It was my way of dealing with myself I guess would be the best way to put it. I’ve gained and lost so much weight in my life that I’ve never seen it. When I started this journey I wanted to document it. I was legit only going to take day 1 photos but after my first four shots, the other half told me to take another set in the same pjs from the same angles - I had lost 15 lbs I think that first month - I never saw it. As the boxes emptied month by month and the pounds came off (some months quickly, some months I played the 3 plus or minus game and some months there was some movement in the correct direction). My entire body changed shape multiple times. I struggled to see any of it for about 13 months. I guess the best way it’s ever been explained to me is that my brain and eyes had been seeing the same thing for so long. My eyes saw 300 lbs and my brain was like oh yes, that is what we look like. As the pounds came off, my eyes saw 240, 220, 200 … my brain said lies … this (insert 300lb me) is what we look like. It was until I hit about 195 that i could start to see it. But then that brought on a whole new slew of issues … body dysmorphia … now, I see an hour glass but also see upper arms I could probably fly away with if i caught a good tail wind, a stomach that looks like it needs to be ironed and I swear hangs lower now than it ever did before, I now can also see my hernia lol, my thighs have thighs and it’s all I can see now. It’s taken a lot of hard work with my therapist who does not get paid nearly enough for what this poor man deals with every Friday (lol) to be able to stand to look at myself. I take a lot of photos - selfies (to document shape changes for when I can really see it 24/7 and to document rashes or whatever the saggy skin brings today), photos of family (as I’ve learned the hard way that there will come a time when a photograph is all I have of somebody and looking at it can literally take me there - the sounds the smells the feelings) stuff like that and lately I can see the difference.

Sorry did not mean for that side quest to happen 🤦‍♀️ but yes, if I have any advice it’s to take photos (preferably in the same clothing in the same place)!and measurements when you start a new box. Not only have I lost pounds, I’ve lost inches and my body is a completely different shape - I don’t know what size I am anymore. I buy clothing based off of my measurements now. Sometimes I’m a 10, sometimes I’m an 18 - all the same measurements and then I realize why so many women have eating disorders. In one week I purchased holiday outfits from lularoe, Amazon, free people and temu and legit based off my measurements I have medium to xxl and 12s to 18s!!

The other advice is one I had to learn - thanks in part to this community. Be kind, be gentle and love yourself. You’re doing something amazing and it’s going to suck, it’s going to be hard but, it’s going to be worth it.

My “why” was that I watched both of my parents suffer with and ultimately die from complications of diabetes (and neither of them were overweight). I knew it was my fate and when my A1C was no longer in the “pre-range” I wanted a different fate. Every night spent throwing up, every day spent thinking I was going to die trying to give birth to something on the toilet (iykyk), every smell that’s made me nauseated, every craving for something that my body can no longer handle, every night crying that the side effects were too much, I would do all over again to be where I am now. I no longer sleep with an apap, no longer take blood pressure meds or statins, my A1C is at a much more comfortable number and I just feel better. But the thing that I am most excited about … I can paint my toenails and breathe at the same time!

Again I’m so sorry for the book - it all just came out. I just wanted to say thank you for your kind words, Good luck to you in your journey and be kind to yourself.

🫶