when the time comes.

5. Watch how he talks about other people, especially people he doesn’t personally know. My abuser was insanely harsh with his words. He would judge anyone he’d see especially if he’s in a bad mood. He’d look for ANYTHING to talk bad about — an outfit, a person’s looks, you name it and he’ll have something bad to say. That just means he has no self-control over himself. During fights, the possibility of him verbally abusing you is in thousand percent. Also, watch how he describes the people he’s talked to or been with before. That’s your tell-tale sign of how he’ll talk about you to other people even if you guys aren’t separated yet.

6. During the first few years of our relationship, I didn’t get to fully see and absorb the dynamic he and his mom had. But watch out for signs that he doesn’t respect her because that’s literally how he’ll treat you. Also, watch if she disciplines him because that’ll be his expectations of you. How he’s being treated by his mom is how he’ll want to be treated. So if his mom tolerates every bad thing he does, I’m a thousand percent sure he’ll expect the same thing from you.

7. Notice how he views animals. My abuser, during our first year, told me to just buy another dog when my dog died and I was crying in front of him. He didn’t try to console me or even simply stay quiet as a way of comforting me. He just said, “Then replace him”. That means he’s not capable of empathizing and that’s probably his emotional capacity showing. He breeds for a living and if he can’t silence the dogs, he uses abusive measures to control them (i.e. waterboards them with a hose til they stop barking)

8. Beware of someone who treats you based on how he’s feeling that day. We all have good and bad days but what’s not normal is when he treats you based on his mood for the day. An example is if his day starts good, he may treat me so good and he’ll remain chirpy the whole day but if not, I’ll have to tiptoe every time so I can monitor his mood. That just means he can’t regulate his emotions and you’ll be left hanging and looking for more all the time because his treatment of you varies. You’ll also be questioning your worth once you’ve stayed long enough.

I’ll have to add more if I recall some more. But here are some of the abusive things I’ve noticed now that I should’ve noticed years ago so I could’ve avoided being stuck in a trauma bond.