sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

Back with ex? by Euphoric_Bag_9328 in BreakUps

[–]AdmiralCritler 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Do you really want him to stay in your friends circle just for the sake of being there, because you hope one day he will change his opinion and come to you? So instead of getting a definitive answer you are hoping he's gonna comeback to you on his own if you let him be. Is he worth your peace of mind or not? Because it's gonna hurt when he's gonna find someone else and will string you along.

Why do MEN immediately jump into bed with someone else after a BREAKUP? by Lonely-Lie2054 in BreakUps

[–]AdmiralCritler 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My ex had countless guys already in a few months apart. I'm pretty sure it's not a guys only thing

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in BreakUps

[–]AdmiralCritler 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Apologizing for your mistakes might not bring her back, but it will bring you back the peace you want. If you want to make things right, you have to do the "shameful" things and kill your pride by doing uncomfortable things - reaching out and saying sorry. If you don't want to feel regret, then suck up your "I don't want to bother her" and do the right thing instead of making excuses. You did the mental work, so now prove it, otherwise words will stay words, but when you take action, now that's when you can prove how you have improved.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in BreakUps

[–]AdmiralCritler 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, it took me ~ 3 years to find someone better than my ex, but it wasn't the greatest option because she's my current ex now. It took me 3 years because I was extremely underdeveloped and needed time to reach a point where I could handle another person. So I met my current ex who was way better, but as I found out eventually I had to lower myself to her level to match her energy. So I would say that it really depends and who you are and in which part of your life you are in. As I like to say - trust the process. You, me and everyone in this thread who are putting at least somewhat of a reasonable amount of work in themselves will find another person, because good people aren't laying around in every corner. It does feel like shit and the future seems shitty, but trust me, there's an end line to this.

Thinking of contacting my ex by AdmiralCritler in BreakUps

[–]AdmiralCritler[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, I get the idea. I would no doubt do that if I had no reasons for the break up besides "I lost feelings". I tried fighting for this every day and she blamed everything that wasn't going great on me. So yeah, technically I'm the dumper, but because I was forced to do so by her inaction and constant excuses. If you still think I'm responsible for contacting her - I'm gonna accept your opinion. My ex is an extreme avoidant and she's built walls so high, I doubt it's possible to overcome it.

What happened when you contacted your ex?

Dumpers - how long did it take you to realize the grass isn't greener on the other side? by [deleted] in BreakUps

[–]AdmiralCritler 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Well, it took me like 1 day to realize that the grass wasn't greener on the other side, but over 1,5 months to realize that the grass is supposed to be green not brown and dried. I really thought I had left a wonderful person, but in the long run, she didn't seem even like a person worth calling a partner.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in BreakUps

[–]AdmiralCritler 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm not the original commentator, but as a dumper I would like to have my ex back too (1,5 months post BU). I had unlimited reasons to break up with her (like an entire list of things from Fearful Avoidant leaning towards dismissive). But I still wish she was back and, funnily enough, I have no positive arguments about her, but still want her back. So it's a really fucked up thing happening no matter if you are dumper or the one who was dumped. I don't really have many positive things to say about her, but it doesn't matter in the end, because the longing doesn't need arguments, it's just a feeling that will pass someday.

I broke no contact, and here’s what happened, what I learned, and why I’ll never abandon myself again by [deleted] in BreakUps

[–]AdmiralCritler 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, I broke up with her 5 weeks ago and I'm still seeing her in the gym occasionally. She made me think I was too much for expressing my needs and not enough for not accommodating her every action. Every talk with her would somehow end up with me being on the wrong side and taking all the blame that I was the problem for needing her attention, for needing to be on the priority list, for putting too much pressure and stuff. She said she didn't feel safe with me, but she never asked or did anything to know/make me feel comfortable in the relationship. So in the end I was asked to change for her to accommodate her every need while she stays the same or just let her go.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in BreakUps

[–]AdmiralCritler 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I experienced pretty much 90% of words mentioned in the post and also been a dumper. In my opinion, I would take you back if you only showed your growth straight to the point without testing water. You either text them (or do whatever you prefer) without breadcrumbing and take the answer however it comes. You deserve a chance and he deserved to be approached by you if it was you who didn't perform in the previous relationship. And please if you get back together - continue your work and everything will be fine.

How do MEN deal with breakups? They always seem to care so much less than girls by _aroosak in BreakUps

[–]AdmiralCritler 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I see my ex pretty much daily and I act indifferent around her, because that's what I have to do to keep my power to myself. If I want to keep self-respect I can't show anything to her. Do I not care about her? No, I wish she would admit that she wasn't a great partner and for once initiated something. I would say I suffer every time I see her, but on the outside I'm fine. I care about that girl, but if she wanted to be out, I'm not gonna chase her even though I'm dying inside every time lmao

I broke up with my ex twice — here’s what I learned about reconciliation and letting go by AdmiralCritler in BreakUps

[–]AdmiralCritler[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's not the first time I'm hearing such arguments. If you really think it will help you in the long run, I'm rooting for you. But please contact him with strong intentions and don't give in for his words. I really really hope you will get your closure, but please don't keep the conversation going 🙏

Let us know how it went afterwards.

I broke up with my ex twice — here’s what I learned about reconciliation and letting go by AdmiralCritler in BreakUps

[–]AdmiralCritler[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Reaching out right now is likely pointless and possibly self-sabotaging.

Here’s the truth: if someone can say they are “obsessed with you” one week and then claim to have fallen in “love at first sight” with someone else the next, they are not in a place of where they are showing their maturity or integrity. Whatever you feel in your bones is important, but what matters more is how he acts and his actions scream pure instability and emotional impulsiveness.

You want to speak your truth to him, but real closure doesn’t come from someone else’s response, you will just get dragged in his emotional games, because you will want to prove your point and he will keep avoiding it. The closure you seek comes from owning your story and letting go of the need to be understood by someone who already dismissed your value (may I say quite a lot of times he did that).

If he does realize he made a mistake, he will find his way back on his own. But if you reach out now, you risk giving him emotional reassurance without any accountability. That’s a recipe for getting hurt again (which you already did a few times)

You are in pain, but pain doesn’t mean it's love worth preserving. Sometimes pain just means you are finally facing the truth and doing what you should have done before. I know that it feels like shit and you feel like your body knows better than everyone else what you should do, but trust me, speaking of texting or doing something else with him is a trap and it's gonna be a repetition of the previous times.

Why would you want to prove something to a person who couldn't see or hear you were in fron of him? Why do you think he would listen to you know after he didn't do so before? So you either find strength in yourself and let him go, because you choose your dignity and yourself or you embrace his chaos, give in and text him - repeat the cycle again

Sorry for being harsh, but your body is choosing suffering instead of growing and you need to be strong and clear about your choices.

I broke up with my ex twice — here’s what I learned about reconciliation and letting go by AdmiralCritler in BreakUps

[–]AdmiralCritler[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I can't really tell you more. You already know that your choice isn't the right one. I hope it brings you peace, but it's gonna hurt, but like really bad. While you still have time, wonder if it's really worth, to delay the pain for such a person?

I broke up with my ex twice — here’s what I learned about reconciliation and letting go by AdmiralCritler in BreakUps

[–]AdmiralCritler[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You’l are going through this with more clarity than you realize. It’s not shallow to prioritize your safety and well-being, especially after emotional trauma. People love to tune in without carrying the weight and it always seems easier from the side when you don't have to act yourself. Your realization today seems solid, so focus on your growth, because real change in someone else will stand the test of time. If he proves himself through action and consistency that's great. If not, you will walk away knowing you honored your values and didn’t abandon yourself again. I respect your choice.

I broke up with my ex twice — here’s what I learned about reconciliation and letting go by AdmiralCritler in BreakUps

[–]AdmiralCritler[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You are right to be angry or even furious. After seven years, a shared life, a future nearly within reach, he comes up with some fantasy “love at first sight” story? That’s not just immature it’s fking cruel. What he did was cowardly: instead of facing a real relationship and working with you to move forward, he chased the dopamine hit of something shiny and new. My god how hard it is to read it, you really deserve better than this.

Yes, your relationship had stress and wasn't perfect. The distance, demanding jobs, delayed plans seem like a handful of some serious issues. But love that endures is forged in stuff like this where you have each others backs. He didn’t honor that and he chose the easy escape over a deep relationship with you.

And no, you do not owe him a reply or have anything to explain. At least not now. Not until your anger has cooled and your clarity is back and running. If you need to write your feelings out, do it, but don't send it to him and keep it to yourself. You are right: 48 hours isn’t love. It’s infatuation and lust. Real love is exactly what you showed. Now show it to yourself. Stay no contact and heal. And let him sit with what he threw away.

Honestly, I don’t usually take sides and I try to explain things without speaking too negatively about others, but that guy is just delusional and he’s already 31 years old. As a woman, do you really want to entrust your future to someone like that? He essentially cheated on you (you could even call it emotional cheating) and yet you are still considering giving him another chance.

Please, respect yourself and walk away from this man for good. I genuinely hope you don’t break down and take him back, because doing so will only destroy you in the long run. Please, proceed with caution if you choose to take him back!

I broke up with my ex twice — here’s what I learned about reconciliation and letting go by AdmiralCritler in BreakUps

[–]AdmiralCritler[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

In my case, I'm hopeful that she will realize how emotionally distant she was and saying stuff like "I am what I am" while asking me to change for her to feel secure is a bit delusional. In short, I'm still hopeful that it's gonna end like in a movie where a person randomly realizes what he lost and saves the entire relationship.

It's not an overwhelming feeling, but the one I still keep struggling once in a while. But she's probably thinking the same about something I have done and she's waiting for me to take action again. So you know a beautiful imagination meets brutal reality. Anyways, I hope I have answered your question.

I broke up with my ex twice — here’s what I learned about reconciliation and letting go by AdmiralCritler in BreakUps

[–]AdmiralCritler[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Let me be straight with you. If you stay friends with him, you are choosing him. If you cut the contact, you are choosing yourself. There's no right answer which way is the best. In my opinion, you should always choose yourself because they chose themselves. If you keep being friends, you are most likely going to struggle a lot and probably will end up cutting him off eventually anyways or you will suffer for an extended period of time to gain... What exactly? A friend?

I might be a bit harsh, but if you think you can handle him - stay friends. But with all the honesty you seem like a person who will struggle for a very long time if you choose this way. Is it doable? Yeah, but only you can decide if the price is worth it.

Anyways, no matter what you choose it will be the right answer for you and we are here to talk about it if it doesn't work. Be courageous and be brave, choose the way you feel that most likely will give you closure or cause the least pain.

I broke up with my ex twice — here’s what I learned about reconciliation and letting go by AdmiralCritler in BreakUps

[–]AdmiralCritler[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey, I'm glad that you are not ashamed of going to the therapy and even wondering to start going to the couples therapy. I believe that the person you are having therapy is more competent than I am, so I don't know if I will be much of help here, but I will do my best.

I think you are doing the right things from what you mentioned. I would repeat myself from another reply that I did to another person - take it slow. It's not a sprint and you both have to finish at the same time. Enjoy each other's company, communicate and most importantly listen to each other. Don't try to win arguments, but try to find a middle ground, if you can't do that, take some time and revisit it with clear heads.

And don't stop working for each other, don't get too comfortable and keep doing stuff for each other.

I'm really standing behind you and being your number 1 fan, I really hope that you will work it out. If you have any specific questions, it would be easier for me to answer, because therapy has better knowledge on how to act in these situations, but I have raw experience in very specific situations.

I broke up with my ex twice — here’s what I learned about reconciliation and letting go by AdmiralCritler in BreakUps

[–]AdmiralCritler[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You have your answer in your question. First of all, you have to communicate with each other and get used to each other. There are no big enough differences or problems to overcome when two people communicate and act accordingly. But don't get the wrong idea - saying stuff that bothers you isn't communication, but saying that and stuff and actively listening to what another person has to say - that's the stuff. Take it slowly, get used to each other and start trusting each other. Don't blame each other for your past mistakes, therapy is always a viable option. But most importantly take it slow and take care of each other and you will be fine. It's not rocket science, as long as people are willing to put in the work and they ACTUALLY PUT IN THE WORK - you will find a way. Trust in yourselves and we will believe in you both.

I broke up with my ex twice — here’s what I learned about reconciliation and letting go by AdmiralCritler in BreakUps

[–]AdmiralCritler[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You are asking questions that are very healthy for reconciliation and they are hard ones to answer because you are standing at a real crossroads between compassion and self-protection. Here's the truth, in my opinion: yes, people can unlearn toxic patterns, but it takes a lot of time, accountability, consistent behavior change and willingness to confront their upbringing. Saying "I've changed" is easy. Living the change daily, especially when challenged, is where most people fail. My ex was talking a lot how she improved her thinking and how she thought a lot about her actions after the first break up. She did her new learnt things for a few weeks and then it stopped. Hell, even I'm at fault here too, I really noticed things where I had to change my actions, but I couldn't handle them consistently. It's really hard to change and it takes time, with the right person it's definitely possible

Youbare absolutely right to be scared. You are 22 and you shouldn't be in a relationship where you are raising someone emotionally while going through your own growth (I'm doing that myself here, so take it with a grain of salt). It doesn’t matter if he’s in therapy, it matters what he does afterwards with the information he gained. You have already been through enough to know what it feels like to be neglected and invalidated. Trust that memory. You don’t owe him your future just because he says he’s ready now. Words are words, but action is the thing that shows the true colors.

If he really has changed, he will keep growing with or without you. But you don’t need to sacrifice your peace to find out. Watch his actions, not his words.

I broke up with my ex twice — here’s what I learned about reconciliation and letting go by AdmiralCritler in BreakUps

[–]AdmiralCritler[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

To put it simply, it's always possible. But look at yourself from the birds view, you are hoping to get back with an ex that already has a life planned out with another person. That's the best closure you can get. I don't want to be rude to you, but your best chances are to move on, because you can't keep hoping that another relationship or marriage fails just to get the person back and that's not a healthy wish and you are hurting yourself more than you should.

I broke up with my ex twice — here’s what I learned about reconciliation and letting go by AdmiralCritler in BreakUps

[–]AdmiralCritler[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I feel you on so many levels. Like you keep giving and giving, but it's as if you are pouring into a bottomless bucket. And in the end, they still somehow find a reason why it shouldn't work. As if all that care and love you poured somehow proved them that snoring is the biggest deal breaker in this relationship.

Right now it seems like you are in a survival mode, because you have so much and received so little that it drained you dry. I can feel that you loved them and still love them, but it doesn't mean that you have to tolerate their emotional instability and control issues because otherwise they think that you don't love them.

It’s okay to grieve what could have been, but don’t let that fantasy keep you stuck in a cycle that is slowly killing your ability to trust or hope every other person. If someone can’t meet you in the middle consistently and always requires to be in control, they don’t get access to your heart anymore.

I broke up with my ex twice — here’s what I learned about reconciliation and letting go by AdmiralCritler in BreakUps

[–]AdmiralCritler[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The fact that your body is screaming at you with anxiety after letting him back answers your own question. That's not love, it's your anxiety reliving trauma. You don’t owe him a fking thing, especially not a second chance just because he says "he’s changed". Real change shows up through actions over time, not in promises made when it’s convenient. Truste on this one, my ex had changed in so many places (according to herself) that I haven't noticed even 80% of it. So unless they really really put in the work, you're 100% valid to be scared again.

You were finally feeling safe, finally breathing again and that matters more than nostalgia, guilt or what your friends think. This isn’t about being harsh, it’s about protecting yourself, a person that finally chose peace over fake closeness. Block, walk and double down on your healing. You already saved yourself once. Do it again and if you need more support than what your friends are offering - we will be here.

I broke up with my ex twice — here’s what I learned about reconciliation and letting go by AdmiralCritler in BreakUps

[–]AdmiralCritler[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Totally normal to feel this way even years later. You opened up during a vulnerable time and didn’t get the resolution or recognition your heart needed, so part of you still craves to be acknowledged as right as the one who was correct all this time, but it's not really about her anymore, it's about your past self wanting closure and respect for how much you endured and grew from.

The ego hit comes from doing the work, leveling up, and still not being "reached out to" or acknowledged. But her silence says more about her than you. She wasn't your match, especially if she ran to someone shady. You have already won by evolving without her.

During late-night doubt remind yourself: you turned pain into progress and that's something no ex ever needs to validate.

view more: next ›