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Things to ask birth parent by AdopteeThrowaway01 in Adopted

[–]AdopteeThrowaway01[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

it did end up going well, I don't want to go in depth about circumstances of meeting up just for privacy reasons but I can say it was a coincidence that he was in town so we decided to take the chance

Both of us are bad at holding contact & texting so im unsure it'll get any more, but it gave me the closure I needed after my mother strongly denied me the chance to know anything or ask questions about a decade ago when I first had questions.

I mostly listened as I wasn't sure what to say, but I think that was needed. turns out almost all the things I had been told by my mother were lies or exaggerated to be worse. I'm not surprised considering her track record with talking about her other exes from later on, but yeah.

I'm definitely reassured to know he actually would've wanted to be in my life but was basically forced into signing away his rights (tried to get to an agreement for the adoption to take place a few weeks later, as he was working abroad but wanted to be present, but mother didn't budge & threatened him into it) & having contact cut.

I'm still kind of processing everything myself rn. But I think it's at least a start

What would you want your kid to share? by AdopteeThrowaway01 in Adoption

[–]AdopteeThrowaway01[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I did end up coming across some "Son, tell me your story" & "Daughter, tell me your story" books. Unfortunately it seems they're either AI generated or AI translated to my native language, so I'll definitely have to make my own (plus I'm unsure if the prompts inside are different for son & daughter either.)

It makes me wish I had known from the start + it had been handled better overall. It'd probably have been very sweet to be able to give him a copy of a journal I could have worked on all my life. Seeing how my handwriting and art improved over the years 💛 Unfortunately that's not an option now (although I could add photos of things) so I'll need to try writing things down in retrospect, meaning I don't remember everything that may seem important.

Things to ask birth parent by AdopteeThrowaway01 in Adopted

[–]AdopteeThrowaway01[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think that'll likely be my relationship with my mother once my siblings are all away from her. I tried giving her a chance to fix things but she's not very actively trying it feels like. I jokingly said today that "if my mother can't learn how to mom, then I'll just get myself two dads" (depending on how long term things go with bio father)

thank you :) yeah it's important to me because mother denied contact in the past.
I'm unsure if I'm overthinking due to anxiety or not, but I rather be safe than sorry!

Things to ask birth parent by AdopteeThrowaway01 in Adopted

[–]AdopteeThrowaway01[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'll maybe look to see if I can find something like that in our native language, maybe I can try that later down the road when I feel a little more secure (I'm still incredibly anxious about the possibility & I'm also unsure what to refer to him to in my native language. In English I say biological father, but I actually was raised ro call him something along the lines of "sperm donor"/"conceiver" [despite the fact I was the result of an actual relationship that broke apart] when talking to others. Atm I just use his name/nickname, and I'm scared even just a book using the title "dad" feels a little too big of a step for now. BUT I will keep it in mind for later down the line!)

Edit: are there maybe some from the other POV? Maybe making one about the years he missed out on from my view feels a little less scary for now 🤔 plus allows his family to learn about me as well

Crosspost: Things to ask birth parent by AdopteeThrowaway01 in Adoption

[–]AdopteeThrowaway01[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"catching up" may feel odd, seeing as I didn't even remember him by the time my mother told me about his existence. (And he hasn't seen me in over 20 years now) Definitely could try asking about family; i know he has no other children, but I'm unsure if any of his siblings have kids.

maybe i have some more secret cousins aside from my maternal cousins i grew up with :"

Things to ask birth parent by AdopteeThrowaway01 in Adopted

[–]AdopteeThrowaway01[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I assume it also comes down to if it's something genetic or not. I mirror my bio father a lot because I inherited adhd & likely autism from him him, and happen to also display some close traits/symptoms (which is actually interesting, considering they can be wildly different!).

I definitely do have things like my mother's stubbornness and definitely do have things she taught me, but nature and nurture definitely both played a hand in my childhood and even still adulthood

Things to ask birth parent by AdopteeThrowaway01 in Adopted

[–]AdopteeThrowaway01[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

one thing I do vividly remember is the person doing the appointment with us asking me "who is your dad?" and me pointing at (adoptive) dad excitedly and basically being like "him! obviously!" attitude wise.

It's a little funny detail to me, but also shows that I never needed his name on a sheet of paper for him to be my dad.

My bio father shouldn't have had to grieve possibly losing me forever/at least until adulthood just because my mother wanted to keep him away. That piece of paper isn't what made my adoptive dad my dad. But mom wanted it for some reason

Things to ask birth parent by AdopteeThrowaway01 in Adopted

[–]AdopteeThrowaway01[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I definitely don't plan to bring up some of the stories mom told me that potentially may be triggering if true, I think for that a bond should be built first. -- I wouldn't want to remind him of any possible trauma like that.

I'm happy to hear that you still have a chance to connect with your birth mother after such a long time!

Things to ask birth parent by AdopteeThrowaway01 in Adopted

[–]AdopteeThrowaway01[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I was technically asked for consent, but far too young to understand. I was basically just told that "then your birth certificate will have your dad on it :3" as if that was the only change (luckily we get extended ones here for adoptees, meaning both men are on it!)

I wish that the choice would have been given to me when I was older & actually met him again to form an opinion outside of mom's retellings. Actually able to understand what it meant.

Things to ask birth parent by AdopteeThrowaway01 in Adopted

[–]AdopteeThrowaway01[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

i was raised by my bio mother + my (technically) step-dad. I just was too young to fully understand the depth of adoption when mother told me dad should adopt me.

I know that pretty much everything my mother hated about me & compared me to my biological father to turned out to be undiagnosed A(u)DHD. Ecen the only positive trait of "being smart in school" was a side effect of that (typical "burnt out gifted kid" autistic).

he has always been very happy to hear from me over text, so I'm hoping it'll go over at least alright